sorry but it had to be said
Experiences With The Minions From the phone company!
1 Month before Moving Apartments:
Me: Hi, I would like to notify you that I am moving to this address, and that my internet must be disconnected on this day, and reconnected to the new address on that day.
Bell Minion #1: Ok, that’s no problem at all. Everything will be all set up for you on this day, all you will have to do is plug in your dsl unit and your up and running.
Me: Great, thank you so much.
2 Days after the internet was supposed to be up and running at new address:
Me: My internet isn’t working, I had asked you a month ago to make sure it was up and running two days ago. What is going on??
Bell Minion #1: Are you sure it doesn’t work?
Me: Yes. I am VERY sure it doesn’t work.
Bell Minion #1: What lights go on when you plug your dsl unit in?
Me: All the red ones. Indicating there is no internet.
Bell Minion #1: Well that’s odd.
Me: No kidding.
Bell Minion #1: It is plugged into the phone line right?
Me: Of course it is, where else would it be?
Bell Minion #1: How long is the cable?
Me: I don’t know, maybe 6 feet.
Bell Minion #1: Oh see that’s your problem, the cable is to long.
Me: Oh really? Because at my last apartment, it was on a 10 foot cable and worked perfectly fine.
Bell Minion #1: Well it shouldn’t have.
Me: Well it did, but just to humor you, I will plug it into a short cable. (me hovering by wall holding dsl unit on tiny little cable).
Bell Minion #1: Is it working now?
Me: Of course not.
Bell Minion #1: That’s strange. Let me transfer you to someone else.
Me on hold for 20 minutes.
Bell Minion #2: Hi, I heard you were having internet trouble. What exactly is the problem.
Me: My internet isn’t connected to my new apartment, like I had asked.
Bell Minion #2: Oh, your new address, is it this. (says my OLD address)
Me: NO that’s my old address, the one it’s disconnected at, because I MOVED.
Bell Minion #2: It says here it is still currently connected to your old address.
Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S STILL CONNECTED? WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED OVER A MONTH AGO FOR IT TO BE DISCONNECTED, YOU MEAN I HAVE BEEN PAYING FOR SOMEONE ELSES INTERNET?????
Bell Minion #2: I hope not, wow this is really bad. Let me connect you to someone else.
Me on hold for another 20 minutes.
Bell Minion #3: Hi, I just heard about the situation. I would like to inform you that the last person you talked to had no idea what they were talking about, and your internet WAS disconnected from the last address.
Me: Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I just want to know why my internet isn’t working. Why can’t anyone tell me anything right?
Bell Minion #3: We are trying to work on the problem. What lights go on when you plug in your unit?
Me: I already went through this with the first guy. ALL THE RED ONES.
Bell Minion #3: Yeah it seems like its defiantly not connected. Let me check this out. Ah just as I suspected, no one authorized the new address yet.
Me: But I called over a month ago….
Bell Minion #3: I just authorized it; your internet should be working by tomorrow. If not call me back, at this extension.
Next day:
Me: My internet is still not working.
Bell Minion #3: Your unit is plugged in right.
Me: Yes.
Bell Minion #3: Im not sure why its not working still, let me transfer you.
Me on hold for 20 minutes again.
Bell Minion #4: Hi, I’m looking at the order form for your internet. I don’t know why the others kept telling you to plug in your dsl unit. Because we authorized you with a NEW unit that will arrive in the mail. Your old unit is obsolete. It will be a few days until you get a new one.
Me: Why wasn’t this done in the first place?
Bell Minion #4: For some reason the order wasn’t placed. Someone entered the wrong code.
In the end, after a week, I got the internet to work. I thought this was the last of the nightmare. Apparently not. Apparently monkeys still work there.
At my business, I had asked Bell to merge two accounts (internet and phone) onto one bill. I still receive two bills. So I called them, to straighten things out.
Me: I had asked for my bills to be merged on one account, but I am still receiving to separate bills.
Bell Minion #1: Oh it seems no one had entered that onto your account. I will fix that right away.
Me: Thank you.
Next day I arrive to work, to find that the phone no longer is connected. I start to briefly panic, as the phone is a huge key in business. I try ALL the phones. To my dismay, they are ALL disconnected. I break the news to the boss, she almost dies. Bell is called.
Me: NONE of the phone lines are working, what’s going on?
Bell Minion #1: Are you sure they don’t work?
Me: YES!!
Bell Minion #1: Let me check your file.
(awkward silence)
Bell Minion #1: It seems someone entered a code onto your file to have your line disconnected.
Me: WHY? All I wanted was two accounts MERGED onto one bill!!
Bell Minion #1: We are very sorry; we will have this fixed right away.
A day later. The phone finally works. Now I am getting people frantically calling me, saying there is NO voicemail. I break the news to the boss. I am at the front of the business when I notice that our fax machine is continuously calling our mainline. For 20 minutes. I go to the back office, to find the boss panicking trying to access voicemail from the fax machine to the main line. Apparently she has being trying to program the message but people keep calling on the line and interrupting it. So I decide to do this for her.
I dial the number to access the machine. And get the very long and descriptive 5 minute Bell Canada voice mail message before I can FINALLY get into the message area.
Me: (leaving message) Hi welcome to… BOOP…. BOOP…. What the fuck?
(someone calling on other line)
Boss: FUCK!!! (clicks over) Hello? … Yes… I KNOW THE VOICEMAIL ISNT WORKING…. Thanks… yeah… bye…
Me: (going through entire retarded instructive message AGAIN) Hi welcome to… BOOP… BOOP…. I don’t fucking BOOOP… believe this shit… BOOOP
Boss pulling out her hair in anger.
Me: (going through message again “hi welcome to bell messaging service, if you are ready to record your message please press 2, ok you have pushed 2, now make sure your message is ready, push two again and wait for the tone and start recording”) Hi welcome to BOOP….. BOOP…. I’m going to kill this person… BOOP…..
Boss leaving little piles of hair on the corner of the desk grabs the phone and slams it on the table.
Me: This is getting ridiculous… people are calling us while we are leaving the message. To tell us WE HAVE NO MESSAGE. ARGHHHHH
Boss: This has been going on for 40 fucking minutes. I’m going to lose my mind.
Me: (going through stupid system again) Hi welcome to BOOOP…. BOOOP….
(clicking over to other line)
Bell Minion: Hi I’m calling from bell Canada to tell you about our great long distance plan.
FUCK YOU!!!! Click.
Me: (getting through almost ENTIRE message before getting cut off)
Attempts it 4 more times…
5th time is going smoothly, I’m sure to make the message complete before getting cut off.
Me:…(almost the end, I’ve almost made it)…. and our website is BOOOP….BOOOP…..
It took over an hour for the message to be recorded.