(no subject)
so actually after high_school_low mentioned loveing gabe saporta/kevin devine, i wrote a littel tiny bit of fic about them, and then on the way to school i was thinking about it, and like... i have a lot more fic to write.
because, as maria discovered, gabe's old band (midtown) and kevin's old band (miracle of '86) did actually play together in the past, so it's concievable that they met, both of them at the height of their fucked-upness, and my brain sort of snowballed from there while listening to disloyal order of water buffalos on the way to school.
like, there's been plenty of srs!gabe fic where he's all I'M SO MESSED UP I'M A DRUG ADDICT I CAN'T LOVE~ and then someone ~heals him or else is just as fucked up, be it travie or brendon or bill, but like... kevin was way more fucked up than gabe ever was. and kevin looks so innocent and childlike, and i can see gabe messing around with him because he thinks he's some other wet-behind-the-ears kid who'll fuck him because he's too unspoiled to know that's gabe's fucking toxic like all the rest, but then, maybe the first time they fuck, maybe the second, whatever, kevin shoots up with gabe right there and gabe suddenly realizes that 1) kevin is older than him. by a lot. even when he was gabe's age he was older than him. he hasn't been as young as gabe in a loooong time, and that scares gabe and 2) he didn't let gabe fuck him because he doesn't know how fucked gabe is; he let gabe fuck him because he's a thousand times more fucked up than gabe is and he's pastthe point of caring about getting better or worse. and gabe is like, oh fuck.
and then they have this thing where they fool around and get high and stay up till all hours (all night, even, never shutting their eyes at all) arguing about whether politics are the only thing that matters or whether the world's already burning and it doesn't matter who's in charge of putting out the fire and nothing matters anymore, not even politics, and eventually they even say "i love you" but that doesn't mean they stop fucking other people or anything, it just means what it means. and gabe cries himself to sleep in kevin's apartment many a time just because he doesn't know what else to do, but kevin never cries, not ever- sometimes gabe feels that kevin doesn't really love him in the same was he loves kevin because kevin won't give him that, won't let gabe see him break down; it takes gabe a while before the thought occurs to him that kevin might just be permenantly broken, might not even have that love to give him.
sometimes he doubts it, though; he's seen kevin's lyrics, sneaking peeks through his notebook when kevin passes out on the sofa. some of them might even be about him, but gabe can never tell for sure. either way, it proves that kevin still does have emotions besides drunk fury and bubbly, stupid, apathetic amusement under there somewhere; gabe can hear it when he sings.
one thing he knows for sure, though, is that he doesn't want to be that, not ever, not some terrifying emotionless monster that can't cry and can't love and can't do anything but hate the world he lives in until he hates it so much he can't even bring himself to care about how awful it is because he feels like the world isn't worth his hatred. gabe wonders how long he has until he's like that- a year? two years? five? ten? does it even matter?
"you should do less drugs," gabe tells kevin as he narrows out his pile into a line.
"yeah, doing coke only twice a day instead of six times would really make me a better person," kevin deadpans. he takes a cut straw out of his backpack. "you're such a shining role model."
yeah; gabe's always seen himself as some sort of flaming trainwreck, ever since he was a little kid, but at least he knows he can't function. if gabe's a flaming trainwreck, kevin's a train pulling into the station on fire with ever passenger dead, but perfectly on time. it's chilling to see him, even for gabe. kevin gets drunk and laughs and laughs and laughs, stumbling from night to day to night to day to night again, totally unaffected by the passage of time. gabe would be jealous if it weren't so horrific.
at least the sex is great.
kevin's inside matches his outside; he looks soft and round and sweet and adorable, a little freckled irish cherub, but the skin around his bones is loose like a cat's, so if you pinched it you could stretch it. his bones jut through so sharply that they tear up anyone who dares get close to him, just like kevin himself- he only looks like he's functioning. he's not. gabe wonders what he looked like before the smack, if his edges were always that brutal or if he was once as soft and tender as he looks.
gabe handcuffs kevin to the bed in his own apartment and gets rid of all his drugs. when kevin comes to, he's furious. gabe keeps everything sharp in the kitchen so kevin can't use it against gabe or himself; he's not sure which is more likely. he brings him food but kevin won't eat it, so gabe waits patiently for kevin to calm down.
he spends his time watching kevin thrash and scream and beg, and gabe hand-feeds him and fucks him and passes out on his shoulder. when they run out of food, he doesn't go out to get more; neither of them have been hungry for anything but drugs for twenty hours.
forty-eight hours pass, and gabe finally sees kevin cry.
i hate writing misery!fic, so idk about that last bit. it's so extreme. i think i may just end up writing it so they just fall in horrificly disfunction love and leave it there, but the forced detox thing is so something gabe would do, idk. he's so fucked up. THEY'RE SO FUCKED UP.
because, as maria discovered, gabe's old band (midtown) and kevin's old band (miracle of '86) did actually play together in the past, so it's concievable that they met, both of them at the height of their fucked-upness, and my brain sort of snowballed from there while listening to disloyal order of water buffalos on the way to school.
like, there's been plenty of srs!gabe fic where he's all I'M SO MESSED UP I'M A DRUG ADDICT I CAN'T LOVE~ and then someone ~heals him or else is just as fucked up, be it travie or brendon or bill, but like... kevin was way more fucked up than gabe ever was. and kevin looks so innocent and childlike, and i can see gabe messing around with him because he thinks he's some other wet-behind-the-ears kid who'll fuck him because he's too unspoiled to know that's gabe's fucking toxic like all the rest, but then, maybe the first time they fuck, maybe the second, whatever, kevin shoots up with gabe right there and gabe suddenly realizes that 1) kevin is older than him. by a lot. even when he was gabe's age he was older than him. he hasn't been as young as gabe in a loooong time, and that scares gabe and 2) he didn't let gabe fuck him because he doesn't know how fucked gabe is; he let gabe fuck him because he's a thousand times more fucked up than gabe is and he's pastthe point of caring about getting better or worse. and gabe is like, oh fuck.
and then they have this thing where they fool around and get high and stay up till all hours (all night, even, never shutting their eyes at all) arguing about whether politics are the only thing that matters or whether the world's already burning and it doesn't matter who's in charge of putting out the fire and nothing matters anymore, not even politics, and eventually they even say "i love you" but that doesn't mean they stop fucking other people or anything, it just means what it means. and gabe cries himself to sleep in kevin's apartment many a time just because he doesn't know what else to do, but kevin never cries, not ever- sometimes gabe feels that kevin doesn't really love him in the same was he loves kevin because kevin won't give him that, won't let gabe see him break down; it takes gabe a while before the thought occurs to him that kevin might just be permenantly broken, might not even have that love to give him.
sometimes he doubts it, though; he's seen kevin's lyrics, sneaking peeks through his notebook when kevin passes out on the sofa. some of them might even be about him, but gabe can never tell for sure. either way, it proves that kevin still does have emotions besides drunk fury and bubbly, stupid, apathetic amusement under there somewhere; gabe can hear it when he sings.
one thing he knows for sure, though, is that he doesn't want to be that, not ever, not some terrifying emotionless monster that can't cry and can't love and can't do anything but hate the world he lives in until he hates it so much he can't even bring himself to care about how awful it is because he feels like the world isn't worth his hatred. gabe wonders how long he has until he's like that- a year? two years? five? ten? does it even matter?
"you should do less drugs," gabe tells kevin as he narrows out his pile into a line.
"yeah, doing coke only twice a day instead of six times would really make me a better person," kevin deadpans. he takes a cut straw out of his backpack. "you're such a shining role model."
yeah; gabe's always seen himself as some sort of flaming trainwreck, ever since he was a little kid, but at least he knows he can't function. if gabe's a flaming trainwreck, kevin's a train pulling into the station on fire with ever passenger dead, but perfectly on time. it's chilling to see him, even for gabe. kevin gets drunk and laughs and laughs and laughs, stumbling from night to day to night to day to night again, totally unaffected by the passage of time. gabe would be jealous if it weren't so horrific.
at least the sex is great.
kevin's inside matches his outside; he looks soft and round and sweet and adorable, a little freckled irish cherub, but the skin around his bones is loose like a cat's, so if you pinched it you could stretch it. his bones jut through so sharply that they tear up anyone who dares get close to him, just like kevin himself- he only looks like he's functioning. he's not. gabe wonders what he looked like before the smack, if his edges were always that brutal or if he was once as soft and tender as he looks.
gabe handcuffs kevin to the bed in his own apartment and gets rid of all his drugs. when kevin comes to, he's furious. gabe keeps everything sharp in the kitchen so kevin can't use it against gabe or himself; he's not sure which is more likely. he brings him food but kevin won't eat it, so gabe waits patiently for kevin to calm down.
he spends his time watching kevin thrash and scream and beg, and gabe hand-feeds him and fucks him and passes out on his shoulder. when they run out of food, he doesn't go out to get more; neither of them have been hungry for anything but drugs for twenty hours.
forty-eight hours pass, and gabe finally sees kevin cry.
i hate writing misery!fic, so idk about that last bit. it's so extreme. i think i may just end up writing it so they just fall in horrificly disfunction love and leave it there, but the forced detox thing is so something gabe would do, idk. he's so fucked up. THEY'RE SO FUCKED UP.