Why memories should be buried in the backyard with a shovel.
oh God- I have been cleaning out my office and closets and of course came upon THE STACK. The stack of old boyfriend photos and notes and my journals. Tossing lots of pics and the sentimental side of my soul makes me keep a few for momento. Then I did the most stupid thing I have done in a long time- I picked up a few of my journals and started reading.
My book journals are coveted by my neices- when Panda graduates I have promised her for years that she can read them. I have kept them since the 8th grade. Every painful magical wonderful adventurous and hanus moment of my life is in there- until about 2 years ago.
I didnt want to remember any more. I stopped writing my feelings and hopes down on paper. I put some things in here but this is usually- what I am doing etc not how I am feeling.
I was so poetic and free spirited at one time in my life. The transformation of me is all right there- laid out like a timeline. I want to cry because the woman that I was- the intelligent beautiful wild adventurous woman I was- was broken. Tamed like the shrew.
How could I let that happen? How could I let the bastard of my past break me like that? Who the hell is this person I am now? I love my life where it is- I would not give up my fiance or my career for anything- but I do not like WHO I am now.
Half the time I leave my house I have no make up on and my hair is in a ponytail or piled on top of my head. I have gained so much weight those years I was being tamed that I can no longer wear all the fantastic clothes that I cannot bring myself to get rid of taking space in my closet. Maybe all women feel this way at some point. Where they forget about the thoughts they used to have. The Thelma and Louise spirit has to die at some point I suppose. I just turned 29. The fact that I will be 40 in 11 years in unfathomable to me. The fact that I am tired all the time and stressed about money and planning for the future-
Covet the times that I didnt worry about the future.
Covet the times when nightly beauty ritual included actual skin care.....
I have lost my mind.
My book journals are coveted by my neices- when Panda graduates I have promised her for years that she can read them. I have kept them since the 8th grade. Every painful magical wonderful adventurous and hanus moment of my life is in there- until about 2 years ago.
I didnt want to remember any more. I stopped writing my feelings and hopes down on paper. I put some things in here but this is usually- what I am doing etc not how I am feeling.
I was so poetic and free spirited at one time in my life. The transformation of me is all right there- laid out like a timeline. I want to cry because the woman that I was- the intelligent beautiful wild adventurous woman I was- was broken. Tamed like the shrew.
How could I let that happen? How could I let the bastard of my past break me like that? Who the hell is this person I am now? I love my life where it is- I would not give up my fiance or my career for anything- but I do not like WHO I am now.
Half the time I leave my house I have no make up on and my hair is in a ponytail or piled on top of my head. I have gained so much weight those years I was being tamed that I can no longer wear all the fantastic clothes that I cannot bring myself to get rid of taking space in my closet. Maybe all women feel this way at some point. Where they forget about the thoughts they used to have. The Thelma and Louise spirit has to die at some point I suppose. I just turned 29. The fact that I will be 40 in 11 years in unfathomable to me. The fact that I am tired all the time and stressed about money and planning for the future-
Covet the times that I didnt worry about the future.
Covet the times when nightly beauty ritual included actual skin care.....
I have lost my mind.