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How do I tell the world everything about life that leaves me feeling like sunflowers in a bed of mud? Great/horrible. I don't know how honest I should be, but in the spirit of how liberated I feel, I think I might be up to this honesty. My personal journal has been quite sufficient for me lately (hence having had few lj entries as of late), but maybe it is time I let those who care about me know that my therapy is finally finally finally serving its purpose directly, and I am finishing up my sixth day of normal, non-disordered eating. This is a big thing. I've had problems with food all of my life, restricting myself from foods since the age of 9, which led to compulsive over-eating, which turned into a month-long starvation when I was 17, which turned into what I've been suffering from for three and a half years now. And I have spent since the time I passed out in the bathroom during Writer's Bootcamp, the first weekend of college, actively seeking recovery. Since then, I have not denied this disease from myself, but I have from others to keep from feeling ashamed, guilty, and so on. That's what makes this entry awkward for me. I don't know how many of you I have lied to, but I need to be able to put all of that shame tucked away safely in a box, therefore, I feel better about being honest.
Anyway, six days is huge for me. In the past three and a half years (at least), the longest healthy-eating streak I've had is about 24 hours. And as great as this feels, it also sucks. Let's be honest. While I expected the hardest part of this to be controlling myself with food, this is proving to be the easy part. Which is amazing, by the way. It means my therapy is working, as opposed to feeding (pun/oops) me short-term solutions. No, what I'm struggling with the most is my body. Physically and mentally this is so hard to handle when I have to be in this body. I am retaining a ridiculous amount of water, and my lower digestive system is so confused that all it seems to know to do is create cramps that I have to now handle with a high-fiber diet. I kind of feel like a walking water balloon at all times. I think it's supposed to take a couple of weeks for this to go away. I imagine I'll be used to... whatever happens... by then.
At least I can take several comforts with me. Like, well, I may not be as thin right now, but at least my heart isn't going to stop unexpectedly. And I am going to the gym 4-5 times a week. Staying active is what got me into this recovery mess, so now it's going to be what gets me through it. I have to just get through this mess since turning back would make these past six days feel like the biggest waste of my life ever.
Six days. Tomorrow will mark my one week anniversary, since it was last Sunday afternoon when I made the impulsive decision to shoot for this.
Ed Wood. If this is the only piece of art I am involved in, I would be okay with that. Brilliant.
Anyway, six days is huge for me. In the past three and a half years (at least), the longest healthy-eating streak I've had is about 24 hours. And as great as this feels, it also sucks. Let's be honest. While I expected the hardest part of this to be controlling myself with food, this is proving to be the easy part. Which is amazing, by the way. It means my therapy is working, as opposed to feeding (pun/oops) me short-term solutions. No, what I'm struggling with the most is my body. Physically and mentally this is so hard to handle when I have to be in this body. I am retaining a ridiculous amount of water, and my lower digestive system is so confused that all it seems to know to do is create cramps that I have to now handle with a high-fiber diet. I kind of feel like a walking water balloon at all times. I think it's supposed to take a couple of weeks for this to go away. I imagine I'll be used to... whatever happens... by then.
At least I can take several comforts with me. Like, well, I may not be as thin right now, but at least my heart isn't going to stop unexpectedly. And I am going to the gym 4-5 times a week. Staying active is what got me into this recovery mess, so now it's going to be what gets me through it. I have to just get through this mess since turning back would make these past six days feel like the biggest waste of my life ever.
Six days. Tomorrow will mark my one week anniversary, since it was last Sunday afternoon when I made the impulsive decision to shoot for this.
Ed Wood. If this is the only piece of art I am involved in, I would be okay with that. Brilliant.