The Envelope; Kurt & Karofsky fic; Glee
title: The Envelope
fandom: Glee
characters/pairing: Kurt Hummel, Dave Karofsky, one-sided Kurt/Karofsky
rating: PG-13
words: ~1,700
summary: Karofsky doesn't come to school one day, and then his father brings Kurt a envelope that is from the late bully.
warnings: spoilers up to 2x07. Character death.
notes: I haven't written in FOREVER but now Glee has eaten my brain.
It was obvious to Kurt that something wasn’t quite right when principal Figgins’s voice was heard over the intercom after the normal morning announcements, saying that he had some regretful news. The principal didn’t speak a first, sighing into the microphone and making a clattering sound of a long drag of forceful air that emitted from the speakers, making several people wince at the noise.
“Students and facility, I’m regretful to announce that a student of ours passed away last night, David Karofsky. If you wish to have some counseling, Ms. Pillsbury will be available throughout the day.” He paused, making another one of the horrible clattering sighs into the microphone. “Let’s have a moment of silence to remember David, and pray for his family and friends in this troubling time.”
Only slightly flinching at the principal’s message of prayer, Kurt stilled, blood rushing in his ears. He was internally conflicted; first thinking of how he would never be slammed into a locker again by the jock, he would never receive another death threat dripping with control, and the icy sting of a slushie being thrown in his face and the disgusting feeling of the drink seeping through his clothes would probably be cut down tremendously. However, he soon chased those thoughts away, thinking he should be more sympathetic. Karofsky was a person after all, and anybody’s death was a significant one. Kurt decided that he was going to be better than him; Kurt actually had a shred of compassion for his enemies, even if they did try to ruin his life.
Kurt closed his eyes and bowed his head, not in prayer, but thinking of Karofsky’s family, because they weren’t the ones to bully him.
Details of Karofsky’s death spread throughout the school like a silent wildfire, with students whispering in each other’s ears because it wasn’t tactful to say that the dead student actually committed suicide. Still, by the end of the end of the day, everybody knew that the stocky hockey player checked out on life.
Sam was the one to tell Kurt. Sam was mostly casual about it; he strolled into the music room and took a seat between Kurt and Rachel, with the rest of the glee club gathered around in chairs.
“Don’t you wonder how Karofsky died?” Sam asked. “It’s not that he was sick or anything.”
“No, that’s horrible. Have some respect,” Quinn said. It was human nature to question how one died, and no matter how much they lied to themselves, they were all very curious and clung to Sam’s every motion, hoping that Quinn’s comment wouldn’t deter him from sharing the information he had.
“Killed himself,” Sam whispered. “Took his father’s gun and…well...”
There was a beat of silence.
“No way,” Puck said. “What was wrong with his life? He had no problems.”
“You don’t know that,” Rachel argued.
The members of the club were silent again. Kurt felt violently sick to his stomach, his stomach twisting and churning, and he couldn’t breathe - it felt like strong hands were pressed onto to either side of his head, fingers threading through his hair and sliding over his ears -
“Kurt, are you okay? It looks like you’re gonna hurl.”
Kurt barely heard Artie speak, and only vaguely felt Finn’s hand on his shoulder, heavy with worry.
It wasn’t his fault, no. Karofsky killed himself. Kurt offered to help him, but he refused. He didn’t want to be helped with understanding his sexuality. And who was to say that was the reason why he killed himself? Yes, that’s right. Kurt wasn’t going to let Karofsky bully him even after he was dead.
“I’m fine,” Kurt said, with his voice shaking. Sit up straight, brush bangs out of the face. Smile of reassurance.
And he pushed the thoughts out his mind, and focused on outshining Rachel.
Thirty-three minutes into practice, a stocky middle aged man walked through the door, and Finn bent over to whisper in Rachel’s ear, and Kurt over heard him.
“That’s Karofsky’s dad. I’ve seen him at sports stuff before.”
The man that looked too much like his son announced that he had something for Kurt Hummel. Only after Brittany pointed out Kurt because Kurt didn’t identify himself, the man took wide strides across the room and pulled an envelope from his coat pocket and held it.
“Kurt?” the man asked. Kurt looked briefly up at the man before forcing his eyes back down. He couldn’t handle seeing the father in grief, with his eyes red from crying and expression caught between lost and angry. Kurt thought that it was selfish for Karofsky to kill himself when it left people he cared about so shattered, but Kurt nodded, still staring at the ground.
A plain white envelope was pushed into his vision, and Kurt took it silently. Kurt looked down at the sealed envelope. With shaking hands, he examined it, seeing that a messy scrawl spelled his name across the front. He ran his fingers over his name, hoping that what was contained inside wouldn’t be what he thought it was.
“I…,” Kurt began, but when he looked up, Karofsky’s father had already left.
“Kurt,” Mr. Schuester gently said. “You can go in my office, or go home, if you want to.”
Kurt pushed the envelope deep into his Versace bag. He didn’t want to deal with the suicide letter - or whatever it was. Karofsky could wait.
Everyone took that as a message to not press anymore at the matter.
Later, when Kurt was home lounging on his bed and staring at the ceiling, thoughts kept running over and over in his mind. What if he blames me? Kurt knew that it wasn’t his fault, but the thought that the other boy would end his life make him feel immensely guilty. Kurt’s words to the other boy of “You are nothing but a scared little boy that can’t handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are” now made Kurt twinge with regret.
Next to him, Kurt’s phone buzzed with an incoming message. Kurt picked it up to see a message from Finn.
did u read what karofsky’s dad gave you yet?
Kurt sighed, and let his arm fall to the mattress and ignored the text, but five minutes later Finn sent another.
r u ok? need to talk with some1?
“No, Finn,” Kurt said aloud, even though he was alone. Kurt slipped under the covers and tugged them up to his chin and shut his eyes, trying to sleep.
However, his cell phone buzzed again, and then again a few seconds later. Now frustrated, Kurt kicked the down filled comforter onto the floor and grabbed his phone off of his bedside table.
The first text was from Blaine.
Finn just told me about Karofsky and about what his dad gave you. If you need somebody, I’m here to listen. I mean it Kurt.
The second text was another from Finn.
why won’t u answer me :(
Not answering either person, Kurt turned off his phone and tossed it to the side.
Cursing, Kurt rolled over and reached into his bag, pushing past his scarf and notebooks, and frowned when he found what he was looking for. He pulled the envelope out of his bag as he scooted his legs over the edge of the bed and sat on the side of the mattress. Despite every logical part of his mind telling him that he should rip and burn this envelope and its contents, Kurt took a deep breath and ripped the seal, wondering if Dave had licked the seal shut, and then questioning when he started thinking of him as “Dave”.
Kurt took the letter out, letting the envelope fall to the ground, and began to read.
“Kurt,”
He actually addressed him by his real name, and Kurt let out a single sob.
“First of all, I looked up words in the dictionary to make sure they’re spelled right because I know how you love good grammar.
But what I really want to say is that I’m sorry for what happened in the locker room two weeks ago. I would say I didn’t mean it but I would be lying if I said that. So yeah, I did mean that, and yeah, I am gay. It’s hard for me to even write that, I don’t know how you can walk around all that time, letting your gay shine bright for everyone to see. But that’s what I like about you. You’re so confident about who you are, and I wish I could be as comfortable in my skin as you are.
But the thing I am even sorrier about than me kissing you is hurting you all those times. Pushing you around and stuff. And saying I would kill you. I wouldn’t really have done it if you did tell. I can say that I didn’t mean it this time without lying. I just didn’t know how to deal with it all, and I didn’t want to like you, or be attracted to other guys. It sucks.
Don’t think that I blame or anything, because I don’t. It hurt when you pushed me away, but I understand why. I made you hate me. Because if you hated me, you would never want to be with me, and then I wouldn’t have to face that I was gay, and the fact that I have had a major crush on you for a long time. Or that I couldn’t stop myself from staring at other guys sometimes. It’s all my fault. I hate myself. And I can never have what I really want, I can never be happy. You and your friend told me that I’m not alone, but I am, and I know it seems like I am a tough guy, but it hurts, so so much.
So I’m ending it. I hope you have a fantastic life. I just wish I had your courage.
-Dave”
Kurt clenched his fist, crinkling the letter in his hand as brought it up to his chest, and he curled up on his side and cried, harder than he ever had in his life.
fandom: Glee
characters/pairing: Kurt Hummel, Dave Karofsky, one-sided Kurt/Karofsky
rating: PG-13
words: ~1,700
summary: Karofsky doesn't come to school one day, and then his father brings Kurt a envelope that is from the late bully.
warnings: spoilers up to 2x07. Character death.
notes: I haven't written in FOREVER but now Glee has eaten my brain.
It was obvious to Kurt that something wasn’t quite right when principal Figgins’s voice was heard over the intercom after the normal morning announcements, saying that he had some regretful news. The principal didn’t speak a first, sighing into the microphone and making a clattering sound of a long drag of forceful air that emitted from the speakers, making several people wince at the noise.
“Students and facility, I’m regretful to announce that a student of ours passed away last night, David Karofsky. If you wish to have some counseling, Ms. Pillsbury will be available throughout the day.” He paused, making another one of the horrible clattering sighs into the microphone. “Let’s have a moment of silence to remember David, and pray for his family and friends in this troubling time.”
Only slightly flinching at the principal’s message of prayer, Kurt stilled, blood rushing in his ears. He was internally conflicted; first thinking of how he would never be slammed into a locker again by the jock, he would never receive another death threat dripping with control, and the icy sting of a slushie being thrown in his face and the disgusting feeling of the drink seeping through his clothes would probably be cut down tremendously. However, he soon chased those thoughts away, thinking he should be more sympathetic. Karofsky was a person after all, and anybody’s death was a significant one. Kurt decided that he was going to be better than him; Kurt actually had a shred of compassion for his enemies, even if they did try to ruin his life.
Kurt closed his eyes and bowed his head, not in prayer, but thinking of Karofsky’s family, because they weren’t the ones to bully him.
Details of Karofsky’s death spread throughout the school like a silent wildfire, with students whispering in each other’s ears because it wasn’t tactful to say that the dead student actually committed suicide. Still, by the end of the end of the day, everybody knew that the stocky hockey player checked out on life.
Sam was the one to tell Kurt. Sam was mostly casual about it; he strolled into the music room and took a seat between Kurt and Rachel, with the rest of the glee club gathered around in chairs.
“Don’t you wonder how Karofsky died?” Sam asked. “It’s not that he was sick or anything.”
“No, that’s horrible. Have some respect,” Quinn said. It was human nature to question how one died, and no matter how much they lied to themselves, they were all very curious and clung to Sam’s every motion, hoping that Quinn’s comment wouldn’t deter him from sharing the information he had.
“Killed himself,” Sam whispered. “Took his father’s gun and…well...”
There was a beat of silence.
“No way,” Puck said. “What was wrong with his life? He had no problems.”
“You don’t know that,” Rachel argued.
The members of the club were silent again. Kurt felt violently sick to his stomach, his stomach twisting and churning, and he couldn’t breathe - it felt like strong hands were pressed onto to either side of his head, fingers threading through his hair and sliding over his ears -
“Kurt, are you okay? It looks like you’re gonna hurl.”
Kurt barely heard Artie speak, and only vaguely felt Finn’s hand on his shoulder, heavy with worry.
It wasn’t his fault, no. Karofsky killed himself. Kurt offered to help him, but he refused. He didn’t want to be helped with understanding his sexuality. And who was to say that was the reason why he killed himself? Yes, that’s right. Kurt wasn’t going to let Karofsky bully him even after he was dead.
“I’m fine,” Kurt said, with his voice shaking. Sit up straight, brush bangs out of the face. Smile of reassurance.
And he pushed the thoughts out his mind, and focused on outshining Rachel.
Thirty-three minutes into practice, a stocky middle aged man walked through the door, and Finn bent over to whisper in Rachel’s ear, and Kurt over heard him.
“That’s Karofsky’s dad. I’ve seen him at sports stuff before.”
The man that looked too much like his son announced that he had something for Kurt Hummel. Only after Brittany pointed out Kurt because Kurt didn’t identify himself, the man took wide strides across the room and pulled an envelope from his coat pocket and held it.
“Kurt?” the man asked. Kurt looked briefly up at the man before forcing his eyes back down. He couldn’t handle seeing the father in grief, with his eyes red from crying and expression caught between lost and angry. Kurt thought that it was selfish for Karofsky to kill himself when it left people he cared about so shattered, but Kurt nodded, still staring at the ground.
A plain white envelope was pushed into his vision, and Kurt took it silently. Kurt looked down at the sealed envelope. With shaking hands, he examined it, seeing that a messy scrawl spelled his name across the front. He ran his fingers over his name, hoping that what was contained inside wouldn’t be what he thought it was.
“I…,” Kurt began, but when he looked up, Karofsky’s father had already left.
“Kurt,” Mr. Schuester gently said. “You can go in my office, or go home, if you want to.”
Kurt pushed the envelope deep into his Versace bag. He didn’t want to deal with the suicide letter - or whatever it was. Karofsky could wait.
Everyone took that as a message to not press anymore at the matter.
Later, when Kurt was home lounging on his bed and staring at the ceiling, thoughts kept running over and over in his mind. What if he blames me? Kurt knew that it wasn’t his fault, but the thought that the other boy would end his life make him feel immensely guilty. Kurt’s words to the other boy of “You are nothing but a scared little boy that can’t handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are” now made Kurt twinge with regret.
Next to him, Kurt’s phone buzzed with an incoming message. Kurt picked it up to see a message from Finn.
did u read what karofsky’s dad gave you yet?
Kurt sighed, and let his arm fall to the mattress and ignored the text, but five minutes later Finn sent another.
r u ok? need to talk with some1?
“No, Finn,” Kurt said aloud, even though he was alone. Kurt slipped under the covers and tugged them up to his chin and shut his eyes, trying to sleep.
However, his cell phone buzzed again, and then again a few seconds later. Now frustrated, Kurt kicked the down filled comforter onto the floor and grabbed his phone off of his bedside table.
The first text was from Blaine.
Finn just told me about Karofsky and about what his dad gave you. If you need somebody, I’m here to listen. I mean it Kurt.
The second text was another from Finn.
why won’t u answer me :(
Not answering either person, Kurt turned off his phone and tossed it to the side.
Cursing, Kurt rolled over and reached into his bag, pushing past his scarf and notebooks, and frowned when he found what he was looking for. He pulled the envelope out of his bag as he scooted his legs over the edge of the bed and sat on the side of the mattress. Despite every logical part of his mind telling him that he should rip and burn this envelope and its contents, Kurt took a deep breath and ripped the seal, wondering if Dave had licked the seal shut, and then questioning when he started thinking of him as “Dave”.
Kurt took the letter out, letting the envelope fall to the ground, and began to read.
“Kurt,”
He actually addressed him by his real name, and Kurt let out a single sob.
“First of all, I looked up words in the dictionary to make sure they’re spelled right because I know how you love good grammar.
But what I really want to say is that I’m sorry for what happened in the locker room two weeks ago. I would say I didn’t mean it but I would be lying if I said that. So yeah, I did mean that, and yeah, I am gay. It’s hard for me to even write that, I don’t know how you can walk around all that time, letting your gay shine bright for everyone to see. But that’s what I like about you. You’re so confident about who you are, and I wish I could be as comfortable in my skin as you are.
But the thing I am even sorrier about than me kissing you is hurting you all those times. Pushing you around and stuff. And saying I would kill you. I wouldn’t really have done it if you did tell. I can say that I didn’t mean it this time without lying. I just didn’t know how to deal with it all, and I didn’t want to like you, or be attracted to other guys. It sucks.
Don’t think that I blame or anything, because I don’t. It hurt when you pushed me away, but I understand why. I made you hate me. Because if you hated me, you would never want to be with me, and then I wouldn’t have to face that I was gay, and the fact that I have had a major crush on you for a long time. Or that I couldn’t stop myself from staring at other guys sometimes. It’s all my fault. I hate myself. And I can never have what I really want, I can never be happy. You and your friend told me that I’m not alone, but I am, and I know it seems like I am a tough guy, but it hurts, so so much.
So I’m ending it. I hope you have a fantastic life. I just wish I had your courage.
-Dave”
Kurt clenched his fist, crinkling the letter in his hand as brought it up to his chest, and he curled up on his side and cried, harder than he ever had in his life.