Someone stole my sunshine...
Ok,
I did mushrooms covered chocolate on Friday the 13th with a stranger, Valentine Date I met on Craigslist, while on a camping trip, way out in the woods this past weekend. He was cute but too grown up and reserved. Didn't cop a feel or even try to kiss me. He rushed me the very next morning to pack up b/c he said he had to go home early... which was very upsetting b/c I really wanted to stay and enjoy the rest of the camp out.
So despite my pathetic attempt to have a good Valentines day with some one this year... I still spent it alone. Alone after a mushroom tripped out Friday and I still felt wired and prob. should not have even been but who can I call? I have not had a good friend in ages it seems.
If I fell and started to bleed to death... I would die. Some times it takes all my energy not to fall on a knife, or accidentally not take a bottle of pills, or walk into traffic. I have been fighting for so long that it's almost a shock to realize after all these years I'm just going to loose any way...
I'm spiraling back down to that dark place deep inside and I know why no one wants to be my friend. I know why I don't have any good lovers any more or even a single decent one night stand in ages... I just don't care to even try any more.
Sat. while on mushrooms I felt no fear of death, only peace to just 'exist' and realized it was all going to be ok, I was right where I needed to be... and it felt so good to just be 'OK' with my SELF! Now I can feel the difference again and I know I will never be ok. NEVER... so death no longer seems as scary as it once was...
So if this ends up being my last post then good bye...
-Jeni
I did mushrooms covered chocolate on Friday the 13th with a stranger, Valentine Date I met on Craigslist, while on a camping trip, way out in the woods this past weekend. He was cute but too grown up and reserved. Didn't cop a feel or even try to kiss me. He rushed me the very next morning to pack up b/c he said he had to go home early... which was very upsetting b/c I really wanted to stay and enjoy the rest of the camp out.
So despite my pathetic attempt to have a good Valentines day with some one this year... I still spent it alone. Alone after a mushroom tripped out Friday and I still felt wired and prob. should not have even been but who can I call? I have not had a good friend in ages it seems.
If I fell and started to bleed to death... I would die. Some times it takes all my energy not to fall on a knife, or accidentally not take a bottle of pills, or walk into traffic. I have been fighting for so long that it's almost a shock to realize after all these years I'm just going to loose any way...
I'm spiraling back down to that dark place deep inside and I know why no one wants to be my friend. I know why I don't have any good lovers any more or even a single decent one night stand in ages... I just don't care to even try any more.
Sat. while on mushrooms I felt no fear of death, only peace to just 'exist' and realized it was all going to be ok, I was right where I needed to be... and it felt so good to just be 'OK' with my SELF! Now I can feel the difference again and I know I will never be ok. NEVER... so death no longer seems as scary as it once was...
So if this ends up being my last post then good bye...
-Jeni