momma said there'd be days like this.
and sometimes i'm glad she's not around to see me on them. seriously, i am not so different from the storm currently raging over north austin. far less enjoyable, but not so different. more and more, i appreciate those of you who dare to put up with me. and to the few that do more than just tolerate me, well you are amazing. you should be working for a secret government agency, where they would train you in a giant airplane hangar, six stories underground, and you would learn to "dispatch" unfriendly dictator-types with the cunning use of indian burns. coup d'etat, indeed. (angela, are you getting all of this down?) but i digress. and how.
ten o'clock this morning. i sit up and ohfuck, my head has already entered full-fledged migraine range. to the point of nausea. in my sleep. fuck. no bother, today i am supposed to hear back about a job. a fucking editorial job. almost a dream come true. at this point, i am not sure it wouldn't be. so i go to check my email to see if i have heard from anyone, employers or otherwise. oh. fuck. erin has a brain tumor. right now, i am thinking of monday, and the uberpsycho blogs i posted about how something really bad just happened to someone i care about. i chalked it up to paranoia. erin was diagnosed monday. sometimes powers are a curse. you guys have seen the dead zone. so, digression aside, i am immediately in a panic. i log on to aim to see if anyone is on that can give me info, and...oh.fuck. me. cory's away message reads, 'jeanne's brother passed away peacefully..." all i can think is i want to be the kind of friend a fewveryselectfew have been through my most troubled times. but by now, i can barely walk. hours of vomiting on an already empty stomach will do this to you. so i send carefully worded emails, wanting to avoid the typical trite sympathies that i know have made me want to kill or be killed in times of grief. all i really wanted to say, was "jeanne/erin, i love you for being a genuine, open and worthwhile human being. survive please. i hope you are getting all the love that you need and more.please tell me if i can do anything to make your life even a little easier or better." i hope that message got through.
by the time brigette got home, i was face down on the bed, with no a/c on, sweating all over a pile of my clean laundry. and not caring. (love = impermanence, mom said that too. oh fuck is mother's day coming up?? ) like i previously alluded to, i have the luxury of some amazing stalwart people. brigette chief among them as of late. she was able to supply relief (read: pills.) that six ibuprofen, two cups of coffee, exercise, hot water, ice, lying down, standing up, darkness, light and whatever else i thought to try never even made a dent in. ugh. i hate that there are so few options. we watched spun, which made me feel a bit better (as in at least i am not THERE right now.) i called kirsten, that talk was nice. onecrazyfucking thunderstorm began, and it was like a giant strobe light in the sky. i sat out there for a long time, mesmerized. thunderstorms are so hypnotic. later on, scarlet asked if she could call, and she did, and it was all tears and inexplicable apologies, and i never felt so helplessly far away from her before. i mean literally not emotionally. what can i really offer her at this point? not much, and i find myself resorting to cliche. how do you tell someone that you love more than anyone you have ever met that "eventually everything will be okay" from two thousand miles away? how?
ten o'clock this morning. i sit up and ohfuck, my head has already entered full-fledged migraine range. to the point of nausea. in my sleep. fuck. no bother, today i am supposed to hear back about a job. a fucking editorial job. almost a dream come true. at this point, i am not sure it wouldn't be. so i go to check my email to see if i have heard from anyone, employers or otherwise. oh. fuck. erin has a brain tumor. right now, i am thinking of monday, and the uberpsycho blogs i posted about how something really bad just happened to someone i care about. i chalked it up to paranoia. erin was diagnosed monday. sometimes powers are a curse. you guys have seen the dead zone. so, digression aside, i am immediately in a panic. i log on to aim to see if anyone is on that can give me info, and...oh.fuck. me. cory's away message reads, 'jeanne's brother passed away peacefully..." all i can think is i want to be the kind of friend a fewveryselectfew have been through my most troubled times. but by now, i can barely walk. hours of vomiting on an already empty stomach will do this to you. so i send carefully worded emails, wanting to avoid the typical trite sympathies that i know have made me want to kill or be killed in times of grief. all i really wanted to say, was "jeanne/erin, i love you for being a genuine, open and worthwhile human being. survive please. i hope you are getting all the love that you need and more.please tell me if i can do anything to make your life even a little easier or better." i hope that message got through.
by the time brigette got home, i was face down on the bed, with no a/c on, sweating all over a pile of my clean laundry. and not caring. (love = impermanence, mom said that too. oh fuck is mother's day coming up?? ) like i previously alluded to, i have the luxury of some amazing stalwart people. brigette chief among them as of late. she was able to supply relief (read: pills.) that six ibuprofen, two cups of coffee, exercise, hot water, ice, lying down, standing up, darkness, light and whatever else i thought to try never even made a dent in. ugh. i hate that there are so few options. we watched spun, which made me feel a bit better (as in at least i am not THERE right now.) i called kirsten, that talk was nice. onecrazyfucking thunderstorm began, and it was like a giant strobe light in the sky. i sat out there for a long time, mesmerized. thunderstorms are so hypnotic. later on, scarlet asked if she could call, and she did, and it was all tears and inexplicable apologies, and i never felt so helplessly far away from her before. i mean literally not emotionally. what can i really offer her at this point? not much, and i find myself resorting to cliche. how do you tell someone that you love more than anyone you have ever met that "eventually everything will be okay" from two thousand miles away? how?