there is no escape.
yet another issue of my sordid past comes back to haunt me as both scarlet and i are assaulted outside the liquor store while buying rockstars late saturday night. true, i was a reckless and foolish little bastard. selfish, self-centered, drugged out to the max. but when do i get a clean slate, a chance to leave that person behind for good. do i ever if my fiancee is being accosted for something that i did over 5 years ago. do i have to leave my hometown with my tail between my legs just to get a fresh start? jesus.
it's true. i had a part in the death of another human being. i did not kill him. i did not make him kill himself. i did not save his life, though i don't believe i could have, others do and therefore hold me responsible. but how much of a chance does someone have to live a long life anyway when they are shooting heroin on a daily basis? i may be one of the fortunate ones that made it out. and there have been many occasions where i have cursed god or what-the-fuck-ever and pleaded,"why him? why not me?" and later on, "why my mother? why not me?". same with billy last year. or joey berger. and so many more. i don't know why not. but i am a different person now. if i have to take some bruises for the person that i was, that is fine. but not scarlet. she does not deserve to pay for the person that i used to be.
i am sorry that ryan, and my mother, and billy and all of the people who die in drug addiction do not get the same second chance that i have gotten. but that does not mean that i am going to waste my new chance at life buried in guilt and remorse. that would only be more of a slap in the face to those who were not as fortunate as myself. and it would be just plain silly.
it's true. i had a part in the death of another human being. i did not kill him. i did not make him kill himself. i did not save his life, though i don't believe i could have, others do and therefore hold me responsible. but how much of a chance does someone have to live a long life anyway when they are shooting heroin on a daily basis? i may be one of the fortunate ones that made it out. and there have been many occasions where i have cursed god or what-the-fuck-ever and pleaded,"why him? why not me?" and later on, "why my mother? why not me?". same with billy last year. or joey berger. and so many more. i don't know why not. but i am a different person now. if i have to take some bruises for the person that i was, that is fine. but not scarlet. she does not deserve to pay for the person that i used to be.
i am sorry that ryan, and my mother, and billy and all of the people who die in drug addiction do not get the same second chance that i have gotten. but that does not mean that i am going to waste my new chance at life buried in guilt and remorse. that would only be more of a slap in the face to those who were not as fortunate as myself. and it would be just plain silly.