Grounding, the 7th Wave, and an Open Heart in Kenmore
So, last entry, I'd just gotten to Kenmore after a road trip of around 4 1/2 hours....on caffeine and sugar and not much else in my system. By the time I got there, I was vibrating from both being on the road that long and the lack of anything solid to eat. In short, I needed to ground....badly. And I needed to start by eating something with some protein and other nutritional value in it. First, however, I made the turns toward the venue (Kenmore Community Club) to make sure I knew where it was and that I could get to it easily. Then I went back to the Subway I'd seen not far from there. (Not my favorite sandwich shop, but it'll do in a pinch.)
My other reason for going to get something to eat was that, it was only about 5:30pm and the concert didn't start until 7pm. I was worried if I got there too early, anyone who saw me there so early would wonder about the crazy lady in the parking lot. So, I went to get something to eat to kill a little time too. About 15 minutes after I placed my sandwich order, I was done eating....and still vibrating just as badly as before. I waited a few more minutes beyond that, but couldn't stand it anymore. I drove over to the Club and parked in the lot. And continued to worry that anyone who saw me would wonder what I was doing there so early.
Okay. I'm going to take a minute here to own my own shit. The worrying I was doing had absolutely nothing to do with anyone there at the venue or who they are as people. It had everything to do with my past experiences with others and how I let those past experiences affect me and influence my thinking. (Spoiler alert: Same thing goes for anything I relay here about insecurity waves.) Enough said on that for now. Back to the story.
There weren't many vehicles in the lot at that point. I recognized s00j truck/suburban from seeing it at Summerstar. There were a few others I figured were Betsy's and Heather and Ben's. But not a lot beyond that. There was a lady sitting by the door, looking like she was ready to check the list of those who'd already paid and take the money of those who hadn't when it was time. And I watched as a couple of people came and went or just walked around the building. And I saw a car pull up and people get out and walk over to the lady at the door. I heard her tell them when the doors would open and that they (i.e. S.J., Betsy, Heather, and Ben) were doing a sound check. Meanwhile, I was still sitting in my car, doors closed, windows up most or all of the way, and my energies vibrating.
Now, I do have a way that I usually ground, which involves having my feet in the ground and sending down my "roots" and all that. It's something I do every day. However, when I really need to ground the most, my ability to use that method seems to disappear. And for some reason, though I kept telling myself to do so, I didn't actually open the car door and put my feet on the ground to "ground". That probably didn't help.
Instead, I reached in my left jeans pocket, sorted (by touch) through the three rocks there, pulled out the silvery gray hematite, held it palm closed, and tried to ground. (I say "tried" because it took a long time before I felt that method start to work.)
As I sat there, hematite in hand, I saw S.J. walk out the door, look in my general direction, and talk with the lady in the chair. At the same time I saw her walk out the door, I felt this big wave of insecurity crash over the top of me. It was like I'd forgotten to watch out for the seventh wave and it came up behind me and knocked me on my ass. I turned my head so she wouldn't think I was staring when she looked over, and held that piece of hematite tightly between both palms.
The thoughts that tumbled in my head when it hit were things like, "Maybe I imagined the comfortableness and the feeling 'right' that I was there for so long, visiting at Summerstar," and "Maybe I was wrong to drive up here for this." (I didn't imagine those feelings. I was right where I needed and was supposed to be that day at Summerstar. And I wasn't wrong to drive up there for the concert. But when I let my insecurities tumble me around like so much flotsam by the waves, I don't think clearly.)
Fortunately, that last thought was quickly followed by, "Well you've driven this far. You're not turning around without going in now." I think that it was at that point, I recognized the wave for what it was. I began to pull myself up and swim through it, though that didn't start out so well. I started by shifting the hematite to my left hand and grabbing the selenite I keep in my car with my right.
Now, while hematite is a grounding stone, selenite is a salt. Being a salt, it essentially lifts. Holding both stones at the same time will make one feel stretched energetically. Something I didn't think about until I experienced it. That was not a helpful feeling at all. I put the selenite back in the slot in the dash where I keep it and went back to holding just the hematite.
Meanwhile, I looked back toward the door of the Club and saw s00j look in my direction from the door, go in, and then Betsy and her stick their heads out and look in my direction and go in. Because of where I was with everything, I thought they were wondering what the crazy person sitting in the car was doing there so early. That's not what they were saying at all, but that's what my baggage and my insecurities were telling me.
The irony is, had s00j known what all I was going through there in that car with the wave of insecurity and the grounding issue, she would've been there with a hug and to help me through it....something I didn't know about her until later. Instead, I made my struggle to the surface alone, one stroke of reasoning at a time. The good thing is, by the time the door opened, I had managed to swim through about 95% of that wave. And, I was feeling more grounded and less like someone had set my energy on "continuous vibrate".
I actually got out of the car an walked up to the door a little before it opened. Four or five other people did too a little after me. They all seemed nice, and I know we introduced ourselves to each other, but dang if I can remember their names. (I'm often better at remembering faces than I am remembering names.) And the lady sitting in the chair, ready to take money or check names looked really familiar, but I couldn't place where I'd seen her before to save my life.
Anyway, the door opened, the lady at the door checked for my name and found it, and in I went.
I looked around the room and saw S.J., Betsy, Ryan, Kevin (K Wiley, not Cheyne), and Reed....the latter of whom was the person S.J. was teaching a song on the guitar at Summerstar. I actually didn't find out her name until later though. At the time, I didn't know who Heather and Ben were either. (That concert was my introduction to them both.) I wanted to talk to s00j, but was kind of waiting for the right opportunity. Meanwhile, I bought a couple of the CD's I didn't have yet ("Haphazard" and "Tangles"). And, I watched people as the room filled up and I took an aisle seat a couple of rows back from the front.
One of the things I noticed as I looked around the room was how everyone greeted each other as if they were greeting family or old friends they hadn't seen in awhile. I've never seen that at a concert before. I thought that was pretty cool. (I still do.) I found myself thinking....I was going to say that I found myself thinking that it would be nice to be part of that community, but that's not actually what I was thinking at the time. What I was thinking to myself, as I quietly observed those around me, was,"This is what you're a part of now." Was that arrogant of me or jumping the gun a bit? I don't know. But that was my thought, nonetheless. Do we become a part of something just by showing up?
Finally, I saw what looked like a good chance to talk with S.J. She was standing over by some tables against the wall near the other end of the row I was sitting in....maybe 5 steps away. I got up and walked over to her. She kind of leaned back a little when she saw me coming. (When I see that, I always wonder what's in my expression that leads people to lean back like that.)
When I got to her, I said, "I gotta tell you. The crazy lady in the car earlier? I was having some grounding issues. After driving for four hours, I was vibrating." (I didn't know how to tell her about the wave of insecurity that hit at the same time I saw her walk out that door. I didn't know how to explain why and trying to explain seemed like something that would be awkward anyway.) She gave me a hug....the comforting kind....with one arm around my shoulders and one hand behind my head. I wrapped my arms around her to complete the hug. After the hug, I said, "I learned the hard way not to use hematite and selenite at the same time. Tried that. Didn't work so well." "Are you okay?" she asked. "Yeah," I said. Then she noticed the CD's in my hand and said, "Oh, you have things for me to sign," and went about opening the wrappers on them so she could sign the CD covers. One of the covers was being rather stubborn and I think it was Ben who helped open that one. Afterward, she said something about how long my drive was, because I remember giving her a hug and saying, "Some people are worth it." And s00j definitely is one of those people.
She's one of those rare people who greet everyone with an open heart. And that hug she gave me? You know that baggage I carry that I keep talking about? When she hugged me, I felt that baggage slide off my shoulders and down to the floor. For a few hours, I was free of it. And, for the rest of the night, I felt completely comfortable and safe to just be myself with her with no reservations. I can't even begin to describe how good that felt or what that meant and means to me. There are very few people in this lifetime I've ever felt that with. And my first thought, as I tried to sort out the why or how of it, was that this isn't the first lifetime we've known each other.
At any rate, with her caring hug, open heart, sense of humor, and playfulness that night, S.J. Tucker became one of my favorite people and someone I care a lot about.
My other reason for going to get something to eat was that, it was only about 5:30pm and the concert didn't start until 7pm. I was worried if I got there too early, anyone who saw me there so early would wonder about the crazy lady in the parking lot. So, I went to get something to eat to kill a little time too. About 15 minutes after I placed my sandwich order, I was done eating....and still vibrating just as badly as before. I waited a few more minutes beyond that, but couldn't stand it anymore. I drove over to the Club and parked in the lot. And continued to worry that anyone who saw me would wonder what I was doing there so early.
Okay. I'm going to take a minute here to own my own shit. The worrying I was doing had absolutely nothing to do with anyone there at the venue or who they are as people. It had everything to do with my past experiences with others and how I let those past experiences affect me and influence my thinking. (Spoiler alert: Same thing goes for anything I relay here about insecurity waves.) Enough said on that for now. Back to the story.
There weren't many vehicles in the lot at that point. I recognized s00j truck/suburban from seeing it at Summerstar. There were a few others I figured were Betsy's and Heather and Ben's. But not a lot beyond that. There was a lady sitting by the door, looking like she was ready to check the list of those who'd already paid and take the money of those who hadn't when it was time. And I watched as a couple of people came and went or just walked around the building. And I saw a car pull up and people get out and walk over to the lady at the door. I heard her tell them when the doors would open and that they (i.e. S.J., Betsy, Heather, and Ben) were doing a sound check. Meanwhile, I was still sitting in my car, doors closed, windows up most or all of the way, and my energies vibrating.
Now, I do have a way that I usually ground, which involves having my feet in the ground and sending down my "roots" and all that. It's something I do every day. However, when I really need to ground the most, my ability to use that method seems to disappear. And for some reason, though I kept telling myself to do so, I didn't actually open the car door and put my feet on the ground to "ground". That probably didn't help.
Instead, I reached in my left jeans pocket, sorted (by touch) through the three rocks there, pulled out the silvery gray hematite, held it palm closed, and tried to ground. (I say "tried" because it took a long time before I felt that method start to work.)
As I sat there, hematite in hand, I saw S.J. walk out the door, look in my general direction, and talk with the lady in the chair. At the same time I saw her walk out the door, I felt this big wave of insecurity crash over the top of me. It was like I'd forgotten to watch out for the seventh wave and it came up behind me and knocked me on my ass. I turned my head so she wouldn't think I was staring when she looked over, and held that piece of hematite tightly between both palms.
The thoughts that tumbled in my head when it hit were things like, "Maybe I imagined the comfortableness and the feeling 'right' that I was there for so long, visiting at Summerstar," and "Maybe I was wrong to drive up here for this." (I didn't imagine those feelings. I was right where I needed and was supposed to be that day at Summerstar. And I wasn't wrong to drive up there for the concert. But when I let my insecurities tumble me around like so much flotsam by the waves, I don't think clearly.)
Fortunately, that last thought was quickly followed by, "Well you've driven this far. You're not turning around without going in now." I think that it was at that point, I recognized the wave for what it was. I began to pull myself up and swim through it, though that didn't start out so well. I started by shifting the hematite to my left hand and grabbing the selenite I keep in my car with my right.
Now, while hematite is a grounding stone, selenite is a salt. Being a salt, it essentially lifts. Holding both stones at the same time will make one feel stretched energetically. Something I didn't think about until I experienced it. That was not a helpful feeling at all. I put the selenite back in the slot in the dash where I keep it and went back to holding just the hematite.
Meanwhile, I looked back toward the door of the Club and saw s00j look in my direction from the door, go in, and then Betsy and her stick their heads out and look in my direction and go in. Because of where I was with everything, I thought they were wondering what the crazy person sitting in the car was doing there so early. That's not what they were saying at all, but that's what my baggage and my insecurities were telling me.
The irony is, had s00j known what all I was going through there in that car with the wave of insecurity and the grounding issue, she would've been there with a hug and to help me through it....something I didn't know about her until later. Instead, I made my struggle to the surface alone, one stroke of reasoning at a time. The good thing is, by the time the door opened, I had managed to swim through about 95% of that wave. And, I was feeling more grounded and less like someone had set my energy on "continuous vibrate".
I actually got out of the car an walked up to the door a little before it opened. Four or five other people did too a little after me. They all seemed nice, and I know we introduced ourselves to each other, but dang if I can remember their names. (I'm often better at remembering faces than I am remembering names.) And the lady sitting in the chair, ready to take money or check names looked really familiar, but I couldn't place where I'd seen her before to save my life.
Anyway, the door opened, the lady at the door checked for my name and found it, and in I went.
I looked around the room and saw S.J., Betsy, Ryan, Kevin (K Wiley, not Cheyne), and Reed....the latter of whom was the person S.J. was teaching a song on the guitar at Summerstar. I actually didn't find out her name until later though. At the time, I didn't know who Heather and Ben were either. (That concert was my introduction to them both.) I wanted to talk to s00j, but was kind of waiting for the right opportunity. Meanwhile, I bought a couple of the CD's I didn't have yet ("Haphazard" and "Tangles"). And, I watched people as the room filled up and I took an aisle seat a couple of rows back from the front.
One of the things I noticed as I looked around the room was how everyone greeted each other as if they were greeting family or old friends they hadn't seen in awhile. I've never seen that at a concert before. I thought that was pretty cool. (I still do.) I found myself thinking....I was going to say that I found myself thinking that it would be nice to be part of that community, but that's not actually what I was thinking at the time. What I was thinking to myself, as I quietly observed those around me, was,"This is what you're a part of now." Was that arrogant of me or jumping the gun a bit? I don't know. But that was my thought, nonetheless. Do we become a part of something just by showing up?
Finally, I saw what looked like a good chance to talk with S.J. She was standing over by some tables against the wall near the other end of the row I was sitting in....maybe 5 steps away. I got up and walked over to her. She kind of leaned back a little when she saw me coming. (When I see that, I always wonder what's in my expression that leads people to lean back like that.)
When I got to her, I said, "I gotta tell you. The crazy lady in the car earlier? I was having some grounding issues. After driving for four hours, I was vibrating." (I didn't know how to tell her about the wave of insecurity that hit at the same time I saw her walk out that door. I didn't know how to explain why and trying to explain seemed like something that would be awkward anyway.) She gave me a hug....the comforting kind....with one arm around my shoulders and one hand behind my head. I wrapped my arms around her to complete the hug. After the hug, I said, "I learned the hard way not to use hematite and selenite at the same time. Tried that. Didn't work so well." "Are you okay?" she asked. "Yeah," I said. Then she noticed the CD's in my hand and said, "Oh, you have things for me to sign," and went about opening the wrappers on them so she could sign the CD covers. One of the covers was being rather stubborn and I think it was Ben who helped open that one. Afterward, she said something about how long my drive was, because I remember giving her a hug and saying, "Some people are worth it." And s00j definitely is one of those people.
She's one of those rare people who greet everyone with an open heart. And that hug she gave me? You know that baggage I carry that I keep talking about? When she hugged me, I felt that baggage slide off my shoulders and down to the floor. For a few hours, I was free of it. And, for the rest of the night, I felt completely comfortable and safe to just be myself with her with no reservations. I can't even begin to describe how good that felt or what that meant and means to me. There are very few people in this lifetime I've ever felt that with. And my first thought, as I tried to sort out the why or how of it, was that this isn't the first lifetime we've known each other.
At any rate, with her caring hug, open heart, sense of humor, and playfulness that night, S.J. Tucker became one of my favorite people and someone I care a lot about.