I pretend that you're still standing by...
So I finally get to do it. I'm going out to Lakeland Saturday to go to Lance's grave. I haven't been able to go back since the funeral...which was almost five years ago. It will be five years September 16th of this year. It doesn't feel like five years... of course it doesn't feel that long at all, except for the longing and grief I feel has felt like an eternity. I'm not sure of the outcome that will arise from this little adventure, however I feel it's something I need to do in order to move on past the denial phase and hopefully someday have may grief assuaged. It will never completely go away, and I don't want it to. It's hard enough now trying to remember certain details about him and us and what not and I never want to forget him. He played a very crucial role in my life and in the development of who I am today. Things might not have always been pleasantries between us, but you can't grow from the things that are right, but in the things that are not so good. I would love nothing more for him to still be around, but that is one thing no amount of money, hoping, wishing, praying, or chanting can grant. I loved him truly and love him still only now it's on a different plane of existence. I only hope that there is some pleasantry after death and that he has found in death what life could not offer. And I hope to someday see him again in another life.
As much as I am I guess you could say looking forward to this it is also the farthest thing from my mind. I feel that if I think about it I may back out. I almost don't want to lose my hope that maybe he's not really did and that it is some cosmically bad joke. My denial and I have become close, almost inseparable. Those nights spent in tears my denial seems to be both friend and enemy, but it's something to hold to. When the denial is gone, then what will I turn to? What will say the things in the back of my mind that I want to hear? What can comfort me with lies I actually want to believe? Even though I know all is not lost, it's hard to convince my emotions of what my brain is so assured of. Hopefully my greatest friend in the entire world will be able to join me, for Lance was also his greatest friend. It may do us both some good to go, especially together. I can only imagine the loneliness that would arise from the vigil on a grave if one where to go it alone.
Eva (by Orgy)
you know i've started to grow since you've been away.
lately it's scarier not knowing,
what's become of you
are you proud of me now? I can't tell
i'm not as fearless as you.
[chorus:]
still i pretend that you're still standing by,
to show me wrong from right,
never got a chance to say good bye.
take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind forever,
and never let this go.
i used to think you were crazy,
when you were hooked to the screen.
but now they tell me that you're in a better place
but where did you go?
and i swear sometimes you're watching over me
still i'd give the world for the chance
just to see your face again.
[chorus]
now, now there's nothing left but time,
know that i'm following you.
eva's always on my mind and it makes me wonder.
what happened to you?
you know it makes me wonder.
[chorus]
and never let this go away.
never let this go.
As much as I am I guess you could say looking forward to this it is also the farthest thing from my mind. I feel that if I think about it I may back out. I almost don't want to lose my hope that maybe he's not really did and that it is some cosmically bad joke. My denial and I have become close, almost inseparable. Those nights spent in tears my denial seems to be both friend and enemy, but it's something to hold to. When the denial is gone, then what will I turn to? What will say the things in the back of my mind that I want to hear? What can comfort me with lies I actually want to believe? Even though I know all is not lost, it's hard to convince my emotions of what my brain is so assured of. Hopefully my greatest friend in the entire world will be able to join me, for Lance was also his greatest friend. It may do us both some good to go, especially together. I can only imagine the loneliness that would arise from the vigil on a grave if one where to go it alone.
Eva (by Orgy)
you know i've started to grow since you've been away.
lately it's scarier not knowing,
what's become of you
are you proud of me now? I can't tell
i'm not as fearless as you.
[chorus:]
still i pretend that you're still standing by,
to show me wrong from right,
never got a chance to say good bye.
take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind forever,
and never let this go.
i used to think you were crazy,
when you were hooked to the screen.
but now they tell me that you're in a better place
but where did you go?
and i swear sometimes you're watching over me
still i'd give the world for the chance
just to see your face again.
[chorus]
now, now there's nothing left but time,
know that i'm following you.
eva's always on my mind and it makes me wonder.
what happened to you?
you know it makes me wonder.
[chorus]
and never let this go away.
never let this go.