I'm sorry but I have to
GRRRRR. I am so mad. I know that I shouldn't have every entry in this diary be a rant. And I honestly do try to write good things here to. But today as with last night I am just so angry. Is it me, do I have bi polar disorder in addition to my many other problems? Am I the one that has suddenly developed Anger Managment issues? I don't know. But lately it seems like I am always angry. And I feel like I can't let it out. I feel like I can't vent to anyone except V. And I don't want to vent to him. He already has a poor opinion of some people in my life based on my constant ranting.
I know that everyone has their own way of doing things and that as long as it works for them, I should be understanding. But in some things I just can't. I have been putting off things that are important to me. Things like burning a few new CD's for my car, getting my computer fixed before it crashes, and buying some much needed things like new bras for me, new shoes for the girls, etc. I am doing this because to me, its more important to do other things, like, oh, EDIT R's fucking book. Or, create the letterhead for the company. Or, get my niece to create the logo. I mean, it has rapidly gotten to the point where if I don't hound, nag, or push, NOTHING gets fucking done. Since when is BMP MY fucking dream? Since when it is my responsibility? I mean, I know that me and the kids are depending on it to work. I know that James is depending on it and that FOUR other author's that have signed contracts with the company are DEPENDING on BMP to provide for them. BUT DAMN IT. We are depending on R. to do what he has said he is going to do and to be whom he has said he wants to be. REPEATEDLY.
Maybe its because I have kids, I don't know. But I learned a long time ago that I have to live up to my responsibilities. I mean, when it was just me, it was ok if my house was messy. Hey, it was my house and I had to live in it. But now, I have kids. Therefore, I can't let the dishes get out of control or the floors become gross, or worse yet, the bathroom. I learned that I could not let my depression stop me from taking care of myself or my kids. And believe me, there are days when that is a HUGE feat. I know from depression. I also learned that I can't afford to get sidetracked on some things. When there is a deadline and something needs to get done, I have to buckle down, ignore my desires to procrastinate or play a game or read a book, and just DO IT. Don't get me wrong, I don't have that one licked. I procrastinate sometimes. Or I read when I should be cleaning or doing laundry or whatnot. I am not perfect. I admit it. But damn, I don't do it for days ... weeks .... I might skip off a day or two. But that's it.
One thing about being me, every single one of my personalities has there own agenda, things that they like to keep track of, or remember. Take Lorna for instance. She remembers every single time her boundaries, her courtesy senses have been pushed or down right IGNORED. And its getting to a boiling point with her. Or Jess, every single time you do something she's asked you repeatedly not to do, she catalogs it. And believe me, when she blows, no one is going to want to be around, least of all the offender. We all have things that bother us, things that we try to ignore until we can't anymore. I am sure that is true with every human, its just that for me, its FIVE sets of things.
I'd like to say that my homelife is the only thing weighing me down right now. I'd like to say that I have peace somewhere else in my life to balance out the lack of it at home, but I can not. Work is just crazy right now. Its like every day we just do what we can and that's all we can do. I knew when I was hired that my back office skills were what got me the job. I knew that I had to be crosstrained so that I could work the back if need arose. Well, that need has definately arose. Without Marie, it seems that the rest of the MA's just aren't enough. It was easier for my boss to replace the front office position (mine) than the back office position (Marie). SO, I've lost my job and gained a new one. Mon and Tues of each week I will work the front with the new girl (C) who starts Monday and Tues thru Fri I will work the back and the new girl (C) and Mirtha will work the front. I don't know if I am going to like this new schedule. While it means Mon and Tues will be short days for me, Wed thru Fri will be much tougher on me physically. A plus to all this is that I get to work with Carina and she is wonderful. Also, I will be MA for Fred and he is just hysterical. I love him. I'm going to be sad when he retires completely.
This weekend I promised the girls they could have a few friends over. So, I am going to have a housefull of 7 year old girls on Saturday afternoon. We are going to watch a movie or two, eat popcorn, and maybe color with sidewalk chalk. I don't know that my mom is crazy about this idea but ... the girls need to blow off some steam. I would like to think that while I am doing this the laundry and cleaning can still get done by the two others that will be here (my neice & R) but I am not holding my breathe. I don't think it would occur to them to work together and help me out. Ouch, does that sound cynical? Gee I am sorry but that's how I feel.
On a positive note, I'd like to document my praise for my neice that she hammered out the logo for BMP in about an hour's time. She really helped out on that without much compensation expected. I'm proud of her. Also, Kaitlyn dug down deep and on her own, without instigation from anyone, cleaned up the downstairs last night of all there crap. It was most helpful and she did it without being told to and without expecting a reward. So, I am going to have to give her a reward because that is the kind of thing I want them to do. I want them to see something that needs getting done, and instead of ignoring it like 1/2 the rest of the household, doing something about it. My mom used to yell all the time that she wasn't going to work all day and then come home and work all night too. She used to yell that other people in the house needed to pitch in. I used to think to myself that I do a lot. Well, in reality I wasn't doing that much. And NOW, I am the one that feels the same way she does. Her and I bust our ASSES all day long for the little money we manage to live on, and then we come home and bust our asses all night long cleaning and washing and ironing and doing homework with the girls, giving baths. Its just enough already. I know the girls are only 7 but sometimes I think they pitch in more than the 13 year old or the 32 year old. And man that pisses me off. Other times I think the girls are going to be pigs too. But then, that's just them being kids.
A month or so ago I bought tickets to a live WWE event that will be here in town. Originally I bought them thinking I would take R and that my neice wouldn't want to go because she hasn't really been into watching it with me anymore for a long time. Now she is sad because she doesn't have a ticket and wants to go too. I feel bad about that. If I could buy her a ticket I would, but I can't. I've lost my enjoyment and enthusiasm for a lot of things lately. This being one of them. I've gotten to a point where I wonder why I am so invested in the things I am. What's really important to me are my kids. They are the ones I need to invest more time in.