(no subject)
I never thought I would ever give up my children. I never thought I could ever let go. But what choice do I have? He'll take me back to court, and he will win. Its only a matter of tme. I've never liked living on borrowed time. Even as I did it, endulged in those fantasies that allow you to believe in hope, this thinner, fainter part of my brain always knew when those hopes were nothing but figments of imagination. It some how spoiled ...
My light was so bright in the earliest hours of the day. I felt wanted again. I felt needed, cared for, a not alone. But that thin, faint little portion of my brain, it knew. And as the day has progressed, all that light has faded. Until once again, I sit in the dark. I've asked myself a million times why it is that the fact that V loves me, wants me, needs me, doesn't end this darkness within? Doesn't end my loneliness. I don't know the answer. All I know is that it doesn't. And I have sat here, a week, knowing my grandmother is going to die. All I have wanted was someone to hold me, support me, care about me. But I won't let him in. Because that someone can't be him. I don't know why, I just know. Just like I knew this was coming ... long before it came.
We are going to take my grandmother off the machines tomorrow. As soon as my Uncle gets here. I don't think that she will last more than 24 hours off of all the tubes and machines that keep her breathing, that function for her kidneys. I just don't think I can see her suffer anymore. I know that my mom wants me to go to the hospital, sit with her, and do all the things I did with my grandfather. But I find myself not strong enough this time. I ran out of that hospital Thursday night. I ran, and just kept running. And what I did after was wrong, very wrong, but, too late to change it and no use having regrets.
I don't know what I am going to do next. There is such a strong need inside me one pulling me in one direction, and the other pulling me in. I can see myself ... what will happen to me if I walk both paths. But I don't know where I am going because neither road leads to happiness. I know I am not making any sense.
H&K deserve the best mother I can be. The best person I can be. So where does that woman lie?
My light was so bright in the earliest hours of the day. I felt wanted again. I felt needed, cared for, a not alone. But that thin, faint little portion of my brain, it knew. And as the day has progressed, all that light has faded. Until once again, I sit in the dark. I've asked myself a million times why it is that the fact that V loves me, wants me, needs me, doesn't end this darkness within? Doesn't end my loneliness. I don't know the answer. All I know is that it doesn't. And I have sat here, a week, knowing my grandmother is going to die. All I have wanted was someone to hold me, support me, care about me. But I won't let him in. Because that someone can't be him. I don't know why, I just know. Just like I knew this was coming ... long before it came.
We are going to take my grandmother off the machines tomorrow. As soon as my Uncle gets here. I don't think that she will last more than 24 hours off of all the tubes and machines that keep her breathing, that function for her kidneys. I just don't think I can see her suffer anymore. I know that my mom wants me to go to the hospital, sit with her, and do all the things I did with my grandfather. But I find myself not strong enough this time. I ran out of that hospital Thursday night. I ran, and just kept running. And what I did after was wrong, very wrong, but, too late to change it and no use having regrets.
I don't know what I am going to do next. There is such a strong need inside me one pulling me in one direction, and the other pulling me in. I can see myself ... what will happen to me if I walk both paths. But I don't know where I am going because neither road leads to happiness. I know I am not making any sense.
H&K deserve the best mother I can be. The best person I can be. So where does that woman lie?