(no subject)
I find myself in a strange frame of mind today. Old thoughts I had hoped I had banished long ago have wondered through my mind today. I know in my head that my children need me. That they are starved for some one on one attention as it has been some time since I have given them any. But I just can't bring myself out of my own revelry for long moments. We start and then stop, start and then stop.
People have asked me how my New Year's was. What I did. And I find myself not being 100% truthful because I just can't seem to unlock my mouth to speak of it. Its not some great and wonderous secret ... its just... well, my mind is on overload. Why can't I fall deeply, and exclusively in love with someone? All of me wanting, needing and desiring that same special someone? I am afraid it will never happen again. It happened once, and I destroyed it because I couldn't handle that it was someone so damned far away ... someone I could love but not hold, someone I could long so completely for, and never touch. It was harder to be in that relationship than it was to be alone because when you are alone, you accept that there is no one, but when you are in a relationship with someone, love someone that much, and can't touch them, it is the most painful thing. To hear their sweet, wonderful voice over the phone but have no one to hold at night. To know you drive them wild, to be driven so wild, but have not a single physical thing to touch, to feel, to never have their arms around you when you need them, only their voice in your ear, telling you how much they wish they could be with you but they just can't. For the distance. It tore me apart. And then to have them, finally, in your arms, FINALLY, for just a brief time, and then to have to put them back on that airplane, and watch them walk away, and leave you behind for some unknown amount of time AGAIN. It broke me. And I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't. I turned to someone else to fill the hole I knew could never be filled by anybody else. Eventhough I knew it couldn't work, wouldn't work, I did it anyways, because I just didn't want the pain anymore, just couldn't take the pain anymore. And in doing so created so much more pain. Vibrations of which I still feel, even two years later. My pain, disbursed onto others, and that is the worst of it. I became my mother, sharing my misery with everyone around me. Including my children. I denied them the only man I ever thought might actually be a really good daddy to them. The best daddy. And now that man is surrounded by darkness, in a cold cold place of pain I have been, somewhere I never wished for him to get a glimpse of. And I can't reach him, can't hold him, or tell him everything will be ok, because that DAMNED distance is still there.
A lyric from a song on my playlist. I doubt anyone out there that has access to this journal will know the artist. But its worth a try. So if you know, leave me a note. It will date you, but hey, we all are getting older. Hopefully wiser with age.
"... you're all I need beside me girl, you're all I need to turn my world, You're all I want inside my heart, You're all I need when we're apart, You're all that I need..."
People have asked me how my New Year's was. What I did. And I find myself not being 100% truthful because I just can't seem to unlock my mouth to speak of it. Its not some great and wonderous secret ... its just... well, my mind is on overload. Why can't I fall deeply, and exclusively in love with someone? All of me wanting, needing and desiring that same special someone? I am afraid it will never happen again. It happened once, and I destroyed it because I couldn't handle that it was someone so damned far away ... someone I could love but not hold, someone I could long so completely for, and never touch. It was harder to be in that relationship than it was to be alone because when you are alone, you accept that there is no one, but when you are in a relationship with someone, love someone that much, and can't touch them, it is the most painful thing. To hear their sweet, wonderful voice over the phone but have no one to hold at night. To know you drive them wild, to be driven so wild, but have not a single physical thing to touch, to feel, to never have their arms around you when you need them, only their voice in your ear, telling you how much they wish they could be with you but they just can't. For the distance. It tore me apart. And then to have them, finally, in your arms, FINALLY, for just a brief time, and then to have to put them back on that airplane, and watch them walk away, and leave you behind for some unknown amount of time AGAIN. It broke me. And I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't. I turned to someone else to fill the hole I knew could never be filled by anybody else. Eventhough I knew it couldn't work, wouldn't work, I did it anyways, because I just didn't want the pain anymore, just couldn't take the pain anymore. And in doing so created so much more pain. Vibrations of which I still feel, even two years later. My pain, disbursed onto others, and that is the worst of it. I became my mother, sharing my misery with everyone around me. Including my children. I denied them the only man I ever thought might actually be a really good daddy to them. The best daddy. And now that man is surrounded by darkness, in a cold cold place of pain I have been, somewhere I never wished for him to get a glimpse of. And I can't reach him, can't hold him, or tell him everything will be ok, because that DAMNED distance is still there.
A lyric from a song on my playlist. I doubt anyone out there that has access to this journal will know the artist. But its worth a try. So if you know, leave me a note. It will date you, but hey, we all are getting older. Hopefully wiser with age.
"... you're all I need beside me girl, you're all I need to turn my world, You're all I want inside my heart, You're all I need when we're apart, You're all that I need..."