The ticking of the clock
I'm not sure how obvious it is to other people, but I have severe anxiety issues. Most of these issues have to do with people, and some of them have to do with time.
Mostly, the issue is not having enough time. This bothers me so much that occasionally it will lock me up completely, and I will be unable to accomplish anything. I've tried a lot of things to combat this particular anxiety. To do lists, calendars, time lines, in and out boxes....And what always happens is I look at whatever list/pile/chart I've made and lock up. Not. Enough. Time.
I realize this is a common complaint in the modern world, and more so for people planning something as big and all consuming as a wedding, but I remember having this same panicky feeling about time when I had nothing to do, AT ALL. The two years I spent unemployed in New York were still underwritten by my two major anxieties. I remember spending an entire week of doing little to nothing except whatever I felt like doing at that moment (which seldom included leaving the apartment) and still feeling like I was pressed for time.
Maybe it's the age issue. The press of time against my life goals of having kids and a family and a house and a big yard with crazy things like alpacas and goats in it. The fact that I'm quickly approaching that threshold, past which pregnancy becomes difficult.
Maybe it's my brain chemistry, predisposed to anxiety already, seizing on something that was so prevalent in NYC, that rush rush rush that everyone exudes there. The pace of life there is so much quicker than here, even when commutes are long and you see friends seldom, you are always busy. Multitasking is a must, watch the news while you work out, knit while you're on the train. Maybe I'm just having a hard time shaking that habit.
Maybe it's all the things I want to do, and my inability to tell myself "You can get to it later." The fact that I want to do this thing now. Be it knitting or making stitch markers, or baking bread. I have so many hobbies, each one that I want to do, and want to do all the time.
Meh. I've thought about this enough for one day.