No Subject Needed
You know you need to just start writing when you've been trying to think of a title for the post for more than a minute. This is going to be a long, rambling, back and forth kind of post. My thoughts aren't straight lines today.
I've got a lot of things bouncing around inside my head again. Things about people being only human. About what that means, as far as peoples intentions and emotions.
Regarding the Dojo:
One of the things that I've failed to be able to explain to a lot of people is just what the Dojo means to me. Yes, it's obvious to everyone it's important to me, I mean just mention it and see how long I talk. The hard part about the explanation I guess is in the why.
Why is it so important to me? Why do people I see for an hour a day mean so much to me? Why does it occupy so much of my head space?
The Dojo is my space. It is where I am me more than anywhere else. Where I can push myself and where, oddly, I'm really good at something. The people there know and accept me for who I am, without asking for explanation. When I disappear for years at a time, I am welcomed back with hugs and some deserved ribbing. But I don't have to explain myself. The Dojo is a place where everything is learn-able, teachable. It is safe and, for a long time, it was the only thing keeping me from falling completely apart. Even now that I've learned to work through everything in my head without the necessity of having the living shit beat out of me in the process, the Dojo is the one place where I am able, without trying, to turn off my head. When we kneel down in seisa before class, everything out side of class is swept from the floor. I am able to mentally clear the space, to leave it all outside for as long as I am there. I've had arguments with James about how accurate this is to reality, but I swear, while I am there, I can focus on only karate.
All of this has led me to a fierce loyalty to Sensei. I have known him now for most of my life. He is one of the constants in a life where not much has been constant. I may have other teachers, but he is Sensei. The hard part has been learning that he is Human. That he too can have blind spots when it comes to his students. We are his family, and that means he wants to believe the best of us, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.
Ok, enough about the Dojo.
Life is, right now, good. Aside from the stress of raising and taming an overly energetic pit-bull mix giant of a dog, and having a fiance on crutches. I have a good job, doing something I enjoy, where the major stress is that I always feel like I'm not doing enough work.
The wedding planning is moving along, although I occasionally panic about not having enough time to get it all done.
My major stress in life is my inability to schedule. There simply is not enough time for me. Every commitment results in me having to not commit to something else. It's a constant struggle for me to make sure I fit in dojo time.
The other constant commitment is the Dog. He needs so much attention. We just bought an outdoor kennel that will help a lot, but he's so needy right now, and so high energy. Once the wedding is payed for, we need to get him into doggie day care, just so he can socialize with other dogs more. He loves playing with other dogs so much, but because he's so big (around 80 lbs) and a pit mix, owners are afraid of him. He's only about a year old, so I have high hopes that with age will come calmness, but in the meantime we try to walk him as much as possible, which right now, is only me walking him, so no not that much.
James is still in a leg brace, but the MRI showed that the damage to his knee wasn't that bad, only a partial tear of one tendon and some bone bruises. The Doc said it should heal on it's own with a little PT, so no surgery needed. Moving forward he's going to have to wear a knee brace at Aiki, and do a lot of work to strengthen his knees up so his knee cap doesn't slip again. I
n the meantime, he's frustrated by his inability to walk, and I'm trying to be patient with him. I know how devastating a knee injury can be. At the same time, being the only one who can walk the dog is a little stressful. Yeah I know, selfish of me with my (mostly) working knees and all.
There are more things bouncing around in my head, things about where I am, and where I'm going. I think I need to resurrect my habit of daily journal entries, just to start clearing space again. Maybe I'll take up a paper journal again just to have the ability to put pen to paper anywhere.
Oooh, totally an excuse to buy an ipad...totally...