Well, shit

[ravensinger]

Okay, y'all. I need to dump for a bit. What I'm going to start with, however, is an apology. I'm sooo sorry. To all of you in Texas to whom I don't speak, please forgive me. I know what you may think. I'm not lazy, or too caught up in other distractions to get in touch. It seems like it, but I'm not. I have been miserable since I left you, but too... I dunno, proud, I guess, to say anything. I miss you all so much. I've been in a bad mood for like six months now. I don't like to need. It embarasses me. I shouldn't _need_ anything. I should be self-sufficient. I'd like to pretend that introverted and geeky is all I need, but it's a damned lie. I need you. I don't mean like I need a cigarette, or a new PS2 game. I mean I need you like fucking AIR. My reasons for leaving were always insufficient: scared, uncertain, running from my problems. I'm not stable, people! I was always running back to familiarity, but away from the things I needed. I was talking to Sarah tonight (my first conversation online anew) and she sort of loosened my misery plug, so it's kind of leaking now. (Thanks Sarah! *wave*) The last time, when J kicked me out, it sorta knocked the joy out of me for awhile. The world was gray. (Or was it grey?) But I was so caught up in my pain, that I didn't notice until later, that you were all trying to color it again for me.

I don't know if I'll ever be happy the way I was happy with all of you. Angela, Amber, Chris, Iro, Kat, Sarah (listed alphabetically to prevent rancor =^_^=) you have all changed me in positive ways. I love you. All. Conditionally, and unconditionally. Even air-conditionally. Naked and clothed. With sex and without. I just wanted you to know. I need to visit. I also need to stop crying and go to bed. Goodnight. *wavewave*