Fic: Why should I trust you? 21/?
Title: Why should I trust you? 21/?
Author: ravensilverwing
Rating: PG-13
Genre and/or Pairing: Pre-slash Sam/Gabriel and Dean/Cas
Spoilers: Up to and including 5x08
Warnings: Swearing.
Word Count: 4,548
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Cas decides it's time to have a conversation with Dean about everything that's been happening.
Notes: Follows on from Part Twenty
Longest part yet, who'd have thought Cas would be such a chatty little fellow.
Cas is surprised to see Dean leave the room as soon as Sam is asleep. He thought he’d stay but he isn’t. Gabriel is still sitting beside Sam on the bed, watching, waiting another moment, his face resigned but Dean can’t see it, can only see his back before he turns, a quick glance his way before he retreats to his own room.
The fact he’s still in pain is obvious. He’s limping, softly cursing as he makes his way across the bathroom tiles. Pain, guilt, it’s telegraphed in every movement. Telegraphed in a way he can clearly read. Which brings him relief. He has no words for how relieved he is. To see Dean again. Be able to read him like he could before.
He can still feel the warmth of Gabriel’s grace. A constant reminder of home. Of Heaven. Of what he’s lost and yet doesn’t regret losing. Doesn’t regret losing any of it. Dean is still the righteous man. He can see that now. Has faith in it again. He may not fully understand why Dean hurt him, hit him, other than he stood between him and his brother, but what he can see is far more important.
Righteous, determined, he won’t stop fighting til the end. Whatever that end may be. He knows that Sam will always come first with Dean. Always. Dean just doesn’t understand that he was trying to protect him. He knew what Gabriel was capable of, and now so does Dean.
Gabriel, his brother. A quick glance in his direction and he’s still sitting on the edge of Sam’s bed. Sam is still physically weak, weaker than Castiel has ever seen him. Weaker than is safe for him to be. They cannot stay here, no matter what Gabriel has done to keep them hidden. Dean has been in and out of this room and that is enough. They’ve all learned that the hard way. Demons are looking for them, the Host of Heaven is looking for them. It’s not safe, but neither Winchester is well enough to drive.
Dean will protest, he’s sure, but he’s not strong enough to do what needs to be done. Gabriel’s grace has given him some grace back, enough so that carving the sigil didn’t leave him weak, he feels tired but not overwhelmed and he can feel that Gabriel has already done something to replace what he little he did use. Despite all that, he knows he’s not strong enough to move both Winchesters, everything they own and the Impala.
Dean’s precious car. He knows what it means to him. Knows that it’s not just an object, a place to keep all of their hunting things, it’s also his Home. And he’s come to understand what it means to have a home and lose it. He doesn’t want to do that to Dean. Which is why he made Gabriel go back and bring the car here the last time they had to move.
Last time. Watching Sam sleep. Dean made a mistake. He isn’t perfect, he’s flawed. But he hasn’t started to twist or turn like he feared.
Dean looks almost lost sitting on the edge of his bed, shoulders hunched, hands dangling between his knees, staring at the carpeted floor. As silent as he knows he is, Dean still looks up the moment he comes through the door.
“Hey.”
Only one word as he watches him closely. Eyes wary, waiting. He can feel himself frowning, brows pulling in tight. Why would Dean be wary of him? What does he think he’s going to do, what is he waiting for?
Silence.
“So uh...how’s the search going?” Dean asks quietly, keeping his voice low. He doesn’t want to risk waking Sam.
Which makes him pause. He hasn’t found anything since the dagger, nothing since Guatemala. No glimmer of heat, nothing.
“I will continue to search.”
Dean just nods, tense and getting tenser as he moves closer and carefully sits beside him on the bed. Pulling the trench coat around him. He can feel every muscle in Dean’s body waiting, but waiting for what? There’s enough space between them to satisfy Dean’s need for personal space. He’s come to respect that. It’s a need Dean has, one he suspects comes from a desire to have enough room to manoeuvre should he need to fight. And a thought occurs to him.
“Do you think I’m going to hurt you?” Blinking at him in shock.
“I dunno man, last few times...” Swallowing hard as he stares into his eyes. Hazel wary, so careful. “I dunno, are you?”
Which makes him stare at Dean in confusion, taken back. Dean thinks he’s going to hurt him? Why would he think he’s going to hurt him?
“No.” And he’s surprised that Dean’s even asking. He’s never hurt Dean. Threaten to, so long ago now, he threatened to send him back to Hell but, he hopes Dean doesn’t hold that against him. Not after all this time. It was his orders, he was so new to this, so new to Earth. So new to everything but his orders and blindly following everything he was told. He wishes he had questioned his orders but it’s far too late now.
“No? Just no. You’re not still angry?” Looking away and out the window, then down at his hands. “I mean, I get it, I fucked up. Not like I don’t...”
“You made a mistake.”
“Right.” Standing and pacing a few steps before wincing and dropping back down on the bed.
“You should give yourself time to heal Dean.” He needs to heal, needs to rest. His eyes so weary, almost resigned to every horrible thing destiny is throwing at him. Which makes everything inside him squeeze tight. Dean needs to rest so he can fight, he has to convince him, he has to come up with a plan. He needs to help Dean, help him continue to fight.
His statement gets him a confused, almost bewildered look.
“Not that I’m complaining, but I got the feeling you didn’t give a damn.”
“I care.” Catching his eyes and holding them. Hazel eyes staring back into blue. “You made a mistake.”
“I seem to have made a few of them lately.” Looking away briefly, self loathing clear in his voice. A long pause before he looks back, meets his stare. “I know you must be sick of me saying it but I’m sorry I hit you Cas. It was a dick thing to do.”
“You were worried about Sam. I shouldn’t have gotten in the way.” He won’t deny that it hurt. Glancing away, then back again to watch Dean’s eyes stare into his.
“You were trying to help.” Dean finally acknowledges.
It’s a relief to see that Dean finally understands that too. He didn’t want to see Dean hurt, doesn’t like seeing Dean hurt.
“I was concerned.” Nodding slightly. “Gabriel doesn’t like you.”
“I get that. Boy do I get that.”Eyes glancing skyward, to the floor, then back to his again. “And I mean it, I’m sorry. I dunno what else to say.” Hands palm up, fingers spreading wide.
“I forgive you.” It’s the truth. He does forgive Dean. Believes that Dean regrets his actions and wishes he hadn’t hurt him. Dean doesn’t think, he reacts. It’s part of who he is and he accepts that.
Which leaves Dean blinking at him in shock.
“Just like that?”
Silence again.
“Cause I gotta say, you haven’t exactly seemed very forgiving til now.”
He can’t keep staring at Dean, has to look around the room. Settle his eyes on the carpet, wondering briefly why Dean finds it so fascinating. Dean is right and he’s ashamed to admit it. He hasn’t been very forgiving and Dean deserves some explanation.
“I lost sight of you.” Quietly explaining.
“I don’t know what that means.” And it’s obvious that Dean doesn’t, but equally obvious that he wants to, wants to understand why, understand what went wrong. What he did wrong, above and beyond hitting him. But he can’t explain without fully explaining. And he doesn’t want to do that.
“I couldn’t see you.” Is the only explanation he can offer.
“You mean the sigils?” Dean’s trying to follow but Cas isn’t making any sense.
“No.” And he refuses to elaborate.
“Okay.” Pausing, frowning. “But you can see me now, right?”
“Yes.” And he can never explain how much of a relief that is.
“And you forgive me?” Eyes a little wide, disbelief waring with hope.
“Yes.” Simple truth as he stares into Dean’s eyes, tries to make Dean believe him.
“Why?” And it’s a mixture of disbelief that he would be forgiven and not believing he deserves it.
“Because I understand now.” Is the only answer he can offer.
Dean shakes his head.
“This conversation is making my head hurt.” Looking away and rubbing a hand across his cheek.
“I’m sorry.” Watching Dean in pain and confused...hurts.
“No, no, don’t...you don’t want to explain, that’s fine.” Catching his eyes again. “I can live with that.” Accepting too easily, wanting to make things right between them.
“I don’t...” Looking around again, absently biting his lip, before settling his gaze on Dean.
He doesn’t want to burden Dean with what is happening. Dean has enough of a burden to carry without the guilt of his decision to rebel. The consequences of it. He can only hope Sam keeps the information to himself. He saw Sam putting the pieces together earlier, knows he may have understood. He’ll have to talk to him later. Ask him not to tell Dean. Unless it would make things worse between the two brothers. He won’t ask Sam to make things worse. Things are bad enough as it is.
“I think it’s better if I don’t explain.” Softly offering.
“Cas, it’s fine. Okay. I get it.” Voice tinged with impatience.
But he’s pretty sure Dean doesn’t get it at all. In the end all he can do is nod and watch as Dean shifts restless on the edge of the bed, wincing in pain. He shouldn’t have walked up and down the stairs to do their laundry. It needed to be done and he understands that, understands that Dean just wanted to get out of the room. Get away from his brother and Gabriel. Even if Gabriel has stopped glaring at him every time he enters the other room. It may have been necessary but he’s almost certain that people saw him. Many people, and one of them may send their location back to a demon or an angel.
“You need to get away from here, you can’t stay.” Catching Dean’s gaze and holding it. “The longer you stay the more likely the demons or Heaven will find you.”
“Preaching to the choir buddy.” Snarking back at him. “But Sammy too sick to move right now.” Head bowing to stare at the floor.
“And you’re still in pain.”
“I’m fine.” Brushing off his concern.
“You can’t drive.” Countering.
“What do you want me to do Cas?” Getting annoyed now and glaring. “Fine. I can’t drive. Sam’s too weak to move and we’re sitting ducks if we stay here much longer.”
“Let Gabriel take you to Bobby’s.” Finally suggesting, Dean’s not going to like it but it’s the only plan he has to offer.
“Are you nuts?!” Eyes widening in shock laced with anger.
Watching as he resists the impulse to stand, move away, pace.
“I don’t want that son...” Stopping abruptly and looking away, tongue darting out to lick his bottom lip. “He’s helping, I’m not denying that but I don’t want him anywhere near Bobby.”
“Gabriel will not harm him.” Trying to reassure.
“You trust him that much?” And there’s only a hint of disbelief, he’s trying to make it a genuine question. To sound like he really wants to know, to understand.
“Yes.” He trusts his brother not to hurt Bobby and Sam.
“What happened between the two of you?” Voice quiet, serious.
Breaking the stare, he looks away. Glancing around the room, he can’t meet Dean’s gaze. Doesn’t want to explain, doesn’t want Dean to know. Even if he explained he was losing his grace he wouldn’t want to explain how Gabriel had touched him, hugged him. How he’d cried as the warmth had melted the ice he’d been feeling. How good it’d felt, to suddenly not be alone. How different from the sharing he was accustomed to in Heaven, being connected to other angels. Sharing with his brother had felt so familiar and yet so different. Pure, undiluted, perfection; love, companionship.
“First Guatemala and then the other night.” Dean continues softly, no accusation.
“He is helping me.” Forcing himself not to look away.
A pause as Dean waits for more.
“That’s it? He’s helping you?” Voice flat and low.
He doesn’t want to lie to Dean, doesn’t like keeping information from him but it’s for his own good.
“Yes.”
“This have anything to do with that thing you’re not explaining?” Dean presses carefully, voice still low but almost gentle now.
A quick glance to meet his eyes before they drop to Dean’s lap, one hand is balled into a fist. He doubts he even knows he’s doing it but he can’t help being wary. Can’t stop growing tense and swallowing, waiting for the blow.
“Yes.” Unsure if he should say it.
Silence. When he glances up he notices Dean has glanced down, noticed the fist he’s made in his lap. When his eyes fly up to meet Cas’ they’re full of dismay, quickly followed by guilt. Self loathing.
“I won’t, Cas I...” Releasing the fist and wiping his palms on his thighs. He can’t meet his eyes anymore. “So ah...you and Gabe...you trust him?” Glancing his way, looking at him from the corner of his eye, he can’t seem to meet his gaze for more than a moment.
“Not completely, no. But I trust him not to hurt Bobby or Sam.”
“I notice you don’t include me on that list.” Briefly looking away, half smile twisting his lips, rueful.
“He doesn’t like you.” Watching Dean closely. Waiting to see if he’s still angry.
Short huff of laughter.
“I noticed.”
“I won’t let him hurt you Dean, not again, not after what he...” Earnest and sincere. He won’t, what Gabriel did to Dean. Gabriel was angry, they both were but Gabriel could have killed Dean and...words suddenly evade him. He can’t, doesn’t want to image what would happen without Dean.
Dean stops and looks up. Mildly shocked.
“He’s your brother.” Pointing out gently.
“You would do the same for me.” Sitting up straighter. Completely sure of it.
“Yeah but...” Trailing off when he can’t seem to explain the obvious.
“Exactly.” He can’t help but point out. Dean would stop Sam from hurting him.
“You’re losing me here.” Dean’s frowning, lips twisting in confusion.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is I won’t let Gabriel hurt you. And if you’ll let me, I’ll ask him to take you and Sam to Bobby’s.”
“I don’t like it.” But he can sense that Dean is at breaking point, that he needs this. Needs to rest. To recuperate. To heal in more ways than one.
“It’s the only place you’ll be safe for long enough to heal.” He presses carefully. He won’t force him, doesn’t want to push but he wants him safe, wants Sam safe too.
“I didn’t say it was a bad plan, I just said I didn’t like it.” Sighing. “Let me call Bobby and...”
The sudden cry from the other room cuts him off.
No. This can’t be happening. Gabriel...his grace...Sam cries out again. In pain this time. The last sounded more like surprise. His...suddenly still...Gabriel’s grace, he’s stopped falling. He isn’t falling. He can, he thought he could... He has to be able to do this. It’s so simple but important. They have to keep Sam safe, away from Lucifer, ensure that he keeps saying no.
Dean is already off the bed, sparing him a quick glance before tentatively touching his shoulder and limping out of the room.
All he can do is follow.
Gabriel’s back on the bed, or maybe he never left, he isn’t sure but the archangel has one hand on Sam’s shoulder, the other on his cheek as he shakes him. The pain sounds stop as Sam gasps awake. Eyes suddenly wide, pupils dilated. Staring right up into Gabriel’s hovering face.
“Sammy?” Dean’s stopped half way across the room and isn’t moving any closer. He won’t risk getting closer to his brother with Gabriel there. Which is when the realisation dawns that Gabriel isn’t helping, is making things worse for them. Doubt creeps in, is this his plan? To separate the two Winchesters? “Sam, you okay?”
Sam’s blinking up at Gabriel when he makes it over to Dean. So many doubts. Has Gabriel lied to him, tricked him? He knows just how long he spent as the Trickster. He should have been able to do this. Should have been able to protect Sam. Something so simple and yet he’s failed again. Failed at such as simple thing. Has he already fallen so far? Too far for Gabriel’s grace to help him. Too far to be useful anymore?
Gabriel removes his hand from Sam’s cheek frowning, puzzled. Hand still resting on his shoulder, almost forgotten.
“I’m fine.” Sam’s panting, brow covered in sweat. “I’m fine, it wasn’t Lucifer.”
Which makes everyone but Gabriel stop. Is it possible? It makes no sense. Lucifer is hurting Sam, giving him nightmares when he walks away, refuses to listen. It has to be Lucifer, who else would it be? Heaven? The Enochian sigils on his ribs should protect him, but if Lucifer can get through, find a way around them, then some other angel might as well. Raphael? Zachariah?
He watches as Sam sits up carefully, eyes seeking him out, then Dean. Gabriel doesn’t even try to help, just moves back and lets Dean see his brother. A movement he files away to consider later. Why wouldn’t Gabriel just help Sam? Why didn’t he continue to block Dean’s view? Too many things to rethink later. Later, after he’s let Gabriel redo the blood sigil, because it’s obvious he’s fallen too far. Dull ache settling inside his chest. He failed Sam. Failed Dean. Has left them with no other options.
“It’s alright Cas, it worked.” He’s suddenly reassuring him. Gaze locking with his. Trying to explain without informing Dean. He has a moment of affection for him. He didn’t fail? Hasn’t fallen too far? “It wasn’t Lucifer, it was just a nightmare.”
Relief. Relief tinged with confusion crashes in. He didn’t fail? It worked? He can...he’s not. He hasn’t fallen too far? Relief, nodding shortly and simply staring. He did it. He...he kept Sam safe. They don’t have to rely on Gabriel. If it turns out he’s lying, if he has some other agenda. He can keep Sam safe, hide him away from Lucifer. He may not be a full angel anymore but he can at least do this to help.
“Sure sounded like Lucifer was there.” Dean can’t help but interrupt. “Sounded like all the other nightmares you’ve been having.”
Which is when Sam’s eyes drop, fall away and he stops being able to meet anyone’s gaze.
“Sam?” Gabriel prompts quietly.
“He said...” Trailing off, biting his lip. Looking up, meeting Gabriel’s eyes briefly before looking down and away again. “He said the nightmares are me. That I’m torturing myself.”
“What?” Dean’s suddenly demanding, stepping closer despite Gabriel.
He can’t blame Dean for his sudden outburst. But despite the fact it’s only one word, there’s a whole world of accusation in it. Accusation which Sam doesn’t need. If Lucifer is telling the truth, if he’s not lying, then Sam needs more help than he can offer, he needs Dean.
“When did this happen? And why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Barely controlling his temper. Dean doesn’t trust his brother, he can see that now. So much is wrong between them. So much that needs to be fixed.
“I haven’t exactly had the time Dean.” And Sam’s not backing away from the brewing fight.
“What did Lucifer tell you?” He cuts in, tries to head it off, doesn’t want to see them fighting. They’ve both made mistakes and he doesn’t want to see them tear each other apart. Dean needs Sam just as much as Sam needs his older brother.
Dean’s glaring at him in frustration but he can deal with that later. Knows that Dean will listen to him later, later when he’s calmed down. A quick glance at Gabriel. Calmed down and far away from the other angel. His presence puts Dean on edge.
“When I was trapped...” An eye flick to his brother then eyes fixed back on his. “He said I was torturing myself. That...” Looking away again, eyes fixed on the floor. “That I thought I deserved to be punished.”
In the sudden silence Dean rocks back, almost swaying and he slides an arm around his waist without thought, takes the weight off his bruised and healing hips. He’s worried when Dean doesn’t even protest. Just lets him shift closer and hold him up, take more of his weight. Shock he understands but he doesn’t understand why Dean is so upset. Sam blames himself for what has happened, everything to do with the apocalypse. He’s taken full responsibility, it’s no surprise it’s gone further, into his dreams.
Gabriel’s the first to speak, he doesn’t even glare at Dean before opening his mouth for once.
“Kid listen to me, you made a mistake.” Keeping his voice soft, softer than he’s ever heard it. “No one’s going to say any different.”
Sam’s eyes still haven’t risen, gaze fixed on his fingers laying on top of the blanket.
“But you can’t keep beating yourself up about it.” Moving closer and actually sitting on the end of the bed. He watches him closely, wary, but is surprised that Dean isn’t protesting and neither is Sam.
“I...” Sam protests. Eyes finally rising to meet Gabriel’s.
“Started the apocalypse? I know. Not saying you didn’t.” Voice even, without accusation.
“So what? I just forget...?” Eyebrows rising, lines forming across his forehead in despair.
“Sam.” Dean’s finally found his voice. “Don’t give up man, that’s what he wants you to do. I’m a jerk and I don’t say it often enough but it’s not your fault.” Making sure he has Sam’s attention, his eyes flicking Dean’s way before continuing. “Neither of us thought killing Lilith was a bad idea. Ruby manipulated the hell out of you, she got you addicted to demon blood and you weren’t thinking straight, just like any addict.” Pausing but Sam barely looks up. “All I’m saying is, I know what it’s like to torture yourself. Don’t do it man, it’s not worth it.”
“I feel like we’re having an intervention.” Sam almost smiles through a huff of mirthless laughter.
“Yeah well, maybe you need one.” Dean offers.
Watery hazel eyes finally look up.
“Lucifer will use it as a path to get to you.” He finally adds. Sam can barely meet his eyes. Just a flicker of hazel and they’re gone. “The weaker you are the easier it will be for him to use you.”
“Ah, probably not the best inspirational speech Cas.” Twisted half smile then anther flicker of hazel. “But thanks.”
“So why didn’t you have nightmares before now?” Dean finally changes the subject.
“Gabriel was...” Looking up and across the room towards them, eyes finally taking in his arm wrapped around Dean, holding him up. He looks surprised, face falling into confusion but he shakes his head slightly and says nothing. Despite the confusion he can see the flash of something else behind his expression.
“I didn’t do anything.” Gabriel’s voice is quiet, aimed directly at Sam.
“What, no, you...” Protesting. “I’ve slept fine the whole time you’ve been here.”
Gabriel’s spreads his hands.
“Didn’t do a thing.” Radiating quiet sincerity and for once it’s believable.
“But I thought...” Confusion written all over his face as his fringe falls across his eyes and his fingers push it back.
“Why? What have you been dreaming about?” Suddenly smirking innuendo, which makes Sam start to blush.
“Nothing.” Looking away again.
“Reeeeally.” Gabriel elongates the word. “Cause your blush is starting to give it away.” Eyebrows dancing. “Was I good?”
“Gabriel, god, no.” Glaring at him, brows bunching tightly together. Head pulling back slightly. “I’m serious. I was dreaming about nothing. Just normal stuff. Nothing remarkable.”
“You wound me.” Mocking amusement.
“Shut up.” Rolling his eyes at the Archangel.
“So why tonight?” Dean cuts in before they can continue that seriously disturbed line of conversation.
Still silence from the angels. Sam swallows and looks away. Nobody wants to say it, explain it to Dean.
“Did I miss something?” Eyes narrowing in suspicion.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Gabriel snipes.
“What the hell is your problem now?” Disbelief and irritation colouring his voice.
“Guys, cut it out.” Sam heads off the argument. Meeting Dean’s annoyed look. “They think it was seeing the blood.”
Which shuts Dean up faster than anything else. Leaning more weight against Cas.
“Was it?” Voice carefully neutral.
“I...honestly? I don’t think so.” Head shaking.
“What was the last thing you thought of before you fell asleep?” Dean prods.
Which makes Sam’s eyes swing around to Cas before quickly jerking away. And that makes Dean frown, turn his head and come face to face with startling blue eyes.
He can still feel the heat of Cas’ body up and down his side but he’d almost forgotten he was holding him up, keeping the pressure off his hips. It should probably be uncomfortable but it isn’t, he figures Cas is always pretty close, invading his personal space, so now that he’s taken it one step further, it’s almost normal. Except it really, really isn’t. But his hips have stopped screaming pain at him, so he can’t complain and he’s definitely not moving away.
Something else occurs to him.
“You didn’t think Cas could do the sigil, because last time he couldn’t make it work?” Looking over in time to see Sam considering the thought.
“Maybe.” Nodding. Eyes glancing across. “I’m sorry Cas, I just...”
“But you assumed Gabriel was protecting your sleep so you just, didn’t have any nightmares?” Dean cuts in.
“I guess.” Shrugging. “It makes sense.”
“Dude it makes no sense. You trust him,” Free hand waving at Gabriel. “More than you do Cas? That makes absolutely no sense.”
“I...He saved my life Dean.” Trying to explain.
“So what? You trust him more than Cas now?”
“No! I’m not saying that.” Sam protests.
“You’re just thinking it.” Voice an open accusation.
“Dean, stop being a jerk. You know I trust Cas.”
“Apparently you trust me more.” Gabriel can’t help but interject.
“Shut up!” Comes from two sides.
Which leaves Dean incredibly pleased, even as Gabriel smirks at them. He and Sam are on the same side again. Even if it’s only for something as petty as sniping at the archangel. Considering the last twist of conversation, that’s a huge fucking relief.
***
Author: ravensilverwing
Rating: PG-13
Genre and/or Pairing: Pre-slash Sam/Gabriel and Dean/Cas
Spoilers: Up to and including 5x08
Warnings: Swearing.
Word Count: 4,548
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Cas decides it's time to have a conversation with Dean about everything that's been happening.
Notes: Follows on from Part Twenty
Longest part yet, who'd have thought Cas would be such a chatty little fellow.
Cas is surprised to see Dean leave the room as soon as Sam is asleep. He thought he’d stay but he isn’t. Gabriel is still sitting beside Sam on the bed, watching, waiting another moment, his face resigned but Dean can’t see it, can only see his back before he turns, a quick glance his way before he retreats to his own room.
The fact he’s still in pain is obvious. He’s limping, softly cursing as he makes his way across the bathroom tiles. Pain, guilt, it’s telegraphed in every movement. Telegraphed in a way he can clearly read. Which brings him relief. He has no words for how relieved he is. To see Dean again. Be able to read him like he could before.
He can still feel the warmth of Gabriel’s grace. A constant reminder of home. Of Heaven. Of what he’s lost and yet doesn’t regret losing. Doesn’t regret losing any of it. Dean is still the righteous man. He can see that now. Has faith in it again. He may not fully understand why Dean hurt him, hit him, other than he stood between him and his brother, but what he can see is far more important.
Righteous, determined, he won’t stop fighting til the end. Whatever that end may be. He knows that Sam will always come first with Dean. Always. Dean just doesn’t understand that he was trying to protect him. He knew what Gabriel was capable of, and now so does Dean.
Gabriel, his brother. A quick glance in his direction and he’s still sitting on the edge of Sam’s bed. Sam is still physically weak, weaker than Castiel has ever seen him. Weaker than is safe for him to be. They cannot stay here, no matter what Gabriel has done to keep them hidden. Dean has been in and out of this room and that is enough. They’ve all learned that the hard way. Demons are looking for them, the Host of Heaven is looking for them. It’s not safe, but neither Winchester is well enough to drive.
Dean will protest, he’s sure, but he’s not strong enough to do what needs to be done. Gabriel’s grace has given him some grace back, enough so that carving the sigil didn’t leave him weak, he feels tired but not overwhelmed and he can feel that Gabriel has already done something to replace what he little he did use. Despite all that, he knows he’s not strong enough to move both Winchesters, everything they own and the Impala.
Dean’s precious car. He knows what it means to him. Knows that it’s not just an object, a place to keep all of their hunting things, it’s also his Home. And he’s come to understand what it means to have a home and lose it. He doesn’t want to do that to Dean. Which is why he made Gabriel go back and bring the car here the last time they had to move.
Last time. Watching Sam sleep. Dean made a mistake. He isn’t perfect, he’s flawed. But he hasn’t started to twist or turn like he feared.
Dean looks almost lost sitting on the edge of his bed, shoulders hunched, hands dangling between his knees, staring at the carpeted floor. As silent as he knows he is, Dean still looks up the moment he comes through the door.
“Hey.”
Only one word as he watches him closely. Eyes wary, waiting. He can feel himself frowning, brows pulling in tight. Why would Dean be wary of him? What does he think he’s going to do, what is he waiting for?
Silence.
“So uh...how’s the search going?” Dean asks quietly, keeping his voice low. He doesn’t want to risk waking Sam.
Which makes him pause. He hasn’t found anything since the dagger, nothing since Guatemala. No glimmer of heat, nothing.
“I will continue to search.”
Dean just nods, tense and getting tenser as he moves closer and carefully sits beside him on the bed. Pulling the trench coat around him. He can feel every muscle in Dean’s body waiting, but waiting for what? There’s enough space between them to satisfy Dean’s need for personal space. He’s come to respect that. It’s a need Dean has, one he suspects comes from a desire to have enough room to manoeuvre should he need to fight. And a thought occurs to him.
“Do you think I’m going to hurt you?” Blinking at him in shock.
“I dunno man, last few times...” Swallowing hard as he stares into his eyes. Hazel wary, so careful. “I dunno, are you?”
Which makes him stare at Dean in confusion, taken back. Dean thinks he’s going to hurt him? Why would he think he’s going to hurt him?
“No.” And he’s surprised that Dean’s even asking. He’s never hurt Dean. Threaten to, so long ago now, he threatened to send him back to Hell but, he hopes Dean doesn’t hold that against him. Not after all this time. It was his orders, he was so new to this, so new to Earth. So new to everything but his orders and blindly following everything he was told. He wishes he had questioned his orders but it’s far too late now.
“No? Just no. You’re not still angry?” Looking away and out the window, then down at his hands. “I mean, I get it, I fucked up. Not like I don’t...”
“You made a mistake.”
“Right.” Standing and pacing a few steps before wincing and dropping back down on the bed.
“You should give yourself time to heal Dean.” He needs to heal, needs to rest. His eyes so weary, almost resigned to every horrible thing destiny is throwing at him. Which makes everything inside him squeeze tight. Dean needs to rest so he can fight, he has to convince him, he has to come up with a plan. He needs to help Dean, help him continue to fight.
His statement gets him a confused, almost bewildered look.
“Not that I’m complaining, but I got the feeling you didn’t give a damn.”
“I care.” Catching his eyes and holding them. Hazel eyes staring back into blue. “You made a mistake.”
“I seem to have made a few of them lately.” Looking away briefly, self loathing clear in his voice. A long pause before he looks back, meets his stare. “I know you must be sick of me saying it but I’m sorry I hit you Cas. It was a dick thing to do.”
“You were worried about Sam. I shouldn’t have gotten in the way.” He won’t deny that it hurt. Glancing away, then back again to watch Dean’s eyes stare into his.
“You were trying to help.” Dean finally acknowledges.
It’s a relief to see that Dean finally understands that too. He didn’t want to see Dean hurt, doesn’t like seeing Dean hurt.
“I was concerned.” Nodding slightly. “Gabriel doesn’t like you.”
“I get that. Boy do I get that.”Eyes glancing skyward, to the floor, then back to his again. “And I mean it, I’m sorry. I dunno what else to say.” Hands palm up, fingers spreading wide.
“I forgive you.” It’s the truth. He does forgive Dean. Believes that Dean regrets his actions and wishes he hadn’t hurt him. Dean doesn’t think, he reacts. It’s part of who he is and he accepts that.
Which leaves Dean blinking at him in shock.
“Just like that?”
Silence again.
“Cause I gotta say, you haven’t exactly seemed very forgiving til now.”
He can’t keep staring at Dean, has to look around the room. Settle his eyes on the carpet, wondering briefly why Dean finds it so fascinating. Dean is right and he’s ashamed to admit it. He hasn’t been very forgiving and Dean deserves some explanation.
“I lost sight of you.” Quietly explaining.
“I don’t know what that means.” And it’s obvious that Dean doesn’t, but equally obvious that he wants to, wants to understand why, understand what went wrong. What he did wrong, above and beyond hitting him. But he can’t explain without fully explaining. And he doesn’t want to do that.
“I couldn’t see you.” Is the only explanation he can offer.
“You mean the sigils?” Dean’s trying to follow but Cas isn’t making any sense.
“No.” And he refuses to elaborate.
“Okay.” Pausing, frowning. “But you can see me now, right?”
“Yes.” And he can never explain how much of a relief that is.
“And you forgive me?” Eyes a little wide, disbelief waring with hope.
“Yes.” Simple truth as he stares into Dean’s eyes, tries to make Dean believe him.
“Why?” And it’s a mixture of disbelief that he would be forgiven and not believing he deserves it.
“Because I understand now.” Is the only answer he can offer.
Dean shakes his head.
“This conversation is making my head hurt.” Looking away and rubbing a hand across his cheek.
“I’m sorry.” Watching Dean in pain and confused...hurts.
“No, no, don’t...you don’t want to explain, that’s fine.” Catching his eyes again. “I can live with that.” Accepting too easily, wanting to make things right between them.
“I don’t...” Looking around again, absently biting his lip, before settling his gaze on Dean.
He doesn’t want to burden Dean with what is happening. Dean has enough of a burden to carry without the guilt of his decision to rebel. The consequences of it. He can only hope Sam keeps the information to himself. He saw Sam putting the pieces together earlier, knows he may have understood. He’ll have to talk to him later. Ask him not to tell Dean. Unless it would make things worse between the two brothers. He won’t ask Sam to make things worse. Things are bad enough as it is.
“I think it’s better if I don’t explain.” Softly offering.
“Cas, it’s fine. Okay. I get it.” Voice tinged with impatience.
But he’s pretty sure Dean doesn’t get it at all. In the end all he can do is nod and watch as Dean shifts restless on the edge of the bed, wincing in pain. He shouldn’t have walked up and down the stairs to do their laundry. It needed to be done and he understands that, understands that Dean just wanted to get out of the room. Get away from his brother and Gabriel. Even if Gabriel has stopped glaring at him every time he enters the other room. It may have been necessary but he’s almost certain that people saw him. Many people, and one of them may send their location back to a demon or an angel.
“You need to get away from here, you can’t stay.” Catching Dean’s gaze and holding it. “The longer you stay the more likely the demons or Heaven will find you.”
“Preaching to the choir buddy.” Snarking back at him. “But Sammy too sick to move right now.” Head bowing to stare at the floor.
“And you’re still in pain.”
“I’m fine.” Brushing off his concern.
“You can’t drive.” Countering.
“What do you want me to do Cas?” Getting annoyed now and glaring. “Fine. I can’t drive. Sam’s too weak to move and we’re sitting ducks if we stay here much longer.”
“Let Gabriel take you to Bobby’s.” Finally suggesting, Dean’s not going to like it but it’s the only plan he has to offer.
“Are you nuts?!” Eyes widening in shock laced with anger.
Watching as he resists the impulse to stand, move away, pace.
“I don’t want that son...” Stopping abruptly and looking away, tongue darting out to lick his bottom lip. “He’s helping, I’m not denying that but I don’t want him anywhere near Bobby.”
“Gabriel will not harm him.” Trying to reassure.
“You trust him that much?” And there’s only a hint of disbelief, he’s trying to make it a genuine question. To sound like he really wants to know, to understand.
“Yes.” He trusts his brother not to hurt Bobby and Sam.
“What happened between the two of you?” Voice quiet, serious.
Breaking the stare, he looks away. Glancing around the room, he can’t meet Dean’s gaze. Doesn’t want to explain, doesn’t want Dean to know. Even if he explained he was losing his grace he wouldn’t want to explain how Gabriel had touched him, hugged him. How he’d cried as the warmth had melted the ice he’d been feeling. How good it’d felt, to suddenly not be alone. How different from the sharing he was accustomed to in Heaven, being connected to other angels. Sharing with his brother had felt so familiar and yet so different. Pure, undiluted, perfection; love, companionship.
“First Guatemala and then the other night.” Dean continues softly, no accusation.
“He is helping me.” Forcing himself not to look away.
A pause as Dean waits for more.
“That’s it? He’s helping you?” Voice flat and low.
He doesn’t want to lie to Dean, doesn’t like keeping information from him but it’s for his own good.
“Yes.”
“This have anything to do with that thing you’re not explaining?” Dean presses carefully, voice still low but almost gentle now.
A quick glance to meet his eyes before they drop to Dean’s lap, one hand is balled into a fist. He doubts he even knows he’s doing it but he can’t help being wary. Can’t stop growing tense and swallowing, waiting for the blow.
“Yes.” Unsure if he should say it.
Silence. When he glances up he notices Dean has glanced down, noticed the fist he’s made in his lap. When his eyes fly up to meet Cas’ they’re full of dismay, quickly followed by guilt. Self loathing.
“I won’t, Cas I...” Releasing the fist and wiping his palms on his thighs. He can’t meet his eyes anymore. “So ah...you and Gabe...you trust him?” Glancing his way, looking at him from the corner of his eye, he can’t seem to meet his gaze for more than a moment.
“Not completely, no. But I trust him not to hurt Bobby or Sam.”
“I notice you don’t include me on that list.” Briefly looking away, half smile twisting his lips, rueful.
“He doesn’t like you.” Watching Dean closely. Waiting to see if he’s still angry.
Short huff of laughter.
“I noticed.”
“I won’t let him hurt you Dean, not again, not after what he...” Earnest and sincere. He won’t, what Gabriel did to Dean. Gabriel was angry, they both were but Gabriel could have killed Dean and...words suddenly evade him. He can’t, doesn’t want to image what would happen without Dean.
Dean stops and looks up. Mildly shocked.
“He’s your brother.” Pointing out gently.
“You would do the same for me.” Sitting up straighter. Completely sure of it.
“Yeah but...” Trailing off when he can’t seem to explain the obvious.
“Exactly.” He can’t help but point out. Dean would stop Sam from hurting him.
“You’re losing me here.” Dean’s frowning, lips twisting in confusion.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is I won’t let Gabriel hurt you. And if you’ll let me, I’ll ask him to take you and Sam to Bobby’s.”
“I don’t like it.” But he can sense that Dean is at breaking point, that he needs this. Needs to rest. To recuperate. To heal in more ways than one.
“It’s the only place you’ll be safe for long enough to heal.” He presses carefully. He won’t force him, doesn’t want to push but he wants him safe, wants Sam safe too.
“I didn’t say it was a bad plan, I just said I didn’t like it.” Sighing. “Let me call Bobby and...”
The sudden cry from the other room cuts him off.
No. This can’t be happening. Gabriel...his grace...Sam cries out again. In pain this time. The last sounded more like surprise. His...suddenly still...Gabriel’s grace, he’s stopped falling. He isn’t falling. He can, he thought he could... He has to be able to do this. It’s so simple but important. They have to keep Sam safe, away from Lucifer, ensure that he keeps saying no.
Dean is already off the bed, sparing him a quick glance before tentatively touching his shoulder and limping out of the room.
All he can do is follow.
Gabriel’s back on the bed, or maybe he never left, he isn’t sure but the archangel has one hand on Sam’s shoulder, the other on his cheek as he shakes him. The pain sounds stop as Sam gasps awake. Eyes suddenly wide, pupils dilated. Staring right up into Gabriel’s hovering face.
“Sammy?” Dean’s stopped half way across the room and isn’t moving any closer. He won’t risk getting closer to his brother with Gabriel there. Which is when the realisation dawns that Gabriel isn’t helping, is making things worse for them. Doubt creeps in, is this his plan? To separate the two Winchesters? “Sam, you okay?”
Sam’s blinking up at Gabriel when he makes it over to Dean. So many doubts. Has Gabriel lied to him, tricked him? He knows just how long he spent as the Trickster. He should have been able to do this. Should have been able to protect Sam. Something so simple and yet he’s failed again. Failed at such as simple thing. Has he already fallen so far? Too far for Gabriel’s grace to help him. Too far to be useful anymore?
Gabriel removes his hand from Sam’s cheek frowning, puzzled. Hand still resting on his shoulder, almost forgotten.
“I’m fine.” Sam’s panting, brow covered in sweat. “I’m fine, it wasn’t Lucifer.”
Which makes everyone but Gabriel stop. Is it possible? It makes no sense. Lucifer is hurting Sam, giving him nightmares when he walks away, refuses to listen. It has to be Lucifer, who else would it be? Heaven? The Enochian sigils on his ribs should protect him, but if Lucifer can get through, find a way around them, then some other angel might as well. Raphael? Zachariah?
He watches as Sam sits up carefully, eyes seeking him out, then Dean. Gabriel doesn’t even try to help, just moves back and lets Dean see his brother. A movement he files away to consider later. Why wouldn’t Gabriel just help Sam? Why didn’t he continue to block Dean’s view? Too many things to rethink later. Later, after he’s let Gabriel redo the blood sigil, because it’s obvious he’s fallen too far. Dull ache settling inside his chest. He failed Sam. Failed Dean. Has left them with no other options.
“It’s alright Cas, it worked.” He’s suddenly reassuring him. Gaze locking with his. Trying to explain without informing Dean. He has a moment of affection for him. He didn’t fail? Hasn’t fallen too far? “It wasn’t Lucifer, it was just a nightmare.”
Relief. Relief tinged with confusion crashes in. He didn’t fail? It worked? He can...he’s not. He hasn’t fallen too far? Relief, nodding shortly and simply staring. He did it. He...he kept Sam safe. They don’t have to rely on Gabriel. If it turns out he’s lying, if he has some other agenda. He can keep Sam safe, hide him away from Lucifer. He may not be a full angel anymore but he can at least do this to help.
“Sure sounded like Lucifer was there.” Dean can’t help but interrupt. “Sounded like all the other nightmares you’ve been having.”
Which is when Sam’s eyes drop, fall away and he stops being able to meet anyone’s gaze.
“Sam?” Gabriel prompts quietly.
“He said...” Trailing off, biting his lip. Looking up, meeting Gabriel’s eyes briefly before looking down and away again. “He said the nightmares are me. That I’m torturing myself.”
“What?” Dean’s suddenly demanding, stepping closer despite Gabriel.
He can’t blame Dean for his sudden outburst. But despite the fact it’s only one word, there’s a whole world of accusation in it. Accusation which Sam doesn’t need. If Lucifer is telling the truth, if he’s not lying, then Sam needs more help than he can offer, he needs Dean.
“When did this happen? And why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Barely controlling his temper. Dean doesn’t trust his brother, he can see that now. So much is wrong between them. So much that needs to be fixed.
“I haven’t exactly had the time Dean.” And Sam’s not backing away from the brewing fight.
“What did Lucifer tell you?” He cuts in, tries to head it off, doesn’t want to see them fighting. They’ve both made mistakes and he doesn’t want to see them tear each other apart. Dean needs Sam just as much as Sam needs his older brother.
Dean’s glaring at him in frustration but he can deal with that later. Knows that Dean will listen to him later, later when he’s calmed down. A quick glance at Gabriel. Calmed down and far away from the other angel. His presence puts Dean on edge.
“When I was trapped...” An eye flick to his brother then eyes fixed back on his. “He said I was torturing myself. That...” Looking away again, eyes fixed on the floor. “That I thought I deserved to be punished.”
In the sudden silence Dean rocks back, almost swaying and he slides an arm around his waist without thought, takes the weight off his bruised and healing hips. He’s worried when Dean doesn’t even protest. Just lets him shift closer and hold him up, take more of his weight. Shock he understands but he doesn’t understand why Dean is so upset. Sam blames himself for what has happened, everything to do with the apocalypse. He’s taken full responsibility, it’s no surprise it’s gone further, into his dreams.
Gabriel’s the first to speak, he doesn’t even glare at Dean before opening his mouth for once.
“Kid listen to me, you made a mistake.” Keeping his voice soft, softer than he’s ever heard it. “No one’s going to say any different.”
Sam’s eyes still haven’t risen, gaze fixed on his fingers laying on top of the blanket.
“But you can’t keep beating yourself up about it.” Moving closer and actually sitting on the end of the bed. He watches him closely, wary, but is surprised that Dean isn’t protesting and neither is Sam.
“I...” Sam protests. Eyes finally rising to meet Gabriel’s.
“Started the apocalypse? I know. Not saying you didn’t.” Voice even, without accusation.
“So what? I just forget...?” Eyebrows rising, lines forming across his forehead in despair.
“Sam.” Dean’s finally found his voice. “Don’t give up man, that’s what he wants you to do. I’m a jerk and I don’t say it often enough but it’s not your fault.” Making sure he has Sam’s attention, his eyes flicking Dean’s way before continuing. “Neither of us thought killing Lilith was a bad idea. Ruby manipulated the hell out of you, she got you addicted to demon blood and you weren’t thinking straight, just like any addict.” Pausing but Sam barely looks up. “All I’m saying is, I know what it’s like to torture yourself. Don’t do it man, it’s not worth it.”
“I feel like we’re having an intervention.” Sam almost smiles through a huff of mirthless laughter.
“Yeah well, maybe you need one.” Dean offers.
Watery hazel eyes finally look up.
“Lucifer will use it as a path to get to you.” He finally adds. Sam can barely meet his eyes. Just a flicker of hazel and they’re gone. “The weaker you are the easier it will be for him to use you.”
“Ah, probably not the best inspirational speech Cas.” Twisted half smile then anther flicker of hazel. “But thanks.”
“So why didn’t you have nightmares before now?” Dean finally changes the subject.
“Gabriel was...” Looking up and across the room towards them, eyes finally taking in his arm wrapped around Dean, holding him up. He looks surprised, face falling into confusion but he shakes his head slightly and says nothing. Despite the confusion he can see the flash of something else behind his expression.
“I didn’t do anything.” Gabriel’s voice is quiet, aimed directly at Sam.
“What, no, you...” Protesting. “I’ve slept fine the whole time you’ve been here.”
Gabriel’s spreads his hands.
“Didn’t do a thing.” Radiating quiet sincerity and for once it’s believable.
“But I thought...” Confusion written all over his face as his fringe falls across his eyes and his fingers push it back.
“Why? What have you been dreaming about?” Suddenly smirking innuendo, which makes Sam start to blush.
“Nothing.” Looking away again.
“Reeeeally.” Gabriel elongates the word. “Cause your blush is starting to give it away.” Eyebrows dancing. “Was I good?”
“Gabriel, god, no.” Glaring at him, brows bunching tightly together. Head pulling back slightly. “I’m serious. I was dreaming about nothing. Just normal stuff. Nothing remarkable.”
“You wound me.” Mocking amusement.
“Shut up.” Rolling his eyes at the Archangel.
“So why tonight?” Dean cuts in before they can continue that seriously disturbed line of conversation.
Still silence from the angels. Sam swallows and looks away. Nobody wants to say it, explain it to Dean.
“Did I miss something?” Eyes narrowing in suspicion.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Gabriel snipes.
“What the hell is your problem now?” Disbelief and irritation colouring his voice.
“Guys, cut it out.” Sam heads off the argument. Meeting Dean’s annoyed look. “They think it was seeing the blood.”
Which shuts Dean up faster than anything else. Leaning more weight against Cas.
“Was it?” Voice carefully neutral.
“I...honestly? I don’t think so.” Head shaking.
“What was the last thing you thought of before you fell asleep?” Dean prods.
Which makes Sam’s eyes swing around to Cas before quickly jerking away. And that makes Dean frown, turn his head and come face to face with startling blue eyes.
He can still feel the heat of Cas’ body up and down his side but he’d almost forgotten he was holding him up, keeping the pressure off his hips. It should probably be uncomfortable but it isn’t, he figures Cas is always pretty close, invading his personal space, so now that he’s taken it one step further, it’s almost normal. Except it really, really isn’t. But his hips have stopped screaming pain at him, so he can’t complain and he’s definitely not moving away.
Something else occurs to him.
“You didn’t think Cas could do the sigil, because last time he couldn’t make it work?” Looking over in time to see Sam considering the thought.
“Maybe.” Nodding. Eyes glancing across. “I’m sorry Cas, I just...”
“But you assumed Gabriel was protecting your sleep so you just, didn’t have any nightmares?” Dean cuts in.
“I guess.” Shrugging. “It makes sense.”
“Dude it makes no sense. You trust him,” Free hand waving at Gabriel. “More than you do Cas? That makes absolutely no sense.”
“I...He saved my life Dean.” Trying to explain.
“So what? You trust him more than Cas now?”
“No! I’m not saying that.” Sam protests.
“You’re just thinking it.” Voice an open accusation.
“Dean, stop being a jerk. You know I trust Cas.”
“Apparently you trust me more.” Gabriel can’t help but interject.
“Shut up!” Comes from two sides.
Which leaves Dean incredibly pleased, even as Gabriel smirks at them. He and Sam are on the same side again. Even if it’s only for something as petty as sniping at the archangel. Considering the last twist of conversation, that’s a huge fucking relief.
***