LJ Idol: Season 9, Week 19: Kindling
Dear Roger, XOXOXO
Well, he got what he wanted, or what he thought he wanted. My brother is a little shit, but he’s my little shit, and I’d rather have him than not. But why? Didn’t he see me after you left us? Didn’t he know how bad I hurt? How much more did I have to cry after losing you for him to figure out that’s no way to go? I miss you so much. I look back at my journal and all these letters and it never gets any easier. We were together, it was good, not perfect, but it didn’t have to be. Now, I’m left with this and now a brother who, dammit the little shit.
I’m still not showing anyone else his note. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. It wasn’t a note. It was a hit list with his own name at the end. But now he has a King. We had to give it to him. I don’t think he even knew the name of the club, but now he’s one of us. I had to call a point of order to tell him why he was there, like I did for everyone else. He looked so sorry. I didn’t want him to have this in common with me. Or with any of us. I want to stuff him in a locker myself, this time so he doesn’t go anywhere.
Gay, even. My brother’s gay and didn’t want anyone to know about it. Nobody would know about it if it weren’t for the note. I can’t tell anyone either, especially Mom and Dad. Not like they’d listen anyway. I hope he can tell the Kings and soon. I know I have to sit on this no matter what.
So we sat there, and confused him with the game. He was crying. I think he looked like I did that day. I can’t count how many times I wanted to make him cry before, but this time I would have given anything so he didn’t have to. I wanted to go hide. I gave him a hug for the first time in a long time.
Nobody knows I burned my own note. If I could I’d burn his. I made this club so I wouldn’t lose anyone else. If someone found it, OMG, it’s much worse than any of ours. I can’t let this be another note. I can’t. I just can’t. But why Davey too? If any of the Kings don’t make it, will I follow? Will we all follow like some sort of cult? Can he even keep his mouth shut for five minutes and not rat us out?
At least we left him with the whole deck after the game of Mao. I guess that’s something. He deserved that much. Dammit Roger, I want you back. I don’t want to have to understand anything anymore.
Love and kisses forever,
Amy
*****
Davey sat in his room and wrote a new hit list. He again put his name at the bottom, “for being a faggot”, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what names to put ahead of it. He paper-clipped his King of Diamonds to it, put it under his pillow, and wished everything would go away including himself, but he laid there feeling like he couldn’t even do that right.
*****
This one goes out to all of my fans who have loved the Suicide Kings in past seasons. I really wasn't going to write them again for Idol, but it seemed right. I have plans for these guys. *grin*
Well, he got what he wanted, or what he thought he wanted. My brother is a little shit, but he’s my little shit, and I’d rather have him than not. But why? Didn’t he see me after you left us? Didn’t he know how bad I hurt? How much more did I have to cry after losing you for him to figure out that’s no way to go? I miss you so much. I look back at my journal and all these letters and it never gets any easier. We were together, it was good, not perfect, but it didn’t have to be. Now, I’m left with this and now a brother who, dammit the little shit.
I’m still not showing anyone else his note. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. It wasn’t a note. It was a hit list with his own name at the end. But now he has a King. We had to give it to him. I don’t think he even knew the name of the club, but now he’s one of us. I had to call a point of order to tell him why he was there, like I did for everyone else. He looked so sorry. I didn’t want him to have this in common with me. Or with any of us. I want to stuff him in a locker myself, this time so he doesn’t go anywhere.
Gay, even. My brother’s gay and didn’t want anyone to know about it. Nobody would know about it if it weren’t for the note. I can’t tell anyone either, especially Mom and Dad. Not like they’d listen anyway. I hope he can tell the Kings and soon. I know I have to sit on this no matter what.
So we sat there, and confused him with the game. He was crying. I think he looked like I did that day. I can’t count how many times I wanted to make him cry before, but this time I would have given anything so he didn’t have to. I wanted to go hide. I gave him a hug for the first time in a long time.
Nobody knows I burned my own note. If I could I’d burn his. I made this club so I wouldn’t lose anyone else. If someone found it, OMG, it’s much worse than any of ours. I can’t let this be another note. I can’t. I just can’t. But why Davey too? If any of the Kings don’t make it, will I follow? Will we all follow like some sort of cult? Can he even keep his mouth shut for five minutes and not rat us out?
At least we left him with the whole deck after the game of Mao. I guess that’s something. He deserved that much. Dammit Roger, I want you back. I don’t want to have to understand anything anymore.
Love and kisses forever,
Amy
*****
Davey sat in his room and wrote a new hit list. He again put his name at the bottom, “for being a faggot”, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what names to put ahead of it. He paper-clipped his King of Diamonds to it, put it under his pillow, and wished everything would go away including himself, but he laid there feeling like he couldn’t even do that right.
*****
This one goes out to all of my fans who have loved the Suicide Kings in past seasons. I really wasn't going to write them again for Idol, but it seemed right. I have plans for these guys. *grin*