Back on track
Last week I felt so depressed I cried a lot, I felt so alone on my side of the world. Most of all I missed my connections with Her my Goddesses.This week I have been very focused sorting out things, both what I don´t need and stuff that I do use but just lie around. I try to be more organized. I am also doing a lot cardio exercises and situps. And still after been doing it for a couple of months it is still so boring. I see the use of it on my body and mind so I continue with it. So it is not just cause My Goddess told me to start training, exercise, do yoga be more active a couple of months a ago, I am doing it. I know it is for my own benefit it is just damn boring, especially since I loose weight very slowly what is 4 pounds a month, nothing. Other people looses up to 8-10 lbs a month. I have also been jobsearching but still no luck so far. I miss the money not the working. But I if I got a job that was more fascinating and fun than nuresyhomes I am willing to work. Believe me working as a assistant nurse is so depressing and so boring that I wish I was dead. I want work with something fun, inspiring, something cool, not just have boring nurse servant job blah.
I am working a lot on my drawing as well. At Monday this week I felt my connections with The Goddesses was back, it feels so great. They have been with me all the time, but I couldn´t feel or sense anything since after being with Hella in the beginning of november until the 20th. It is very possible that I may have blocked myself in someway. After doing laundry I was exercising on my step machine and as usually when I am bored or distracted my minds wander off and for some reason I must have enetered the astral plane. Cause suddenly I was a large horse running on meadows and over hills with my Goddess on my back, it was like we were one and in such harmony. There were some obstacles on our course i jumped over them. Then I came back to my reality I was refrshed but so exusted after being on my step machine an hour more than usuall. But I was in good mood did more yoga and stretched out. I was so tired then so I took a nap.
Then I got up and meditated, My Lady Morrigan came we talked, She said She waited so long for me to come. Which I found a bit weird since I have been calling on Her serveral times but no answer. This week and last week I have only prayed to Her no invocation it can be that She missed, if I didn´t know any better, I would think She had missed me too. She wants me to come more to and let Her decide were we go, do exercises meditations so I will let go of more controle. I should trust Her more as well. I get a feeling sometimes that The Morrigan and Morgana misses me if I am not around so much. It can be my own projected feelings, like I want so badly to really loved and missed. I rather see Them as powerful friends than just demanding harsh Goddesses. I know I should focus on my own life not thinking of Them as friends cause They are Gods high above me, I doubt they see me as a friend more likely a pet or a kid. I just yearn so much for to be loved and hugged by Her at times. Strange I know.
Tonight it is fullmoon and will celebrate that as usual and meeting a friend on the astralplane, that will be fun. tomorrow it is Luciaday i will celebrate that as well. With some saffroncakes, crown of light and a Goddess ritual.
Camilla Morgaine Ravenschild