[ worth sharing, I think ]
I posted this in the journal of a dear friend of mine, and thought that it might be relevent to more than just her. Perhaps someone else can find solice in my inadequate words.
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People are self destructive, my dear one. In a million tiny ways, and others not so tiny, they seek always to rend asunder, break, and torment. I think it's a human nature thing, personally. So, it should come as no surprise that you find that in yourself. Only in that you are self-aware enough to see it.
I also know what it's like to stare at that ceiling, a looming sense of self-loathing settling in around you as yet again, you've let him have his way, knowing full well that he does not love you. Will never love you. Not, anyway, in the way you need, desire, and cry out to be loved. He's kind enough, but when you look into his face and search his eyes, you don't see it there. Instead, you see a little pleah that you not ask him how he really feels, because he knows he'll have to tell you, and he doesn't wanna loose his guaranteed lay.
However, this much I can give you, though I would never have believed it myself had I not experienced it first hand. Love that is worthy, that is divine and rechless, all consuming, and all giving, exists. It will not hit you like a ton of bricks. It will not slap you in the face and drag you into extacy. That sort of think only happens in the movies. Rather, it will whisper in your ear, catch you in a glance or momentary smile. And you will feel that fragile flutter, often passing it off as something else. But it will persist, in a warm and soft kind of way, one that does not pressure, but that embraces.
And when you least expect it, and certainly are not looking for it, you will find yourself looking into the bluest eyes you've ever seen. Your lips will start moving all on their own, forming words your mind had not thought to set to flight. Unlike ever before, when you looked into those eyes and saw nothing, or close enough to that it didn't matter, you'll find somethign new and amazing. A core of warmth, like soft sunlight, and everything you have alwys kept locked away will be mirrored there for you to see. There will be shy looking away, and tenative caresses, but under it all, a force of deep passion and love that carries away all doubt.
Not to say you won't have moments. We all have them. You wake up in a near panic, fearing that that other part of you might not be what you think. What if it was all just in your head again? What if this seeming perfection, this bliss made real, is nothing but imagination and desperate clinging to make real what exists only in your own mind? But strong arms will enfold you in their love, comforting and understanding your fear, and all the shadows will fall away. He will know your wounded and frightened heart, and he will love you all the more for it, carefully and slowly nursing you back into the light.
It takes time. I'm 27, sadly, and only now do I know and understand. I was engaged for 5 years... and never understood what it could be like. It took the right moment, and those perfect blue eyes. *soft smile* It WILL happen, my dear one, my broken one. Sadly, however, we have to be patient, and that is the hardest part. But before you can find it, you must stop looking. That is when we find what we need most. Look inward and love yourself first, become content enough in who you are. We cannot love another if we cannot even love yourselves. Find peace there, and the rest will follow. Not an easy task, by any means, but neither is it an impossible one. And I promise... when that moment finds you, and you look into those eyes, you will understand. Nothing in the past will ever matter again, no pain or sorrow, because it will no longer be able to touch you.
You'll be free.
*hug*
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My baby's comeing home today... after a whole week away... I'm counting the minutes, seriously. *soft smile*