[ what love is this ]
He’s curled up next to me, warm and soft, and I think my heart might just burst with the feeling of it all. I run my hands along the strong contours of his shoulders, loving every inch of his skin, which smells softly of soap and his aftershave. His perfect blue eyes are closed right now, and in sleep he is the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the wholeness of my life. His breath comes slow steady, like the beat of his heart that I can feel through the places where our two bodies touch, and the minutes tick by like soft snow falling.
I would live in this moment forever if I could.
I haven’t written much about my new relationship. Few of you prolly even know that I’m in one. It’s odd for me, given that I usually can’t keep my mouth shut about it when I’m in love, or at least when I’m in like with someone. This, my friends, is like nothing I have ever known in my life. I love with a completeness that leaves no room for anything else. I have no doubt, no fear, and no reservations. I don’t need to write, as if the words will reassure all of my normal insecurities. I live every day in the sunlight of his love, and no words could ever be enough to express the divinity of this feeling.
I would drown in him, happily, and know bliss.
It seems like it should be too soon to feel this deeply, this strong. There are those who have warned me against falling so very far so very fast. Yet, I would say to them; the choice was never mine to make. I looked up into those eyes, like sunlit tropical waters, and I was claimed. I could not have taken back my heart had I wanted to, for the giving of it was effortless and more natural than the drawing of my every breath. I have known it for a long time, since long before I was free to utter the secret of these thoughts. Blessed am I that his heart, his love, are mine in return, and that he too felt the undeniable from the very first.
I know that I was always his, now, and that everything else was learning to be ready.
I have been in love before. That is not secret, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I have always loved freely. However, in this life, there has never been a passion to match this, which burns away the nights and ushers in my every day. I have never, never, felt so loved in return. He runs a caressing hand, gentle and strong all at once, along my longing skin, and sends chills up my spine. I look at him, drink in the sight of him, and want to drown in his kisses. He consumes me. More, he desires me. He is never afraid to express how he feels, to make me understand how very much he loves me in return. For the very first time in my life, I feel like someone actually loves me as much as I love them. I haven’t the words to express how mind blowingly wonderful that is.
I would give my every breath to make him happy.
I have found a peace the likes of which I had not really hoped to find in this life, my friends. To be honest, I had, in large part, given up the hope that I would find that one other spark that could light me afire in the ways I so crave to be consumed. I had resigned myself to a reality in which the kind of love of which I dreamed was simply not to be mine. Now… now I know what it is to live. I wish I could actually feel I could express how I feel. I just can’t. I am more in love, more alive, and more real than I think I have ever been. I am filled with light and hope, with dreams of the beautiful life we will make together, filled with love and passion.
I am loved.
Even in dreaming, his fingers twine themselves about my own, and every morning we awake as we fell asleep; wrapped about one another in a lovers’ embrace. He whispers that he loves me even in his sleep, and his arms tighten around me as if he fears, in waking, I will be gone. Every morning the first thing he does is kiss me, gaze into my face, and tell me that he loves me. Every morning I learn I have grown to love him more.
This is perfection.
Yes, I am in love. I am happier than I have ever been in this life. He reminds me not to shut out the world, that I don’t have to be so afraid of everyone all the time anymore. He breaks down my walls, and makes me feel like I just might be able to live without them. After all, before the strength of his love, what could ever harm me? I am learning, and in so doing, realize I have not been fair to those who have always loved me. But that comes later, and those are apologies I owe others. For now, I’m learning how to be a real person, and I think I like it.
I finally feel real.
His skin is warm next to mine as I write, as he dreams. I’m up, supposed to be writing, because these thoughts just won’t let me rest. He’d forgive me for not getting my new book written if he knew I was bursting with just how much I love him. He shifts, cuddling up ever closer, as if ever a breath between us is too far a chasm. I love that more than I can tell. Even in dreaming he shows me how much he loves me. And I know it’s time to set this aside and wrap my arms around him, whispering all my love into his ear that it reaches him in the fields where his sleeping mind tarries.
I will meet him there, knowing no greater love than this.