(no subject)
All of this retrospect has got my head spinning. I am to the point where rage takes precedent over any other emotion I could possibly have. It’s sort of unsatisfying, but then again, I should have never have been forced to go through this at all. Even if I did, in some way, affect the outcome of part 2 a., part 2 b. should have never become an option.
I’m starting to question everything - more than anything else, this applies to how I interact with people and which people are worthy of my time, which people truly care about me and which people keep me on their side for amusement or so they can spring surprise drama on me.
I’m all for getting over the past and spring-boarding into the future, but that would imply that past behaviors have changed and/or are no longer an issue. This proves to be a rough concept for some. It seems like some people are willing to create a mess but chose not to deal with it when it comes to the clean-up. I’ve been associated with so many people who are exactly this way. They don’t want to deal with it; so, they ignore it or accuse me of starting some drama war simply for reacting to their bullshit.
My journal is my journal. If I need to vent or cope or deal with my emotions to their fullest extent, I will. I shouldn’t be forced to censor myself because someone has hurt feelings. I’m always more than willing to take rebuttals or different perspectives - it’s just that few people seem to take that. They want to make me look more irrational than I am by avoiding their problems, making it more difficult to feel any sense of closure.
Why do I need closure? Because when one is betrayed over and over again by people who claim to care about her, she begins to look at each of these instances critically. These critical interpretations of the events or crimes associated with disrespectful behavior often lead me to look not only at these factors but the person who committed the offense. I have a belief that people can and do change, but you can only give someone so many chances to fix his/herself before you realize how little worth the person’s existence in your life really is.
People who fight for my friendship but offer me nothing other than a brief “I’m sorry,” often followed by lies or inappropriate comments, do not need to be given the regard that I give people of true merit. I’m not going to allow my life to be controlled by their mistakes nor will I allow them to lead me into thinking they are truly apologizing when their actions prove otherwise.
I had accepted a long time ago that I wouldn’t get closure on the item of the past that is of concern to me now. But since someone claimed to be my friend, she should have had the common decency to do the bare minimum of what I required. I could seriously care less if the past is something she doesn’t want to break into because it reminds her of what she failed to accomplish [and I’ve never really received any indication that it’s really making her feel bad in relation to me - just in relation to her selfish need to keep this topic out of her repertoire]. My needs have not and will never be taken into consideration. I should have expected as much.
It seems this is more retrospective now that I’ve given up. But I rest assured that I won’t be the one crying when karma comes calling. You can only run from your problems so much before they find you and tackle you to the ground.
But Katrina - if you’ve given up, why talk about it? Because I’ve found that conquering your troubles, even if your troubles are people, is a better alternative than to stop thinking about it or let people slide by without knowing your true feelings. I’m not going to lie to myself. Even if I’m talking to myself - it’s better than not dealing with it at all.
I’m starting to question everything - more than anything else, this applies to how I interact with people and which people are worthy of my time, which people truly care about me and which people keep me on their side for amusement or so they can spring surprise drama on me.
I’m all for getting over the past and spring-boarding into the future, but that would imply that past behaviors have changed and/or are no longer an issue. This proves to be a rough concept for some. It seems like some people are willing to create a mess but chose not to deal with it when it comes to the clean-up. I’ve been associated with so many people who are exactly this way. They don’t want to deal with it; so, they ignore it or accuse me of starting some drama war simply for reacting to their bullshit.
My journal is my journal. If I need to vent or cope or deal with my emotions to their fullest extent, I will. I shouldn’t be forced to censor myself because someone has hurt feelings. I’m always more than willing to take rebuttals or different perspectives - it’s just that few people seem to take that. They want to make me look more irrational than I am by avoiding their problems, making it more difficult to feel any sense of closure.
Why do I need closure? Because when one is betrayed over and over again by people who claim to care about her, she begins to look at each of these instances critically. These critical interpretations of the events or crimes associated with disrespectful behavior often lead me to look not only at these factors but the person who committed the offense. I have a belief that people can and do change, but you can only give someone so many chances to fix his/herself before you realize how little worth the person’s existence in your life really is.
People who fight for my friendship but offer me nothing other than a brief “I’m sorry,” often followed by lies or inappropriate comments, do not need to be given the regard that I give people of true merit. I’m not going to allow my life to be controlled by their mistakes nor will I allow them to lead me into thinking they are truly apologizing when their actions prove otherwise.
I had accepted a long time ago that I wouldn’t get closure on the item of the past that is of concern to me now. But since someone claimed to be my friend, she should have had the common decency to do the bare minimum of what I required. I could seriously care less if the past is something she doesn’t want to break into because it reminds her of what she failed to accomplish [and I’ve never really received any indication that it’s really making her feel bad in relation to me - just in relation to her selfish need to keep this topic out of her repertoire]. My needs have not and will never be taken into consideration. I should have expected as much.
It seems this is more retrospective now that I’ve given up. But I rest assured that I won’t be the one crying when karma comes calling. You can only run from your problems so much before they find you and tackle you to the ground.
But Katrina - if you’ve given up, why talk about it? Because I’ve found that conquering your troubles, even if your troubles are people, is a better alternative than to stop thinking about it or let people slide by without knowing your true feelings. I’m not going to lie to myself. Even if I’m talking to myself - it’s better than not dealing with it at all.