(no subject)
I'm never really completely sure how to feel or which direction to go in. I've dealt with all of the extreme emotions that I possibly can, and no matter how hard I try to move beyond the negative ones, I can't. I'm sure that some people would advise me to just let go, and eventually, I will attempt that route, but for now, I can't help but feel like I need time to cope. There is one thing that I was never given, and that was closure. I finally got to the point in which I could pretty well accept that things happened the way that they did, but since key information was kept a secret, I feel like I'm doomed to review it all over again, much to my displeasure. The hardest thing for me is looking back knowing that I didn't deserve it. Karmicly, it makes absolutely no sense, and I did nothing to provoke the way that things played out, in fact -- I attempted to stop it. My impulses that value justice turn up empty at this avenue.
Since I am not a master of time and space and I'll probably never know the whens and the hows, it is hard for me not to feel like, for a brief moment, I was worth sacrificing. It has been said that the consequences of the actions taken were not looked at critically until after the fact, but I made myself very clear that I did not want that to happen from day one. I feel saddened that I was not listened to, that my warnings were as empty as I was. Ever since, I've had to pay for the sins of others. I've been the victim for so long, and it seems like only one party involved other than me can see that my suffering was far worse than anyone else's. I did not ask for this to happen, and when it all came crashing down, it should have ended between all parties. I tried, for him, to smooth thing over, though I knew it would prove to be a hopeless endeavor. I was still very clear about how I felt and my perspective on how things were unfolding at the time -- I was right on every point.
Despite all that occurred, I do believe that people are capable of change. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, despite red flags and warning signs that I was dealing with very much the same person, only the methods were different. Quite honestly, had I known the truth about what happened, I would have never attempted a friendship. Anyone who is so willing to try to damage what I have and take it for herself, all while pretending that things can and will turn out alright in the end but concurrently being ruthless and cut-throat, does not deserve my company. I've given so many chances for redemption, but I don't believe that that was ever my responsibility. Why should I have to try to hard to mend something that was damaged primarily by the actions of the other person? I've never claimed to be perfect. I am human, and I make mistakes Nonetheless -- I hold the belief that my biggest mistake in this situation was letting someone in who had proven to be untrustworthy before and not defending myself when conflict was right in my face. If I could do it all over again, I would have reminded her that many of the things used against me were none of her concern..
Since I am not a master of time and space and I'll probably never know the whens and the hows, it is hard for me not to feel like, for a brief moment, I was worth sacrificing. It has been said that the consequences of the actions taken were not looked at critically until after the fact, but I made myself very clear that I did not want that to happen from day one. I feel saddened that I was not listened to, that my warnings were as empty as I was. Ever since, I've had to pay for the sins of others. I've been the victim for so long, and it seems like only one party involved other than me can see that my suffering was far worse than anyone else's. I did not ask for this to happen, and when it all came crashing down, it should have ended between all parties. I tried, for him, to smooth thing over, though I knew it would prove to be a hopeless endeavor. I was still very clear about how I felt and my perspective on how things were unfolding at the time -- I was right on every point.
Despite all that occurred, I do believe that people are capable of change. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, despite red flags and warning signs that I was dealing with very much the same person, only the methods were different. Quite honestly, had I known the truth about what happened, I would have never attempted a friendship. Anyone who is so willing to try to damage what I have and take it for herself, all while pretending that things can and will turn out alright in the end but concurrently being ruthless and cut-throat, does not deserve my company. I've given so many chances for redemption, but I don't believe that that was ever my responsibility. Why should I have to try to hard to mend something that was damaged primarily by the actions of the other person? I've never claimed to be perfect. I am human, and I make mistakes Nonetheless -- I hold the belief that my biggest mistake in this situation was letting someone in who had proven to be untrustworthy before and not defending myself when conflict was right in my face. If I could do it all over again, I would have reminded her that many of the things used against me were none of her concern..