Seamus, firstly, I want to let you know I'm not upset with you. That's the hardest part of feeling what I feel. I'm not mad at you or Nick or Joe or anyone.
I think that the hardest thing for me to do when I'm upset is express myself.
I was not mad when you came over and hugged me, but I was near tears (over something I already knew was stupid and irrational) and I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I know you were trying to cheer me up. I know you meant to try and help, I just didn't know what to do except to get out of there before I cried and made a scene.
I am always afraid to show that I am a flawed screwed up kid just like everyone else. I don't want to be "that pagan"? that shows up to rituals and makes a scene. I have this feeling that there is an expectation that I am the "funny one" who is always there with a quip to make people laugh.
It just means that I've set myself up for twice the guilt when I prove that I'm not all together.
So again I want you to know I lurve ya and am not mad or upset with you. I'm really upset with myself for not understanding how to communicate my insecurities to you.
I'm sorry if I made you think I was upset with you. I am going to work on trying to communicate my issues better.
I have this feeling that there is an expectation that I am the "funny one" who is always there with a quip to make people laugh.
I run into this as well. I was even told at festival season last summer "what's wrong with you, you are normally funny!" when I was struggling a bit.
But I am learning it is not true. Those expectations, I know, are my own hang up not others. I know that a lot of people in ADF only want me to be me (they may encourage me to be my best me, but that is not the same as expecting me to be something different).
I don't know you well, so maybe I should shut up, but I expect your Crane kin only want you to be you and that includes being emotional sometimes and not expressing your hurt well.
I think that the hardest thing for me to do when I'm upset is express myself.
I was not mad when you came over and hugged me, but I was near tears (over something I already knew was stupid and irrational) and I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I know you were trying to cheer me up. I know you meant to try and help, I just didn't know what to do except to get out of there before I cried and made a scene.
I am always afraid to show that I am a flawed screwed up kid just like everyone else. I don't want to be "that pagan"? that shows up to rituals and makes a scene. I have this feeling that there is an expectation that I am the "funny one" who is always there with a quip to make people laugh.
It just means that I've set myself up for twice the guilt when I prove that I'm not all together.
So again I want you to know I lurve ya and am not mad or upset with you. I'm really upset with myself for not understanding how to communicate my insecurities to you.
I'm sorry if I made you think I was upset with you. I am going to work on trying to communicate my issues better.
I'm sorry hun.
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*hug*
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I totally blamed Dangler!
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I run into this as well. I was even told at festival season last summer "what's wrong with you, you are normally funny!" when I was struggling a bit.
But I am learning it is not true. Those expectations, I know, are my own hang up not others. I know that a lot of people in ADF only want me to be me (they may encourage me to be my best me, but that is not the same as expecting me to be something different).
I don't know you well, so maybe I should shut up, but I expect your Crane kin only want you to be you and that includes being emotional sometimes and not expressing your hurt well.
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