Just when I say I'm high-functioning....
my brain decides that I can't handle shit.
So if you've seen my last lj entry, you know a lot of shit is going on right now that has me a bit stressed.
Well, Sunday, after little sleep and a lot of stress, anivair and I had a pretty nice fight about our dueling preparation methods for rituals/travel etc. It really was something that could have been a discussion, but I was feeling stressed and seems like this was my only outlet.
By the time I got to the rite location, I had a pretty bad dehydration headache. I tried to be in good spirits and was excited to get drumming going in the drumming circle after the rite. All seemed to be going well.
Then, the rite started. I wasn't getting into it. Not sure why, but I just wasn't feeling anything. I tried really hard to get into the meditation, as I've been looking for a totem animal for a while. But I got a little of the visualization down, then it was over before I really was able to get into it.
Occasionally, this happens to me, it's not really a comment on the rite, but on my brain and my focus. All in all I was a bit disappointed, but I was still in a pretty good mood. The CooR was going pretty well, but we thanked the Earth Mother before closing the gates, and I wasn't sure that was supposed to happen, so I tried to motion to anivair that the gates needed to be closed.
Nick saw my pantomine and made a point of saying "Yes Traci, I know the Core Order of Ritual, thank you." and that was it. I was really embarassed and upset and any logic in my brain was gone. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry, I wanted out.
Anything else that happened to end the rite was completely washed away by my upset. I walked outside to try and calm down, because I knew my reaction to the embarrassment wasn't "normal" per se but I couldn't help it.
So I tried to calm down and go back to getting ready for the social potluck hour. But I was way past being okay to try and put on a smiley face and be happy. I wanted to run away and cry. And every person that tried to crack jokes with me to cheer me up made me more embarrassed.
So I packed up my things, got in the car and drove to a different part of the park to cry for a while. I tried to texr anivair so he wouldn't think I took off with the car, but his phone beeped in the backseat. So I headed back and tried to stay in the parking lot so as not to be yet one more pagan bringing their drama to the rite. Really, I just wanted to be away from there, but I didn't want to ruin anivair's time. It was a shitty place to be in. So I cried myself to sleep in the car until Joe was ready to go home.
******************************************
So, here's a bit of what happens in my head, for people who think I am mad at them. anivair says that it could be helpful in telling people what's going on. The first point is, no, I'm not mad at you and I'm sorry if I wasn't cheerful, bubbly me.
In my life, I've learned a really shitty habit. Keep shit to yourself, don't cry, don't be anything other than the perfect fun, personable persona that is expected in social circles.
When I am upset...I can't talk. Literally. I can't think clearly, I just have a flight instinct and need to remove myself from a situation. Sadly, any attempt to "right" things by other people just embarrasses me more and makes me shut down more.
I have been overwhelmed with stressors lately and it just took one slight comment to just flip me out and push me to that point where I can't think straight. I start going through everything in my head that has me upset, (Do I belong in the grove? Why do I bother trying to help people? Why is all this happening to me? What did I do to make all this car/house/money trouble happen?)
It doesn't even matter what stupid little comment sent me to that place, everything I have tried to stay calm about floods to the surface until I am paralyzed by too many emotions at once to handle.
And then, I'm sitting in the car, listening to the drumming circle, sad as hell that I couldn't keep my shit together and to proud to try and pull it back together.
So, I know that this is not a normal reaction. I know logically, with a sound(ish) mind that most of the things that happened just triggered other things being held back in my mind and weighing too heavily on my heart.
But I don't know how to make it clear to those around me that I care about them and am not mad...but I'm ashamed that I couldn't keep it together and keep my personal drama at home.
All I can say is I'm sorry.
So if you've seen my last lj entry, you know a lot of shit is going on right now that has me a bit stressed.
Well, Sunday, after little sleep and a lot of stress, anivair and I had a pretty nice fight about our dueling preparation methods for rituals/travel etc. It really was something that could have been a discussion, but I was feeling stressed and seems like this was my only outlet.
By the time I got to the rite location, I had a pretty bad dehydration headache. I tried to be in good spirits and was excited to get drumming going in the drumming circle after the rite. All seemed to be going well.
Then, the rite started. I wasn't getting into it. Not sure why, but I just wasn't feeling anything. I tried really hard to get into the meditation, as I've been looking for a totem animal for a while. But I got a little of the visualization down, then it was over before I really was able to get into it.
Occasionally, this happens to me, it's not really a comment on the rite, but on my brain and my focus. All in all I was a bit disappointed, but I was still in a pretty good mood. The CooR was going pretty well, but we thanked the Earth Mother before closing the gates, and I wasn't sure that was supposed to happen, so I tried to motion to anivair that the gates needed to be closed.
Nick saw my pantomine and made a point of saying "Yes Traci, I know the Core Order of Ritual, thank you." and that was it. I was really embarassed and upset and any logic in my brain was gone. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry, I wanted out.
Anything else that happened to end the rite was completely washed away by my upset. I walked outside to try and calm down, because I knew my reaction to the embarrassment wasn't "normal" per se but I couldn't help it.
So I tried to calm down and go back to getting ready for the social potluck hour. But I was way past being okay to try and put on a smiley face and be happy. I wanted to run away and cry. And every person that tried to crack jokes with me to cheer me up made me more embarrassed.
So I packed up my things, got in the car and drove to a different part of the park to cry for a while. I tried to texr anivair so he wouldn't think I took off with the car, but his phone beeped in the backseat. So I headed back and tried to stay in the parking lot so as not to be yet one more pagan bringing their drama to the rite. Really, I just wanted to be away from there, but I didn't want to ruin anivair's time. It was a shitty place to be in. So I cried myself to sleep in the car until Joe was ready to go home.
******************************************
So, here's a bit of what happens in my head, for people who think I am mad at them. anivair says that it could be helpful in telling people what's going on. The first point is, no, I'm not mad at you and I'm sorry if I wasn't cheerful, bubbly me.
In my life, I've learned a really shitty habit. Keep shit to yourself, don't cry, don't be anything other than the perfect fun, personable persona that is expected in social circles.
When I am upset...I can't talk. Literally. I can't think clearly, I just have a flight instinct and need to remove myself from a situation. Sadly, any attempt to "right" things by other people just embarrasses me more and makes me shut down more.
I have been overwhelmed with stressors lately and it just took one slight comment to just flip me out and push me to that point where I can't think straight. I start going through everything in my head that has me upset, (Do I belong in the grove? Why do I bother trying to help people? Why is all this happening to me? What did I do to make all this car/house/money trouble happen?)
It doesn't even matter what stupid little comment sent me to that place, everything I have tried to stay calm about floods to the surface until I am paralyzed by too many emotions at once to handle.
And then, I'm sitting in the car, listening to the drumming circle, sad as hell that I couldn't keep my shit together and to proud to try and pull it back together.
So, I know that this is not a normal reaction. I know logically, with a sound(ish) mind that most of the things that happened just triggered other things being held back in my mind and weighing too heavily on my heart.
But I don't know how to make it clear to those around me that I care about them and am not mad...but I'm ashamed that I couldn't keep it together and keep my personal drama at home.
All I can say is I'm sorry.