I write the songs of love and special things.
A little back story.
I was accepted to Capital University in 1995 into the Conservatory of Music. I had wanted to go to Otterbein which at the time was the only University close with a Musical Theatre department. But, I was in love and followed my love to college.
During my admittance interview, I explained that I could not do the following things:
1) Read Music
2) Play any instrument...including the piano
My skill set was "sight reading", or for folks who aren't music geeks, it's being able to see a piece of music for the first time and being able to sing the notes. Now this came with no understanding of how music worked or how the notes on the page, aside from years in choirs associating the dot on the page to a sound in my head.
I could NOT read music in the traditional sense.
But, I was accepted anyways, mostly just on voice. I auditioned for and got in to Chapel Choir, which was a HUGE deal at the time for me. To this day, it stands as the most moving musical experiences in my life.
But, I was struggling. I was immediately thrust into Music Theory and Piano, though I could not understand the notes on the page. And it was pretty miserable. I had good teachers who tried to get tutors to help and I had bad teachers who told me that I'd never be a musician.
Pair this with the fact that I was dating/eventually engaged to one of the Conservatory prodigies and I was really sinking. Both in grades and emotionally.
After to agonizing years of struggling and barely making through, I finally failed out of piano and Music Theory. It was devastating to me and when I sat down with the head of the Conservatory, he pretty much crushed any dreams I had of being a musician.
I stayed in Chapel Choir and worked in many musicals and tried to finish my secondary major so I could graduate, which I eventually did. But failing at music hit me pretty hard.
Though I lived with occasionally singing with my now ex-husband in coffee shops, every part of me still wanted to be on Broadway. I dreamt about it, (I still do) prayed for it, but never had the confidence to go for it. So I sat in the audience and watched Rand perform. While I loved him very much, it was hard not to be jealous. I'm still human.
I did The Sound of Music at Licking County players I think in 2003 maybe, but other than that, it was a dream I pushed aside.
I didn't like to sing out too loud, because I didn't want to be heard, I didn't talk much about college or music and I tried very hard to put that part of my life behind me.
But, as most people know, that doesn't last long. I dreamt of writing/performing in musicals. I even wrote songs in my sleep (ask me sometime about the Kid Intestines song...it's not gonna be a smash). Usually I'd try to write them down in the morning, but most of the time, they faded like dreams do.
On the occasion that they stuck for more than a few minutes, I'd repeat them over and over in my head, trying to figure out a way to write them down. But having no instruments, there really wasn't a way to equate what was in my head to paper. So they'd disappear.
Cut to today. I have been thinking a lot about the music for rites. We always joke that they end up like funeral dirges. So, I had a happy song in my head.
For the first time since 1997, I wrote a song. Actually, the chorus that gets repeated for the waters of life portion of the liturgy. I pulled up an online keyboard on my laptop and wrote it down before it fell away.
It's not a great song. In fact, it's pretty crappy...but it feels damned good to be able to try again after 12 years of feeling not good enough.
It's a pretty great high!!!
*hugs all around*
Also bonus points for folk who can tell me what my subject line is from.