Blarg (not a merry post)
I have done none of the things I said I would do in my post a while back.
I bought some ethically traded organic chocolate and then convinced my Granny to buy me like ten $.29 clearance crunch crisps for my b-day. I bought tide cause it was on sale and I had a coupon. I have not prayed before most meals or journaled at all.
So the random pledge thing didn't really work. Maybe it was too many. I couldn't even remember them all at once. I have been buying fruit and forcing myself to eat it even though I am not a big fan. I intend to develop a taste for it by sheer force of will. So for now my one baby step I can pay attention to is 5 serving of fruits or veggies a day. (I was recently thrilled to discover it was 5 of either/or, cause I had been trying for 5 of each.)
I am currently pricing various weight loss systems, supplements, and diets. I wouldn't consider most of them for a long time because I know I already have all the info I need to loose weight. I've decided that in this case information is not power. Perhaps the motivation of some hard earned money will help.
Also
I don't think I want kids. I mean I desperately want kids, but I have decided that wanting kids is not a good enough reason to have them. I think maybe I always wanted them because everyone said kids "gave them purpose/drive/passion/joy." That's too much pressure to put on somebody who is just trying to figure out how to be person.
Collectively Steve and I have the worst genes ever. We could literally have a half blind, obese, Hannibal Lecter that dies of heart disease or cancer before the authorities catch them. I mean that is worst case scenario, but best case may just be another miserable geek.
All we have to offer a kid is intelligence and creativity and some sort of sense of humor. And even if they manage to get all of our good qualities and none of the bad they still have to deal with us as parents. Quite frankly we are both crazy. There is a decent shot that either or both of us could have psychotic break at some point, and the other probably would not function properly after wards.
All I ever really wanted to give my kids was Jesus. I just don't know if can realistically do that, and I'm definitely not gonna put all my other crap on them if I can't show them how to give that burden to Christ.
Steve refuses to even here this, because he married a women obsessed with babies, and he thinks I will get over this. He is right I will probably get over this. It may just be a freak out due to my current spiritual and a emotional state. Plus I decided right after we got married that we wouldn't even consider trying for babies until I had lost at least 50 lbs and not smoked in six months, so as to have a healthy baby growing environment and such.
This may be my subconscious giving me an out so that if I continue to suck at life I don't feel as bad about not getting what I want.
I bought some ethically traded organic chocolate and then convinced my Granny to buy me like ten $.29 clearance crunch crisps for my b-day. I bought tide cause it was on sale and I had a coupon. I have not prayed before most meals or journaled at all.
So the random pledge thing didn't really work. Maybe it was too many. I couldn't even remember them all at once. I have been buying fruit and forcing myself to eat it even though I am not a big fan. I intend to develop a taste for it by sheer force of will. So for now my one baby step I can pay attention to is 5 serving of fruits or veggies a day. (I was recently thrilled to discover it was 5 of either/or, cause I had been trying for 5 of each.)
I am currently pricing various weight loss systems, supplements, and diets. I wouldn't consider most of them for a long time because I know I already have all the info I need to loose weight. I've decided that in this case information is not power. Perhaps the motivation of some hard earned money will help.
Also
I don't think I want kids. I mean I desperately want kids, but I have decided that wanting kids is not a good enough reason to have them. I think maybe I always wanted them because everyone said kids "gave them purpose/drive/passion/joy." That's too much pressure to put on somebody who is just trying to figure out how to be person.
Collectively Steve and I have the worst genes ever. We could literally have a half blind, obese, Hannibal Lecter that dies of heart disease or cancer before the authorities catch them. I mean that is worst case scenario, but best case may just be another miserable geek.
All we have to offer a kid is intelligence and creativity and some sort of sense of humor. And even if they manage to get all of our good qualities and none of the bad they still have to deal with us as parents. Quite frankly we are both crazy. There is a decent shot that either or both of us could have psychotic break at some point, and the other probably would not function properly after wards.
All I ever really wanted to give my kids was Jesus. I just don't know if can realistically do that, and I'm definitely not gonna put all my other crap on them if I can't show them how to give that burden to Christ.
Steve refuses to even here this, because he married a women obsessed with babies, and he thinks I will get over this. He is right I will probably get over this. It may just be a freak out due to my current spiritual and a emotional state. Plus I decided right after we got married that we wouldn't even consider trying for babies until I had lost at least 50 lbs and not smoked in six months, so as to have a healthy baby growing environment and such.
This may be my subconscious giving me an out so that if I continue to suck at life I don't feel as bad about not getting what I want.