Confessions, not of the Usher type
God, am I a whore?
I've been reading my journal to see what my life was like freshman year.
I went from Chris, to Justin, to David, to Gonzalo. Damned. I was desperate.
A lot of it made me giggle. It's fun reliving those moments. I remember the feelings but not so much the conversations.
I was head over heels for David. Damn. It was hard not to be at the time. I was lovesick, he was gorgeous, into the stuff I was, and kinda liked me back.
You know I've never really told anyone the truth about how Gonzalo and I started dating.
Leading up to March 12th (our anniversary) Gonzalo and I were getting close. I was talking to him online and on the phone a lot. But I was also talking to David a lot. Before then, I was still hanging on to David. The truth was in front of me: there was no way I was going to date this guy. His girlfriend was not leaving, and he was not leaving his girlfriend.
But I didn't want to let go.
And Gonzalo knew it. Sometimes during our conversations we would talk about David and how I felt. He knew I liked him. He asked. I said yes. Yes, I liked him. We would keep talking and it would pass.
Gonzalo was always there for me, truely.
I would talk to David to have fun, and to make me feel like I had love in my life, to fill that void that exists when you're not in love.
I talked to Gonzalo about feelings. About love. About trouble. About life. I went to him for all my problems with friends, family.. I was easy about the David subject because well... I knew he liked me.
But.. Did I like him..?
Hm. Something for me to contemplate.
Slowly I found myself not waiting for David online, but waiting for Gonzalo. Waiting for Gonzalo to call, to text. (Now he tells me when he would come back from work from Positano's at like 11 and stay until 3 just to talk, he was always half asleep but wanted to stay up to talk to me)
Soon... the dating thing came up.
He never flat out asked.
To tell the truth, he never has asked. To this day.
He hinted at it. (This was before the 12th) No, I said. I'm not ready. I'm not over David yet. I need time. I need time to let go.
I had a lot of emotions attached to David. I mean, that was a good, long time of watching and waiting right there. From the first day I had seen him to the last time we hugged, that "best day ever" I had... I have to repost it cause it's just.. I dunno. It shows how I felt at the time. What I needed to break away from.
LJ entry from March 3rd, 2005.
Today is officially like, the best fucking day ever.
It was really cold out. Really cold. I had two long sleeve shirts on and a comfy hoodie but I was still cold. That morning I waited for David outside cos I told him yesterday I'd give him my collar for measurements for the collar he's making me... I didn't end up seeing him so I gave Gonzalo the collar instead.
In history we're watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon which is surprisingly good!
Lunch was the best. Best lunch I've had this year. You can't really call it a lunch cause I didn't eat anything but some Reeses Pieces David bought me and chips, and a Pepsi. So I basically didn't eat all day. So anyways, I saw David outside girlfriend-less so I headed over. He forced me to buy food and me, him, and this other nice girl Jasmine hung outside for a while. It was really cold. But that's okay. I felt warm on the inside :3
Highlight #1
He was talking to Jasmine, facing her, then he turns around and says, "I love you, Britt!" in a playful way. My heart probably freaking jumped but I don't remember. Of course I told him, "I love you too David!"
So we went inside eventually (Or into David's "office" as he called it) and there we met Gonzalo. We stood and talked the entire time and it was fucking fun.
Highlight #2
Somehow Gonzalo and David got talking about man boobs which got really nasty... So I went to put my hand over Gonzalo's mouth but he ran, so I went behind David and put my hand on his mouth.. Next thing I know.. He's licking my hand!! He was trying to get me off. I started yelling and pulled off and then wiped his spit all over his face.
Unfortunately lunch had to end so we went outside.. Somehow we got talking about vampires...
Highlight #3 and #4
So I stood on my tiptoes and bit his shoulder! He screamed and it was quite funny. I told him he was too tall and I couldn't get a good grip on him. Soon he was kneeling to my level, so I bit him again!
So much fun <3
So he had to leave to his class, I gave him a hug and then we headed to my class and I talked to Gonzalo for a while.
Fuuuuuun dayyyy! That bitch Miles tried to ruin my day cause she's just a bitch and does that bitchy stuff, but she couldn't bring me down today!
I don't even have to stay at my dad's tonight!!! <3 <3
Wow.
Anyways. He kept asking, "Are you ready?" No, wasn't ready yet.
I felt bad. What do I do? Do I date this guy, say yes, just to make him happy? Get over David while dating him? No. Couldn't do it. What if he found out? He was a great guy, I didn't want to hurt him.
Then came the 12th.
I remember that night. We were online, talking. Yes, as un-romantic as that sounds, it happened on AIM. (I lied about that to my mom, friends.. Just thought over the phone sounded better. So stupid then) All of a sudden, he just says, "Britt, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you!!!" And I don't remember the exact words, but went on to tell me how he loves the way I am and everything. Something clicked.. And I told him I loved him too.
Then, I don't think I was in love with him. I don't really remember what happened after then, all I remember was that I was shaking, blushing and smiling. (He later told me he was shaking like crazy that night) I remember the night that I think I fell in love with him. Don't remember how much longer it was than March 12th. But I know it was the night we went to Gators with my mom, Zak, and my uncles. We were playing pool. Had a great time. Came home and watched tv downstairs. I probably said something stupid to get him upset. I think I ended up crying. Ended up apologizing and talking.. So many emotions. It was getting late when we had to force ourselves to part. I basically had to shove him out against BOTH of our wills because we didn't want to leave. Had one of my most passionate kisses that night.. sorry about that line, but it was important. I remember walking up my stairs and going in my room, sitting down, and just thinking, "I'm in love." That was the point.
I wish I would have saved that AIM conversation from March 12th. I would love to have it.
March 12th was a Saturday. I wouldn't see him till the 13th.
March 14th, had my first kiss. Our first time seen in public as a couple, and we were never apart from then on. Whenever somebody saw either of us, the other was there, holding their hand.
I was still getting over David. Gonzalo took most of my thoughts now, but of course there was still that feeling. Did I do the right thing? Pick the right guy? Once David finds out, there's no way I could get him, even if I break up with Gonzalo.
I don't remember if it was the 13th or the 14th, but Gonzalo called me to say good night. He sounded weird. I asked what was wrong. He was like, "Well, I was just talking to David and told him that we were dating. He paused and after a while just said, '... Congratulations.' and sounded weird. He told me he guessed he kind of liked you." Mmmmmmm. Sting to the heart. Confirmation. David had liked me. After all that wondering about his girlfriend...
Me: ".. That's weird. Why would he act that way?"
Gonzalo: (Obviously hurt) "I don't know." (He was good friends with David. Probably disappointed he wasn't happy for him)
He said other things that made me think he was questioning this.
Me: "Well.. What do you want to do? Do you want to call it off?"
Please say no. I don't.
Gonzalo: "No! No.. I don't."
Good. Sigh of relief.
I don't remember the rest. Probably just decided to see what would happen with David.
I remember the last big encounter with him was the Interpol concert... Had a few stomach twists because of that old feeling, but nothing serious. Gonzalo was just... too right.
I loved Gonzalo before I fell in love with him. He was always there. I could talk to him. He kept me close. He gave me that warmth and comfort I was craving.. To just be close to someone, to feel needed, wanted. Thank God he's affectionate. That's what I needed. When I was in my angry "Fuck the world" teenager days...
That's all I wanted.
Now I can't live without him now that I'm in love. It bothers me when he's not here. My hand's empty. The couch is too light. It's too quiet. "What do I do with myself?" is what I ask myself a lot. I bake. Most often. Or cook. I think about our future, I think about him, what he's doing. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. He's so busy. He works every day. Not an exaggeration. Gets up at 6. Thankfully won't be starting school till January.
I'm happy it's Gonzalo. I know I have a future with him. It was kind of settling later to find out David was into weed and things I wasn't. Such a turn off to me. Gonzalo and I have never had a fight where we've stopped talking to each other for a long time. Sure we have arguements, doesn't everybody? We just fit each other.
So.. Am I a whore? My supposed "best day ever" was only 9 days before the day Gonzalo and I started dating.
Looking back on the LJ's, I think I was hiding my feelings for Gonzalo. It would be weird to obsess over David and all of a sudden be like "OMG GONZALO" you know? Girl things. Kind of like what I did with the transition from Chris to David.. Breaking off with Chris hurt me a lot, so I covered it up with David. Stopped talking about Chris, started with David.
So then all of a sudden on the 12th, that LJ post.. "Funny how the heart changes".. Was my transition.
David was over. Now it's Gonzalo. And it still is, and will be. Continue to be.. Forever? I should think so. But again, I did think some weird things before.
I need to sleep. I've got a big day tomorrow... er, today.
Quote from LJ post on March 20th, 2005:
"I love him so much. I can't imagine what it'll be like 2 years from now when I'm a junior and he's gone and in college... I can't imagine school, or hell, even a daily life without him there."
Well Britt, we'll see in 4 days.
I've been reading my journal to see what my life was like freshman year.
I went from Chris, to Justin, to David, to Gonzalo. Damned. I was desperate.
A lot of it made me giggle. It's fun reliving those moments. I remember the feelings but not so much the conversations.
I was head over heels for David. Damn. It was hard not to be at the time. I was lovesick, he was gorgeous, into the stuff I was, and kinda liked me back.
You know I've never really told anyone the truth about how Gonzalo and I started dating.
Leading up to March 12th (our anniversary) Gonzalo and I were getting close. I was talking to him online and on the phone a lot. But I was also talking to David a lot. Before then, I was still hanging on to David. The truth was in front of me: there was no way I was going to date this guy. His girlfriend was not leaving, and he was not leaving his girlfriend.
But I didn't want to let go.
And Gonzalo knew it. Sometimes during our conversations we would talk about David and how I felt. He knew I liked him. He asked. I said yes. Yes, I liked him. We would keep talking and it would pass.
Gonzalo was always there for me, truely.
I would talk to David to have fun, and to make me feel like I had love in my life, to fill that void that exists when you're not in love.
I talked to Gonzalo about feelings. About love. About trouble. About life. I went to him for all my problems with friends, family.. I was easy about the David subject because well... I knew he liked me.
But.. Did I like him..?
Hm. Something for me to contemplate.
Slowly I found myself not waiting for David online, but waiting for Gonzalo. Waiting for Gonzalo to call, to text. (Now he tells me when he would come back from work from Positano's at like 11 and stay until 3 just to talk, he was always half asleep but wanted to stay up to talk to me)
Soon... the dating thing came up.
He never flat out asked.
To tell the truth, he never has asked. To this day.
He hinted at it. (This was before the 12th) No, I said. I'm not ready. I'm not over David yet. I need time. I need time to let go.
I had a lot of emotions attached to David. I mean, that was a good, long time of watching and waiting right there. From the first day I had seen him to the last time we hugged, that "best day ever" I had... I have to repost it cause it's just.. I dunno. It shows how I felt at the time. What I needed to break away from.
LJ entry from March 3rd, 2005.
Today is officially like, the best fucking day ever.
It was really cold out. Really cold. I had two long sleeve shirts on and a comfy hoodie but I was still cold. That morning I waited for David outside cos I told him yesterday I'd give him my collar for measurements for the collar he's making me... I didn't end up seeing him so I gave Gonzalo the collar instead.
In history we're watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon which is surprisingly good!
Lunch was the best. Best lunch I've had this year. You can't really call it a lunch cause I didn't eat anything but some Reeses Pieces David bought me and chips, and a Pepsi. So I basically didn't eat all day. So anyways, I saw David outside girlfriend-less so I headed over. He forced me to buy food and me, him, and this other nice girl Jasmine hung outside for a while. It was really cold. But that's okay. I felt warm on the inside :3
Highlight #1
He was talking to Jasmine, facing her, then he turns around and says, "I love you, Britt!" in a playful way. My heart probably freaking jumped but I don't remember. Of course I told him, "I love you too David!"
So we went inside eventually (Or into David's "office" as he called it) and there we met Gonzalo. We stood and talked the entire time and it was fucking fun.
Highlight #2
Somehow Gonzalo and David got talking about man boobs which got really nasty... So I went to put my hand over Gonzalo's mouth but he ran, so I went behind David and put my hand on his mouth.. Next thing I know.. He's licking my hand!! He was trying to get me off. I started yelling and pulled off and then wiped his spit all over his face.
Unfortunately lunch had to end so we went outside.. Somehow we got talking about vampires...
Highlight #3 and #4
So I stood on my tiptoes and bit his shoulder! He screamed and it was quite funny. I told him he was too tall and I couldn't get a good grip on him. Soon he was kneeling to my level, so I bit him again!
So much fun <3
So he had to leave to his class, I gave him a hug and then we headed to my class and I talked to Gonzalo for a while.
Fuuuuuun dayyyy! That bitch Miles tried to ruin my day cause she's just a bitch and does that bitchy stuff, but she couldn't bring me down today!
I don't even have to stay at my dad's tonight!!! <3 <3
Wow.
Anyways. He kept asking, "Are you ready?" No, wasn't ready yet.
I felt bad. What do I do? Do I date this guy, say yes, just to make him happy? Get over David while dating him? No. Couldn't do it. What if he found out? He was a great guy, I didn't want to hurt him.
Then came the 12th.
I remember that night. We were online, talking. Yes, as un-romantic as that sounds, it happened on AIM. (I lied about that to my mom, friends.. Just thought over the phone sounded better. So stupid then) All of a sudden, he just says, "Britt, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you!!!" And I don't remember the exact words, but went on to tell me how he loves the way I am and everything. Something clicked.. And I told him I loved him too.
Then, I don't think I was in love with him. I don't really remember what happened after then, all I remember was that I was shaking, blushing and smiling. (He later told me he was shaking like crazy that night) I remember the night that I think I fell in love with him. Don't remember how much longer it was than March 12th. But I know it was the night we went to Gators with my mom, Zak, and my uncles. We were playing pool. Had a great time. Came home and watched tv downstairs. I probably said something stupid to get him upset. I think I ended up crying. Ended up apologizing and talking.. So many emotions. It was getting late when we had to force ourselves to part. I basically had to shove him out against BOTH of our wills because we didn't want to leave. Had one of my most passionate kisses that night.. sorry about that line, but it was important. I remember walking up my stairs and going in my room, sitting down, and just thinking, "I'm in love." That was the point.
I wish I would have saved that AIM conversation from March 12th. I would love to have it.
March 12th was a Saturday. I wouldn't see him till the 13th.
March 14th, had my first kiss. Our first time seen in public as a couple, and we were never apart from then on. Whenever somebody saw either of us, the other was there, holding their hand.
I was still getting over David. Gonzalo took most of my thoughts now, but of course there was still that feeling. Did I do the right thing? Pick the right guy? Once David finds out, there's no way I could get him, even if I break up with Gonzalo.
I don't remember if it was the 13th or the 14th, but Gonzalo called me to say good night. He sounded weird. I asked what was wrong. He was like, "Well, I was just talking to David and told him that we were dating. He paused and after a while just said, '... Congratulations.' and sounded weird. He told me he guessed he kind of liked you." Mmmmmmm. Sting to the heart. Confirmation. David had liked me. After all that wondering about his girlfriend...
Me: ".. That's weird. Why would he act that way?"
Gonzalo: (Obviously hurt) "I don't know." (He was good friends with David. Probably disappointed he wasn't happy for him)
He said other things that made me think he was questioning this.
Me: "Well.. What do you want to do? Do you want to call it off?"
Please say no. I don't.
Gonzalo: "No! No.. I don't."
Good. Sigh of relief.
I don't remember the rest. Probably just decided to see what would happen with David.
I remember the last big encounter with him was the Interpol concert... Had a few stomach twists because of that old feeling, but nothing serious. Gonzalo was just... too right.
I loved Gonzalo before I fell in love with him. He was always there. I could talk to him. He kept me close. He gave me that warmth and comfort I was craving.. To just be close to someone, to feel needed, wanted. Thank God he's affectionate. That's what I needed. When I was in my angry "Fuck the world" teenager days...
That's all I wanted.
Now I can't live without him now that I'm in love. It bothers me when he's not here. My hand's empty. The couch is too light. It's too quiet. "What do I do with myself?" is what I ask myself a lot. I bake. Most often. Or cook. I think about our future, I think about him, what he's doing. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. He's so busy. He works every day. Not an exaggeration. Gets up at 6. Thankfully won't be starting school till January.
I'm happy it's Gonzalo. I know I have a future with him. It was kind of settling later to find out David was into weed and things I wasn't. Such a turn off to me. Gonzalo and I have never had a fight where we've stopped talking to each other for a long time. Sure we have arguements, doesn't everybody? We just fit each other.
So.. Am I a whore? My supposed "best day ever" was only 9 days before the day Gonzalo and I started dating.
Looking back on the LJ's, I think I was hiding my feelings for Gonzalo. It would be weird to obsess over David and all of a sudden be like "OMG GONZALO" you know? Girl things. Kind of like what I did with the transition from Chris to David.. Breaking off with Chris hurt me a lot, so I covered it up with David. Stopped talking about Chris, started with David.
So then all of a sudden on the 12th, that LJ post.. "Funny how the heart changes".. Was my transition.
David was over. Now it's Gonzalo. And it still is, and will be. Continue to be.. Forever? I should think so. But again, I did think some weird things before.
I need to sleep. I've got a big day tomorrow... er, today.
Quote from LJ post on March 20th, 2005:
"I love him so much. I can't imagine what it'll be like 2 years from now when I'm a junior and he's gone and in college... I can't imagine school, or hell, even a daily life without him there."
Well Britt, we'll see in 4 days.