(no subject)
So last night at 10:00 before we were getting ready to go to bed early because we were going to St. Augustine today, my mom says, "Britt, we need to talk. There's something that's been bothering me."
Immediately I just think, Oh shit. What did she find out that she's not supposed to?
"Your dad was happy to tell me that you think I'm going to forget I have another daughter besides Juli."
Oh God. He fucking told her. That night at Gator's. I should have known I can't talk to my own father without him spilling all my secrets like an 8 year old.
So we talked about the situation and how I feel about Juli. Of course I'm a mess of tears because I'm such a pussy. Mom said Juli has been noticing I'm acting different... Well, it's kinda obvious and I kinda figured that since she's always like, "Are you okay?" and all that crap. She said she and Trip noticed I haven't looked at either of them much since they've announced the pregnancy or really talk to her and be quiet. She thinks it's the pills.
She thought I was jealous of the baby or something. I'm not. I disagree with her timing and her personality. The baby has no fault whatsoever. Her timing... there's nothing we can do about that. But how greedy she's being wanting everything and buying everything when she has no money, but still asks us for help.. she has such big balls, you know?
Why I said I think she's going to forget about me is all financial. She buys things for her often, she always has. She's always spoiled us (And I don't think it's made me act spoiled, but Juli... she seems to expect it). I said like the time she had to return the overalls, she bought $50 worth of more clothes and gave them to her for no reason. I told her, fine, you bought something, but don't just give them to her. Maybe give her one thing, wait a few weeks, then send her the other. It'll stretch it out. Don't buy her as much stuff, she's just gonna grow out of it. And when she gets pregnant again... She's gonna want new shit.
She shops to fill the void that Trip leaves in her. She craves attention, and that's why she acts like this (acting 9 months pregnant when she has no belly, being overdramatic, etc). I don't want to feed her that attention. I don't want to buy her things to feed her guilt. It's against my morals. And that's why I don't act excited, that's why I don't talk to her. I'm that disappointed in her.
So now she understands... An hour and a half later.
She comes to the conclusion that we need to talk to Juli. We can't. She overreacts normally, and then hormonal and extra emotional? She'd blow up and we'd never hear from her. I don't mind if she just gets mad at me and wants to ignore me.. Well, I do kinda mind.. But wherever I am, Mom is. So my mom wouldn't see her as often, and I'd rather deal with it than separate them. Plus, I get embarrassed so easily and me crying whenever we have conversations like this.. I don't want to do that. Plus, what do I say? I can't tell her I'm disappointed in her timing, her greed, her cravings for attention. That would piss her off. Mom said maybe ask her if she's happy with Trip. She'd just lie. She doesn't wanna admit she made a mistake with him.
*Sighs* All and all it was okay. I could tell things have been uneasy with her lately and I've been wondering what it was. It loosened things up a lot for today, our trip to St. Augustine...
I set my alarm for like, 8:30, but I didn't know it was set to PM. I got woken up by Gonzalo calling me at 9 because I told him I'd be leaving then. Good thing.
I drove there... Long drive. 2 hours on highways. Boring. I have more experience on highways than actual roads. I get my liscence August 2nd... I'm nervous. Really nervous about parallel parking. Everything else I'm sure I can do...
Spent like, 100 dollars. Everything I bought was cat stuff XD I'm obsessed. But it's all so cute... I don't usually just buy that stuff but that's all I liked.
It was kinda hot. Didn't get burned, which was good. We left around 3:30 which is kinda early but we were done. I think maybe my mom wanted to stay more but she left to be nice... I feel kinda bad. But the rest of the stores were scattered around and it was only getting hotter... Bleh. We can always go back. We have Sarasota this weekend anyway with my sister...
I'm really nervous about tomorrow. Gotta get up early again to get my schedule from school. I'm praying I don't get Mr. Kenny. I don't know if I wanna deal with the process of switching to AP then, and having to go back to my English II teacher and be like, "you were right, I shoulda taken AP..." Then what if that's a lot of work and I have AP Calc on top of that... Gah. Maybe I can switch some other classes around. And I hope I have lunch with my friends. If not... I'm going to go crazy this year. Absolutely fucking crazy.
Wish me luck...
Immediately I just think, Oh shit. What did she find out that she's not supposed to?
"Your dad was happy to tell me that you think I'm going to forget I have another daughter besides Juli."
Oh God. He fucking told her. That night at Gator's. I should have known I can't talk to my own father without him spilling all my secrets like an 8 year old.
So we talked about the situation and how I feel about Juli. Of course I'm a mess of tears because I'm such a pussy. Mom said Juli has been noticing I'm acting different... Well, it's kinda obvious and I kinda figured that since she's always like, "Are you okay?" and all that crap. She said she and Trip noticed I haven't looked at either of them much since they've announced the pregnancy or really talk to her and be quiet. She thinks it's the pills.
She thought I was jealous of the baby or something. I'm not. I disagree with her timing and her personality. The baby has no fault whatsoever. Her timing... there's nothing we can do about that. But how greedy she's being wanting everything and buying everything when she has no money, but still asks us for help.. she has such big balls, you know?
Why I said I think she's going to forget about me is all financial. She buys things for her often, she always has. She's always spoiled us (And I don't think it's made me act spoiled, but Juli... she seems to expect it). I said like the time she had to return the overalls, she bought $50 worth of more clothes and gave them to her for no reason. I told her, fine, you bought something, but don't just give them to her. Maybe give her one thing, wait a few weeks, then send her the other. It'll stretch it out. Don't buy her as much stuff, she's just gonna grow out of it. And when she gets pregnant again... She's gonna want new shit.
She shops to fill the void that Trip leaves in her. She craves attention, and that's why she acts like this (acting 9 months pregnant when she has no belly, being overdramatic, etc). I don't want to feed her that attention. I don't want to buy her things to feed her guilt. It's against my morals. And that's why I don't act excited, that's why I don't talk to her. I'm that disappointed in her.
So now she understands... An hour and a half later.
She comes to the conclusion that we need to talk to Juli. We can't. She overreacts normally, and then hormonal and extra emotional? She'd blow up and we'd never hear from her. I don't mind if she just gets mad at me and wants to ignore me.. Well, I do kinda mind.. But wherever I am, Mom is. So my mom wouldn't see her as often, and I'd rather deal with it than separate them. Plus, I get embarrassed so easily and me crying whenever we have conversations like this.. I don't want to do that. Plus, what do I say? I can't tell her I'm disappointed in her timing, her greed, her cravings for attention. That would piss her off. Mom said maybe ask her if she's happy with Trip. She'd just lie. She doesn't wanna admit she made a mistake with him.
*Sighs* All and all it was okay. I could tell things have been uneasy with her lately and I've been wondering what it was. It loosened things up a lot for today, our trip to St. Augustine...
I set my alarm for like, 8:30, but I didn't know it was set to PM. I got woken up by Gonzalo calling me at 9 because I told him I'd be leaving then. Good thing.
I drove there... Long drive. 2 hours on highways. Boring. I have more experience on highways than actual roads. I get my liscence August 2nd... I'm nervous. Really nervous about parallel parking. Everything else I'm sure I can do...
Spent like, 100 dollars. Everything I bought was cat stuff XD I'm obsessed. But it's all so cute... I don't usually just buy that stuff but that's all I liked.
It was kinda hot. Didn't get burned, which was good. We left around 3:30 which is kinda early but we were done. I think maybe my mom wanted to stay more but she left to be nice... I feel kinda bad. But the rest of the stores were scattered around and it was only getting hotter... Bleh. We can always go back. We have Sarasota this weekend anyway with my sister...
I'm really nervous about tomorrow. Gotta get up early again to get my schedule from school. I'm praying I don't get Mr. Kenny. I don't know if I wanna deal with the process of switching to AP then, and having to go back to my English II teacher and be like, "you were right, I shoulda taken AP..." Then what if that's a lot of work and I have AP Calc on top of that... Gah. Maybe I can switch some other classes around. And I hope I have lunch with my friends. If not... I'm going to go crazy this year. Absolutely fucking crazy.
Wish me luck...