(no subject)
I'm feeling dissatisfied with life.
Maybe 'dissatisfied' is too strong a word. I'm feeling 'happy-in-the-important-parts-of-life-like-Monica-and-school-but-feeling-like-I-have-no-community-and-no-place-in-any-recognized-social-circle'.
Here's the real deal: Monica borrowed season 1 of The L Word from a friend and I totally feel in love with it. And now that we've finished watching it and it has gone back to it's owner, I realize there's a giant hole in my life -- no it's not the show (although the show is good), it's a feeling of community of friendship of belonging to an organization of people in which your presence is integral and should you move or die or suffer a head injury which results in complete amnesia, you could not easily be replaced, if at all.
I love Monica and she's absolutely the one I want to be with, but I'm missing other important things. I don't have any friends except the ones I leech off Monica. I don't have any peers except the people at school. Not to discount the importance of any of these people, but it's just not enough right now. All the lesbians I've seen in Toledo are too old or too young or too gross to even have a casual friendship with. I feel almost as isolated from the gay community as I did in high school. Not that I'm oh so great at meeting people ... when I started law school it was such a relief to now have an excuse for not going out and feeling like a loser -- I simply didn't have time for it. I had to work, I had to study, I had to go to school, I had to ... do something else.
In a way I feel like I've lost my lesbian identity, I lost it a long time ago -- left it in Ann Arbor maybe. I don't know.
Maybe 'dissatisfied' is too strong a word. I'm feeling 'happy-in-the-important-parts-of-life-like-Monica-and-school-but-feeling-like-I-have-no-community-and-no-place-in-any-recognized-social-circle'.
Here's the real deal: Monica borrowed season 1 of The L Word from a friend and I totally feel in love with it. And now that we've finished watching it and it has gone back to it's owner, I realize there's a giant hole in my life -- no it's not the show (although the show is good), it's a feeling of community of friendship of belonging to an organization of people in which your presence is integral and should you move or die or suffer a head injury which results in complete amnesia, you could not easily be replaced, if at all.
I love Monica and she's absolutely the one I want to be with, but I'm missing other important things. I don't have any friends except the ones I leech off Monica. I don't have any peers except the people at school. Not to discount the importance of any of these people, but it's just not enough right now. All the lesbians I've seen in Toledo are too old or too young or too gross to even have a casual friendship with. I feel almost as isolated from the gay community as I did in high school. Not that I'm oh so great at meeting people ... when I started law school it was such a relief to now have an excuse for not going out and feeling like a loser -- I simply didn't have time for it. I had to work, I had to study, I had to go to school, I had to ... do something else.
In a way I feel like I've lost my lesbian identity, I lost it a long time ago -- left it in Ann Arbor maybe. I don't know.