I am a repeatative person...
It feels as if no matter what I do, I repeat the same things I do in the past. I feel like a complete fuck up. I'm afraid I lost my financial aid for school because of attendence. Yes I missed 2 weeks from being sick, however there are many other days where I wake up and just didn't feel like going. I've also had days where I sleep in. Now add the numerous days I have left early. The first 3 months of school I was doing great, I missed a week then from bronchitis. However I am slowly doing what I did in college. I'm slowly just not going to school. It's getting worse. I don't know if it's from my depression, anxiety, or being just plain lazy and irresponsible. Now I have to explain to my father what is going on. Not something I am exactly excited to do. In fact I am terrified of his reaction. I've gone thorugh it before, and I only imagine it to get worse. I'm fighting with myself now to go to school tomorrow, but I am so scared I will find out I lost financial aid. If I've lost financial aid I have no clue how I will come up with $6500 for th rest of my tuition. I also do not feel I will graduate by my set graduation date. It's overwhelming how many hours I have to make up. I don't want to tell my parents because of fear of dissapointing them. I've dissapointed them this way before, and I know it breaks their hearts every time. With the way everything is going, I'm not sure I'll be able to complete cosmotology school. I love cosmotology, but I can't seem to get through any type of school.
I've let myself sink into such a deep hole, I do not know how to pull myself out of it. I don't know how to get up and face the day any more. I don't even know how or why I let myself get this far again. I told myself I wouldn't do this crap again. Here I am though, same fuck up different day. How does one tell their parents they are a total screw up?
I can't do this anymore. I'm destroying myself slowly day by day and I can't stop. I want to stop, but I can't. I need help, I know I do. But if I get help it feels like I am admitting to defeat. How does one fail at life when I have had so little experience? I do it over and over again. I just want to curl up and sleep never to wake again. Don't worried, I won't end my life. I don't desire death. Just peace and calm. The thoughts in my head are getting ever so loud. Any day now I am going to crumble and crack. Everything seems to be falling apart around me. I can't control anything anymore and I hate it. I hate being like this, but I can't pull myself out. I don't know how anymore. I want to be happy again. Not even necessarily happy, but content. Though that would in the end make me happy because if I would be happy to be content.
Sorry for the long blog, but I had to put it down somewhere. Now to figure out how to tell the parents...
I've let myself sink into such a deep hole, I do not know how to pull myself out of it. I don't know how to get up and face the day any more. I don't even know how or why I let myself get this far again. I told myself I wouldn't do this crap again. Here I am though, same fuck up different day. How does one tell their parents they are a total screw up?
I can't do this anymore. I'm destroying myself slowly day by day and I can't stop. I want to stop, but I can't. I need help, I know I do. But if I get help it feels like I am admitting to defeat. How does one fail at life when I have had so little experience? I do it over and over again. I just want to curl up and sleep never to wake again. Don't worried, I won't end my life. I don't desire death. Just peace and calm. The thoughts in my head are getting ever so loud. Any day now I am going to crumble and crack. Everything seems to be falling apart around me. I can't control anything anymore and I hate it. I hate being like this, but I can't pull myself out. I don't know how anymore. I want to be happy again. Not even necessarily happy, but content. Though that would in the end make me happy because if I would be happy to be content.
Sorry for the long blog, but I had to put it down somewhere. Now to figure out how to tell the parents...