dreaming
I am so incredibly tired. I couldn't sleep at all last night an as I sit here in class not paying attention to the the thyroid drugs being discussed I am either fighting sleep or remembering why I couldn't sleep in the first place.
It keeps replaying in my mind, some nights all I can see when I close my eyes are the last hours I had with my dad, and how I wish they would have gone so differently. I watched through this a numb haze as they did CPR on the floor of my parents bedroom, I continued to watch as they loaded him into an ambulance to take him to the hospital not even 15 blocks away.
I stayed behind.
I cleaned up the house some, and tried to erase the evidence of my father's sickness from the carpet.
I called my mom to ask if she wanted me to bring her car behind her and numbly took her advice to let my neighbor drive me, he was already dead, she didn't want to tell me over the phone.
I got to the emergency room, I had books, an iPod, a laptop, all the usual effects for a long emergency room wait. I thought this would be just like the other times, he would be in for a day or few then we could take him home and keep working on his health.
When the emergency room doors slid open and I saw my older sister standing there looking at me with tears rolling down her face and purely agonized grief on her face.
For a second I couldn't hear or feel anything, for a second I couldn't think. I knew what happened. I looked to my mom, she looked as numb as I had and then I was in the room and there he was and my world shattered and the pieces are still scattered around my feet.
It keeps replaying in my mind, some nights all I can see when I close my eyes are the last hours I had with my dad, and how I wish they would have gone so differently. I watched through this a numb haze as they did CPR on the floor of my parents bedroom, I continued to watch as they loaded him into an ambulance to take him to the hospital not even 15 blocks away.
I stayed behind.
I cleaned up the house some, and tried to erase the evidence of my father's sickness from the carpet.
I called my mom to ask if she wanted me to bring her car behind her and numbly took her advice to let my neighbor drive me, he was already dead, she didn't want to tell me over the phone.
I got to the emergency room, I had books, an iPod, a laptop, all the usual effects for a long emergency room wait. I thought this would be just like the other times, he would be in for a day or few then we could take him home and keep working on his health.
When the emergency room doors slid open and I saw my older sister standing there looking at me with tears rolling down her face and purely agonized grief on her face.
For a second I couldn't hear or feel anything, for a second I couldn't think. I knew what happened. I looked to my mom, she looked as numb as I had and then I was in the room and there he was and my world shattered and the pieces are still scattered around my feet.