(no subject)
oh shit, i figured it out. i've had so many different friends in my life. but no best friends. and now i know why. i never ask anyone to do anything with me or call them or anything because i'm too shy and insecure. i don't want to seem like someone who's always following people around like an idiot, but it bites you in the ass. i have no social experience. i didn't have anyone i could really call a friend until grade three, and by grade nine they ignored me until i gave up on them. then some people tried rescuing me from them, but they were no better. i got drunk with them a month ago and i haven't seen them since. there are people in my life now who i can say are really good friends. but what the hell do i do when they're years older than me or live on the other side of the world? i wish people in my school could like me, or rather that i could learn to like people in my school. i know there are some cool people there, but i've fucked everything up with what seems like snobbishness. but it's insecurity. damn insecurity. and i know that now but it doesn't fix anything.
i've always said that i was different from everyone else here. i never tried to act that way, but i just did what felt right to me and that's what happened. i like that i'm me, and i know other people respect that, but when you can't even get a boyfriend because you don't think anyone would ever think to like you because of it, it sucks. it really sucks.
there are a couple of people i can think of in particular... they would just talk to me randomly in the halls and i'd get all scared and cold because i thought that the only reason they would ever even talk to me was so they could, i don't know, make fun of me afterwards. or something.
and then you find other people you can actually talk to and have things in common with, but fuck it all up there too.
i want to start over here, but i can't. i have no experience with anything. i have no real life experiences.
perhaps i should drink more.