General rant
For the purposes of people who are in good moods that do not require spoiling,
I'm not as good at expressing myself as a lot of people I know so when I get into bad, low states like this I have a lot of trouble telling people why. Someone told me I was like an oyster once. Hard and shut up and silent for ages and ages until something changes in my surroundings to make me open up a crack. So I tend to sulk and fester and keep what I really think to myself. It's not particularly a good thing or a bad thing, it's just the way that my life has shaped me. Sometime's it's just safer to keep shtum and hide than let people see how you honestly feel.
So here is how I honestly feel. Or an attempt at it.
Today I've been very low, I've had all sort of doubts niggling away and not much in the way of answers. I still feel very bad about how I look, my weight and so on. People have told me I'm just curvy or whatever, but I do not like how I am at the moment, I do not like being able to pinch a handful of fat, sometimes I just want to claw and tear away at my body. I've tried to shift weight a few times, and failed each, which has just...gradually worn me lower. To the point I'm at now, which is being...unhappy with my figure but without the self-belief to think I can change it any more. To be honest I do not think I'm worth the effort any more.
Another problem for me at the moment is art. I think the two are partly linked. I don't have much confidence in what I might be able to do, I don't know where I'm headed in terms of...Uni, career or anything like that. The part few days I've tried to start several mini projects, but each has just fizzled out within a few hours or days. I've also found out that we're studying "contempory, conceptual" art at school for the next year rather than anything realistic. Random sculptures made of junk etc. Which is an unappealing prospect for me.
I feel lost, confused and very unhappy right now. I don't know what will make me feel better or what to do about it.
I'm not as good at expressing myself as a lot of people I know so when I get into bad, low states like this I have a lot of trouble telling people why. Someone told me I was like an oyster once. Hard and shut up and silent for ages and ages until something changes in my surroundings to make me open up a crack. So I tend to sulk and fester and keep what I really think to myself. It's not particularly a good thing or a bad thing, it's just the way that my life has shaped me. Sometime's it's just safer to keep shtum and hide than let people see how you honestly feel.
So here is how I honestly feel. Or an attempt at it.
Today I've been very low, I've had all sort of doubts niggling away and not much in the way of answers. I still feel very bad about how I look, my weight and so on. People have told me I'm just curvy or whatever, but I do not like how I am at the moment, I do not like being able to pinch a handful of fat, sometimes I just want to claw and tear away at my body. I've tried to shift weight a few times, and failed each, which has just...gradually worn me lower. To the point I'm at now, which is being...unhappy with my figure but without the self-belief to think I can change it any more. To be honest I do not think I'm worth the effort any more.
Another problem for me at the moment is art. I think the two are partly linked. I don't have much confidence in what I might be able to do, I don't know where I'm headed in terms of...Uni, career or anything like that. The part few days I've tried to start several mini projects, but each has just fizzled out within a few hours or days. I've also found out that we're studying "contempory, conceptual" art at school for the next year rather than anything realistic. Random sculptures made of junk etc. Which is an unappealing prospect for me.
I feel lost, confused and very unhappy right now. I don't know what will make me feel better or what to do about it.