Traveling like a bullet through paper...
Its been a long time. Probably too long. I'm not sure what I feel about that, as my early motivations for writing here are not applicable. To be honest, looking back, I don't know why I did a lot of things in my life. There have been decisions in my life that continue to haunt me today. Some of which cause me great shame, especially to those that I care about deeply. I don't want to show that side to them, which as caused me to make even more mistakes. Heh. Snowball effect. I can't take those things back, but maybe those affected will forgive me someday.
Looking into myself, I wonder at a lot of things. The opportunities missed, rocky friendships, love lost. Work, family, happiness. I could list things for quite some time, but it doesn't change anything. It seems no matter how hard I try, I continue to take a dagger to my leg. And when it heals, I just stab myself again in the same spot. Leaving me in a cycle of self-destruction that I cannot escape. Or can I? Maybe its that I don't want to, however much I say otherwise.
I've run from things in my life. I'm not proud of it. There is a checkered past that will eventually catch up to me. Will I be ready for it? I don't know. I find myself preparing to run again. The possibility of starting over, yet again. Will I be missed? Maybe, but perhaps not for long. I'm not one who can say for sure. It'll bring up old hurts, many that have left scars. But if its meant to be, it shall.
But all is not lost. There is happiness to be found after all. All I have to do is reach out and hold it in my hands. Then wrap my arms around it and hope it never gets away. I'll reach the manifestation of this happiness; the one who gives it to me. It radiates from them, like heat from a furnace, threatening to burn me. But the pain feels so good. It'll a treacherous journey, but it is one that I intend to see through to the end. For the feeling I have inside of me, is one that I've never felt so fierce before. Keen, crisp, and clear. I will fight for it. And it will be mine.
The one who grants me this happiness? Her name is Anastasia Nicole Stillings and one day, I will make her my wife.
Looking into myself, I wonder at a lot of things. The opportunities missed, rocky friendships, love lost. Work, family, happiness. I could list things for quite some time, but it doesn't change anything. It seems no matter how hard I try, I continue to take a dagger to my leg. And when it heals, I just stab myself again in the same spot. Leaving me in a cycle of self-destruction that I cannot escape. Or can I? Maybe its that I don't want to, however much I say otherwise.
I've run from things in my life. I'm not proud of it. There is a checkered past that will eventually catch up to me. Will I be ready for it? I don't know. I find myself preparing to run again. The possibility of starting over, yet again. Will I be missed? Maybe, but perhaps not for long. I'm not one who can say for sure. It'll bring up old hurts, many that have left scars. But if its meant to be, it shall.
But all is not lost. There is happiness to be found after all. All I have to do is reach out and hold it in my hands. Then wrap my arms around it and hope it never gets away. I'll reach the manifestation of this happiness; the one who gives it to me. It radiates from them, like heat from a furnace, threatening to burn me. But the pain feels so good. It'll a treacherous journey, but it is one that I intend to see through to the end. For the feeling I have inside of me, is one that I've never felt so fierce before. Keen, crisp, and clear. I will fight for it. And it will be mine.
The one who grants me this happiness? Her name is Anastasia Nicole Stillings and one day, I will make her my wife.