Afraid
So tomorrow I have court again, and I'm extremely anxious about it. My lawyer assures me that I'm not facing jail, but in the end, it's completely up to the judge. I have talked to a few other attorney friends, and they have given me some key points to help my case. In retrospect, I just keep wondering how I could have been so stupid? I know I was out of my mind at the time with the divorce and the cancer scare...I just wasn't thinking clearly at all. I was in a constant state of di/stress. I seriously thought I was dying. Well - I didn't die, and now I'm in all sorts of trouble.
This has, by far, been the scariest year of my life and I have learned what I'm really made of. I've had so many bad moments, but still have the strength to keep moving forward. I don't even know if I've reached the hardest part of the climb - but I hope I've already hit it and made it over! I have big plans for myself but this limbo is really immobilizing me. I don't know what's happening with the house, with my insurance case, with this legal case...I feel so unable to commit to anything simply because I don't know what's happening. My life has spun completely out of control. I'm trying desperately to get a handle on things and make some progress though. It's certainly a hard life. In spite of the trials, I know that I still live a very blessed life that's filled with miracles and mystery. No matter how down I feel, I can look around and see love everywhere. I can't imagine what it would be like to face this crisis without the love that I've received. I thank God each and everyday for the wonderful people he's brought into my life. Most especially the love and joy of motherhood. At times I question whether or not I deserve such wonderful kids - but I don't need to do that. They are mine and nothing can ever change that.
One thing about my family that does bother me is my sister. I just cannot understand why she is so distant. I blame it on my mother! She's such a lunatic that she's completely alienated my sister by constantly talking about me. Now Mary won't talk to either of us, and I didn't even do anything to her. The holidays pass without so much as a hello from her. I had really hoped that once she moved back from California we'd be able to spend a lot of time together - and that our kids would have the kind of relationships that I had with my cousins growing up. Oh well, one day she'll wake up and realize what a huge mistake she made turning her back on her family. I'm not going to keep trying when I get absolutely no response. It's really a shame. I still love her and the twins, and knowing me I will keep trying to melt the ice around her heart. It just sucks that I have to drive three hours and show up at her door unannounced to get her attention - she's such a little bitch! I'm not doing it anymore.
I'm going to keep the faith that everything is going to work out in my favor, and I'm going to come out on top no matter what. I've faced some pretty tough obstacles in my life - and I'm not going to let anything or anyone get the best of me!
This has, by far, been the scariest year of my life and I have learned what I'm really made of. I've had so many bad moments, but still have the strength to keep moving forward. I don't even know if I've reached the hardest part of the climb - but I hope I've already hit it and made it over! I have big plans for myself but this limbo is really immobilizing me. I don't know what's happening with the house, with my insurance case, with this legal case...I feel so unable to commit to anything simply because I don't know what's happening. My life has spun completely out of control. I'm trying desperately to get a handle on things and make some progress though. It's certainly a hard life. In spite of the trials, I know that I still live a very blessed life that's filled with miracles and mystery. No matter how down I feel, I can look around and see love everywhere. I can't imagine what it would be like to face this crisis without the love that I've received. I thank God each and everyday for the wonderful people he's brought into my life. Most especially the love and joy of motherhood. At times I question whether or not I deserve such wonderful kids - but I don't need to do that. They are mine and nothing can ever change that.
One thing about my family that does bother me is my sister. I just cannot understand why she is so distant. I blame it on my mother! She's such a lunatic that she's completely alienated my sister by constantly talking about me. Now Mary won't talk to either of us, and I didn't even do anything to her. The holidays pass without so much as a hello from her. I had really hoped that once she moved back from California we'd be able to spend a lot of time together - and that our kids would have the kind of relationships that I had with my cousins growing up. Oh well, one day she'll wake up and realize what a huge mistake she made turning her back on her family. I'm not going to keep trying when I get absolutely no response. It's really a shame. I still love her and the twins, and knowing me I will keep trying to melt the ice around her heart. It just sucks that I have to drive three hours and show up at her door unannounced to get her attention - she's such a little bitch! I'm not doing it anymore.
I'm going to keep the faith that everything is going to work out in my favor, and I'm going to come out on top no matter what. I've faced some pretty tough obstacles in my life - and I'm not going to let anything or anyone get the best of me!