|| the flesh failures ||
if you click on this you will be invading the mind of someone invisible...
Silence
Tells me secretly
Everything
Everything
it's the faces... the voices... things that i have noticed... nuances... I don't know. things that have kept me at arms length from everyone else for such a long time. could this be a malady of my own making? could it stem from something that happened in my waking at time's past? who knows... i prod, i search, i think and nothing- no answer comes to solve this endless riddle. ::shakes head:: my mind is drained my energy- i'm fried!! i've been trying so very hard for the past 4- (no 5 now) days to lighten up... "Lighten up Penn!!" ugh... i've tried... but... ::bites lower lip:: hrmmm... i can't seem to lighten up... i dunno- don't get me wrong ::slight pause for commercial::
i've met some groovy people lately (::ahem:: friends of friends... but cool none-the-less)...
::continuing with the previously scheduled madness::
yeah... i've been... what do you call?? sad... ever so sad... but one of those dry sads you know? the ones that you can't cry... you can't scream... you can't hit anything... you can't do... not... one... thing... but... be sad?! mhmm... ::nods:: hrmm... ::squints:: so yeah... i know... i don't actually. ::having a pretend conversation:: (this is what i would say had i been capable of talking to someone in person regarding my malady... see- and let me take a second to explain this- i can't really talk about me or... hrmm... my problems... to anyone really... and not to mention that i've tried to... but it doesn't seem to be the topic of choice at the moments i've tried to... so i close up like a clam... anyway... has LJ become my area of ventilation? oh god i have no fucking life... but unless LJ or my damn computer shuts down... i guess it's fine because- well just because.)
i feel... and tell me if this makes any sense to you... invisible? i don't know. like slowly i'm disappearing... vanishing- look at me- i'm almost transparent... can you see it? yeah. i've heard so many different things- opinions about me lately- hrmmm... i just don' t know what to think anymore. you don't get me do you? no i didn't think so... bare with me- pretend like you can read my mind... SEE!! you DO know what i'm talking about... ::scoffs:: liar! anyway- what can i say without really saying it?
look- the truth is after a while here- you really can't say what you want to say- you can't be full out honest about things because their is something called a friends list- and yes i can make this private... but then i can't have the joy of complete strangers commenting on my entries... VAVOOM... shut up- either way-
i digress... i'm feeling invisible- nooo not ignored... not looking for attention ::narrows eyes at CERTAIN people who shall remain nameless::
either way- i feel so damn sad. ugh! like i can't talk to anyone- i can't look anyone in the eyes... the truth is- i think who really wants to listen? no seriously- everyone has their things they are dealing with... and why add on no?
if i could ask all these questions...say all these things out loud- i would.
i want to be a better person.
i want to be someone likeable.
i want someone to be able to look at me and not think- is she angry? what's wrong with her?
i want to beable to talk.
i want to be able to vent and not be cut off left feeling- ::sighs:: invisible.
-- was i really bad in a past life?
should i have been born someone else?
if i should have been born someone else- could that be the reason i want to escape from this life so badly?
-- am i trapped with a madwoman? (me, myself, and it's ironic... but my middle name IS IRENE!!)
my middle name is Irene?!!? why the hell did they choose Irene!?!
-- my mind... my mind... where is my mind anyway?
why can't i believe what people say they feel for me?
^WHY?!?!
who f*cked me up so badly??
-- was it really just me??
my hand smells really nice- why is that? what is that smell?
i recall hamlet saying:
What a piece of work is man
How noble in reason
How infinite in faculties
In form and moving
How express and admirable
In action how like an angel
In apprehension how like a god
The beauty of the world
The paragon of animals
is this gonna go on and on??
is this all we think about?
why am i staring blankly at the screen trying not to tear?
--why is my sadness becoming overwhelming as... i... type... these... words... why?
::sigh::
SH*T my heart has just broken. righ... now .... <'3
::hangs head in sadness::
i want to be alone now. sorry kids.