(no subject)
Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to think.
But would that really be better? Easier, yes, but better?
(Perhaps. Then I wouldn't be cognizant of the fact that I am slowly turning myself into everyone else.)
I'm wrapping up the box of my life in pretty wrapping paper and attaching a pretty little bow to it so that it's presentable, so that I can be accepted... but the box itself is empty.
I have so much potential that it scares the hell out of me... but I came to the realization that, to access it, I have to leave. Pack a bag with a few things, bring my fiddle, perhaps, and just leave. And I can't do that. There are too many things, now, that tie me to this... this respectable way of life. College. Paying back my college debt. Family. Friends. Mike. Guilt. Duty.
Part of me wonders if one of the reasons why I decided to not accept Mike breaking up with me (to make a long story short, we got back together about 17 hours after he broke it off) is because I'm afraid that, with less and less to tie me here, I'd be more and more likely to start walking. And the idea of accessing my full capabilities terrifies me.
Then part of me wonders if leaving is the only way to access them after all. It can't be, right? I shouldn't have to leave the people I love behind...
Or perhaps I don't have much potential to begin with, and I'm realizing that, and leaving everyone I love would be a way to hide that from myself.
[shrug]
This strange mood will pass. It always does, and I'm only rarely in this mood to begin with.
But would that really be better? Easier, yes, but better?
(Perhaps. Then I wouldn't be cognizant of the fact that I am slowly turning myself into everyone else.)
I'm wrapping up the box of my life in pretty wrapping paper and attaching a pretty little bow to it so that it's presentable, so that I can be accepted... but the box itself is empty.
I have so much potential that it scares the hell out of me... but I came to the realization that, to access it, I have to leave. Pack a bag with a few things, bring my fiddle, perhaps, and just leave. And I can't do that. There are too many things, now, that tie me to this... this respectable way of life. College. Paying back my college debt. Family. Friends. Mike. Guilt. Duty.
Part of me wonders if one of the reasons why I decided to not accept Mike breaking up with me (to make a long story short, we got back together about 17 hours after he broke it off) is because I'm afraid that, with less and less to tie me here, I'd be more and more likely to start walking. And the idea of accessing my full capabilities terrifies me.
Then part of me wonders if leaving is the only way to access them after all. It can't be, right? I shouldn't have to leave the people I love behind...
Or perhaps I don't have much potential to begin with, and I'm realizing that, and leaving everyone I love would be a way to hide that from myself.
[shrug]
This strange mood will pass. It always does, and I'm only rarely in this mood to begin with.