Chasing Dreams - Chapter 12
Title: Chasing Dreams
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 12
Before Kurt knew it, another year had passed. He graduated and found out that he didn’t have a place to go to college. Still, at Blaine and Adam’s urging he went to New York anyways, where he found an internship at Vogue.com.
It was hardly a month into his stay in New York that Kurt had another vision and Kurt felt that his world had fallen apart. Though he tried to block it out of his mind, he still could perfectly recall the look of pleasure on Blaine’s face - from another boy’s eyes. Blaine had cheated on him. Kurt didn’t understand why, but he’d felt Blaine’s emotions. He’d been anything but regretful until after a few rounds. Then they’d had another romp in the morning before Blaine left, feeling like crap. The only condolence to Kurt was that they had used protection.
Kurt felt hollow inside. Blaine had cheated on him. He wondered if it was something he’d done. Sure, he’d felt how lonely Blaine was, but he was lonely too. At least Blaine had his family and the remainder of the New Directions there with him. Kurt only had Rachel and the new connections he’d built. Maybe he wasn’t good enough to keep Blaine’s attention while they were separated.
A thought crept up on Kurt. He wondered what it was that Blaine was missing. Was it him, or was it his ability to read him so well? Would Blaine have cheated before if Kurt wasn’t a psychic? Not knowing what else to do, he called in sick the day after that vision and phoned Eliza on her cell phone. He got her answering machine and left a message for her, “Please call me back. I need you.”
It was a short while later, that she called back. “Hi Kurt. Why aren’t you at work?”
“I had a vision last night.”
“What was it?”
“It was Blaine. He -” Kurt choked on his words and he shuddered and sniffled.
She cajoled, “What did he do, Kurt? Come on, tell me.”
“He - he cheated.”
He pulled the phone away from his ear, to avoid damaging his ears as she yelled, “I’m going to skin that boy alive! How dare he?”
Kurt insisted, “He regretted it - in the end. And he used protection. He was careful.”
She scoffed. “Careful. Hah! You know how easily condoms can rupture - especially during anal sex? They’re not one hundred percent safe! Sure, they’re better than nothing, but he shouldn’t have done that! And you saw it all?”
Kurt meekly answered, “Yeah. But he doesn’t know. I haven’t told him yet.”
She exclaimed, “That’s no excuse! I have half a mind to take off and tan that boy’s hide!”
“But, Eliza, how do you explain how you know? How do I explain how I know? I’m not supposed to know what he’s doing! He’s supposed to come here next weekend. How do I act? I haven’t told him! I haven’t told Rachel either. She thinks the reason I threw up after I came out of the vision was because I’m sick.”
“Break up with him.”
Kurt did a double-take. “What?”
“I told you, break up with him. It’s simple and easy. When he comes to New York, you break up with him. You tell him the distance isn’t working and end it.”
“I can’t do that. If I do - just think about what people will think of me. They’ll put the blame on me. I’m not the one who cheated!”
She grumbled. “You care way too much about what others think of you, Kurt. You have to be your first priority. If you aren’t happy, then it’s not worth it.”
“The only person I’ll ever really be happy with is Adam. But I don’t know where he is!”
“You mean you still haven’t picked up on the hint he gave you?”
“What?” Kurt blinked.
“He told you to go to New York. That means, he’s probably there too.”
Kurt bit his lip. “I thought he was just telling me to pursue my dreams.”
She sighed. “He can’t tell you where he is. But he could obviously tell you where to go. You’ll find him in New York. I’m almost certain. Now, are you willing leave that dead-weight boyfriend of yours?”
Kurt shook his head before realizing that she couldn’t see it.“I can’t. I have to live with Rachel. If she takes his side -”
He could practically see her rolling her eyes at him. “Okay, fine. Then you manipulate him into telling you.”
“No! I’m not doing that again! It’s wrong!” Kurt replied aghast.
“What are you talking about? I’m not telling you to do anything fancy schmancy. I’m telling you to do the same thing any woman or man knows how to do with their partner. You said he’s feeling guilty, right?”
Kurt replied hesitantly, “Yeah.”
“Well, then you use that. Prod at him, note what he’s sensitive about and what not. If need be, watch some movie with him that involves cheating in some form or another. You can bring up Sebastian and the way he flirted with Blaine, if you want. Use everything at your disposal to get him to confess. That way you can break up with him and have a reason for it.”
Kurt picked with the hem of his shirt. “I guess, it still doesn’t feel right though.”
“Kurt, honey, he cheated on you. That isn’t right either,” she insisted.
“I guess -”
Eliza gave a long exasperated sigh. “Kurt, sometimes you’re so much like your mother that you drive me to despair. Way too nice. It’s the thing that I loved and hated about her the most. God, I never knew I’d end up as a couple’s counselor when I got my degree. Look, are you happy with him?”
Kurt’s reply was instant. “I am when I’m with him.”
“Okay. And when you’re separated?”
Kurt took a moment to think. “I used to wonder why I was with him. When things evolved, I just felt a faint echo of the happiness I experienced around him.”
“Do you trust him?”
Kurt didn’t even have to think about that. “No, I don’t. I can’t; not anymore. He cheated.”
“Then break up with him.”
“But isn’t it kinda mean to break up with someone when they came out to visit you in New York?”
“You want to break up with him on Skype, via text message or a phone call?”
“No! He doesn’t deserve that!”
“Well, then I guess you should break up with him when he’s there. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until the next time you see each other.”
“Okay, fine, I’ll do it. After he confesses.”
“Fine. I’ll take what I can get. God, you’re so interested in your reputation. You’re in New York. Make new friends. If your old friends can’t accept you, then dump them. They’re not worth it and there are tons of people looking for roommates in New York.”
“They’re my friends. I don’t want to lose them. I remember what it was like not to have any. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there. Not now that I know what it’s like to have them.”
“Haven’t you made any new friends at work?”
“Well, yeah: my boss, for instance.”
“There you go. You won’t be alone.”
Kurt stopped himself from biting his lip again, not wanting to ruin his lips. Instead, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a tub of ice cream. “I guess. I just - I don’t want to lose them. We’ve been through so much. If I broke up with him, they’d probably accuse me of cheating - again. Even though it was Blaine who cheated and I never have.”
She replied incredulously, “And none of them ever cheated? He, or she in this case, who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “I know, I know, but our Glee club never worked like that. People were cheating left and right and everyone would always condemn it - whether they’d cheated or helped someone to cheat or not. It’s just the way it always was. I know that for a matter of fact. I saw it happen more than once.”
Kurt heard her sigh again on the other side of the phone. “Okay, look, Kurt. You have to know best. I can only give you advice. My break is finished and my next appointment is here. If you have to, then force him to tell you what’s going on. But get him out of your life somehow. If you need more advice, then call me after my working hours. And go back to work tomorrow. If it’s really necessary, I’ll prescribe you medication again. But I sincerely doubt that you want that. I don’t want that.”
Kurt replied resolutely, “I don’t want that either.” He sighed. “I keep talking about wanting to become an actor;” he paused before amending, “Singer and actor. I guess it’s time to start acting. Time to make people think I’m fine. It should be easy. I’ve done it all my life towards everyone who wasn’t in the know, when they caught me after one of my more horrible visions.”
“Yeah. I wish you dind’t have to though. So, talk to you soon.”
“Well, that’s my lot in life. But, yeah, we’ll talk soon. You know, I miss our weekends.”
“So do I, Kurt.”
“Bye.”
“Talk to you soon.”
Kurt hung up the phone and flopped back on the bed he’d been sitting on, holding the phone in his hand. When it blanked out he activated it again, only to see the picture on the unlocking screen. It was of him and Blaine right before he’d left. In a fit of anger, Kurt entered his code and changed the picture back to one of the sketches of Adam he’d drawn and scanned in.
It was one of the pictures of him as a pre-teen and there was nothing suggestive about it. It was just of one of the moments they’d spent outside by the pond. Adam had been extremely playful that day and had scooped up a handful of water to toss at Kurt. Most of it didn’t even make it out of the pond, but a few drops had splashed Kurt. They’d proceeded to throw droplets at each other and, if they were both close enough to the pond, splash at each other, while carefully avoiding the lily pads and algae.
The picture captured Adam laughing while holding his hand in front of his eyes to protect them from a few beads of water that shone in the light of the full moon. It was one of Kurt’s favorite pictures he’d drawn of Adam. There were also several in which he’d tried to estimate what Adam might look like older. All those sketches looked completely different. He wondered if any of them came close to the truth. Kurt was glad that Blaine had never managed to find any of his pictures and sketches. He’d hidden them fairly well, but Blaine liked to look through his stuff whenever he was around - and sometimes when he wasn’t. To be sure they’d remain undiscovered; he’d taken them with to New York. He just hoped he wouldn’t regret it.
***
Kurt put up a good act of being fine. Sure, he answered even less of Blaine’s phone calls than before, preferring to text. It was easier to act like everything was alright that way. When Blaine arrived, Kurt realized just how well Eliza had advised him. He’d acted out of character and it had been almost too easy to get Blaine to confess. Afterwards, Kurt was finally able to show his grief to the world. It was a big relief. He’d never known how difficult it was to act all the time and wondered how Blaine managed it. Still, Kurt was determined to get over Blaine.
As time passed, though, Kurt started to despair. Things weren’t getting better. He was just as hung up on Blaine as he had been - as a matter of fact, sometimes he had the feeling that the feelings were growing instead of dissipating. He wondered if he’d ever get over his ex, if the distance truly only made the heart grow fonder. He wanted to be over Blaine. Sometimes he thought he’d managed it for a while, until another stab of pain and love would echo through him and remind him.
So, he tried to fill his schedule to the brim. He worked hard at his internship and in the evening he waited tables. He wanted to make sure that he’d have enough money on the side for when he started college. The fact that it distracted him from missing Blaine was secondary: really, it was. Now, if only he could convince himself and Rachel of that fact.
He really loved his internship at Vogue.com and adored Isabelle. She was fresh, fun and honest, but not blunt and she was always willing to listen and advise him. He couldn’t have asked for a better boss. Sure, he’d seen her competitive spirit at times, when it was called for. After all, if she didn’t have those characteristics, she never would have risen to her position. Still, she didn’t try to hide it and Kurt really liked that. He always knew where he stood with her and hardly even needed his empathy around her.
When he finally was accepted into NYADA and he had to give up his job waiting tables, Isabelle gave him flexible hours until they could figure out what hours he’d be able to cover. He still had to do a certain amount of hours of work, but he could decide himself when he wanted to do them. Kurt was very happy he wouldn’t have to give up the internship he loved so much. He hoped that he’d eventually move from intern to part-time employee and, if he could trust Isabelle, which he knew he could, was almost inevitable. She knew that he knew fashion and trusted his judgment. So, it was with a light heart that Kurt went to his first day of school at NYADA.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 12
Before Kurt knew it, another year had passed. He graduated and found out that he didn’t have a place to go to college. Still, at Blaine and Adam’s urging he went to New York anyways, where he found an internship at Vogue.com.
It was hardly a month into his stay in New York that Kurt had another vision and Kurt felt that his world had fallen apart. Though he tried to block it out of his mind, he still could perfectly recall the look of pleasure on Blaine’s face - from another boy’s eyes. Blaine had cheated on him. Kurt didn’t understand why, but he’d felt Blaine’s emotions. He’d been anything but regretful until after a few rounds. Then they’d had another romp in the morning before Blaine left, feeling like crap. The only condolence to Kurt was that they had used protection.
Kurt felt hollow inside. Blaine had cheated on him. He wondered if it was something he’d done. Sure, he’d felt how lonely Blaine was, but he was lonely too. At least Blaine had his family and the remainder of the New Directions there with him. Kurt only had Rachel and the new connections he’d built. Maybe he wasn’t good enough to keep Blaine’s attention while they were separated.
A thought crept up on Kurt. He wondered what it was that Blaine was missing. Was it him, or was it his ability to read him so well? Would Blaine have cheated before if Kurt wasn’t a psychic? Not knowing what else to do, he called in sick the day after that vision and phoned Eliza on her cell phone. He got her answering machine and left a message for her, “Please call me back. I need you.”
It was a short while later, that she called back. “Hi Kurt. Why aren’t you at work?”
“I had a vision last night.”
“What was it?”
“It was Blaine. He -” Kurt choked on his words and he shuddered and sniffled.
She cajoled, “What did he do, Kurt? Come on, tell me.”
“He - he cheated.”
He pulled the phone away from his ear, to avoid damaging his ears as she yelled, “I’m going to skin that boy alive! How dare he?”
Kurt insisted, “He regretted it - in the end. And he used protection. He was careful.”
She scoffed. “Careful. Hah! You know how easily condoms can rupture - especially during anal sex? They’re not one hundred percent safe! Sure, they’re better than nothing, but he shouldn’t have done that! And you saw it all?”
Kurt meekly answered, “Yeah. But he doesn’t know. I haven’t told him yet.”
She exclaimed, “That’s no excuse! I have half a mind to take off and tan that boy’s hide!”
“But, Eliza, how do you explain how you know? How do I explain how I know? I’m not supposed to know what he’s doing! He’s supposed to come here next weekend. How do I act? I haven’t told him! I haven’t told Rachel either. She thinks the reason I threw up after I came out of the vision was because I’m sick.”
“Break up with him.”
Kurt did a double-take. “What?”
“I told you, break up with him. It’s simple and easy. When he comes to New York, you break up with him. You tell him the distance isn’t working and end it.”
“I can’t do that. If I do - just think about what people will think of me. They’ll put the blame on me. I’m not the one who cheated!”
She grumbled. “You care way too much about what others think of you, Kurt. You have to be your first priority. If you aren’t happy, then it’s not worth it.”
“The only person I’ll ever really be happy with is Adam. But I don’t know where he is!”
“You mean you still haven’t picked up on the hint he gave you?”
“What?” Kurt blinked.
“He told you to go to New York. That means, he’s probably there too.”
Kurt bit his lip. “I thought he was just telling me to pursue my dreams.”
She sighed. “He can’t tell you where he is. But he could obviously tell you where to go. You’ll find him in New York. I’m almost certain. Now, are you willing leave that dead-weight boyfriend of yours?”
Kurt shook his head before realizing that she couldn’t see it.“I can’t. I have to live with Rachel. If she takes his side -”
He could practically see her rolling her eyes at him. “Okay, fine. Then you manipulate him into telling you.”
“No! I’m not doing that again! It’s wrong!” Kurt replied aghast.
“What are you talking about? I’m not telling you to do anything fancy schmancy. I’m telling you to do the same thing any woman or man knows how to do with their partner. You said he’s feeling guilty, right?”
Kurt replied hesitantly, “Yeah.”
“Well, then you use that. Prod at him, note what he’s sensitive about and what not. If need be, watch some movie with him that involves cheating in some form or another. You can bring up Sebastian and the way he flirted with Blaine, if you want. Use everything at your disposal to get him to confess. That way you can break up with him and have a reason for it.”
Kurt picked with the hem of his shirt. “I guess, it still doesn’t feel right though.”
“Kurt, honey, he cheated on you. That isn’t right either,” she insisted.
“I guess -”
Eliza gave a long exasperated sigh. “Kurt, sometimes you’re so much like your mother that you drive me to despair. Way too nice. It’s the thing that I loved and hated about her the most. God, I never knew I’d end up as a couple’s counselor when I got my degree. Look, are you happy with him?”
Kurt’s reply was instant. “I am when I’m with him.”
“Okay. And when you’re separated?”
Kurt took a moment to think. “I used to wonder why I was with him. When things evolved, I just felt a faint echo of the happiness I experienced around him.”
“Do you trust him?”
Kurt didn’t even have to think about that. “No, I don’t. I can’t; not anymore. He cheated.”
“Then break up with him.”
“But isn’t it kinda mean to break up with someone when they came out to visit you in New York?”
“You want to break up with him on Skype, via text message or a phone call?”
“No! He doesn’t deserve that!”
“Well, then I guess you should break up with him when he’s there. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until the next time you see each other.”
“Okay, fine, I’ll do it. After he confesses.”
“Fine. I’ll take what I can get. God, you’re so interested in your reputation. You’re in New York. Make new friends. If your old friends can’t accept you, then dump them. They’re not worth it and there are tons of people looking for roommates in New York.”
“They’re my friends. I don’t want to lose them. I remember what it was like not to have any. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there. Not now that I know what it’s like to have them.”
“Haven’t you made any new friends at work?”
“Well, yeah: my boss, for instance.”
“There you go. You won’t be alone.”
Kurt stopped himself from biting his lip again, not wanting to ruin his lips. Instead, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a tub of ice cream. “I guess. I just - I don’t want to lose them. We’ve been through so much. If I broke up with him, they’d probably accuse me of cheating - again. Even though it was Blaine who cheated and I never have.”
She replied incredulously, “And none of them ever cheated? He, or she in this case, who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “I know, I know, but our Glee club never worked like that. People were cheating left and right and everyone would always condemn it - whether they’d cheated or helped someone to cheat or not. It’s just the way it always was. I know that for a matter of fact. I saw it happen more than once.”
Kurt heard her sigh again on the other side of the phone. “Okay, look, Kurt. You have to know best. I can only give you advice. My break is finished and my next appointment is here. If you have to, then force him to tell you what’s going on. But get him out of your life somehow. If you need more advice, then call me after my working hours. And go back to work tomorrow. If it’s really necessary, I’ll prescribe you medication again. But I sincerely doubt that you want that. I don’t want that.”
Kurt replied resolutely, “I don’t want that either.” He sighed. “I keep talking about wanting to become an actor;” he paused before amending, “Singer and actor. I guess it’s time to start acting. Time to make people think I’m fine. It should be easy. I’ve done it all my life towards everyone who wasn’t in the know, when they caught me after one of my more horrible visions.”
“Yeah. I wish you dind’t have to though. So, talk to you soon.”
“Well, that’s my lot in life. But, yeah, we’ll talk soon. You know, I miss our weekends.”
“So do I, Kurt.”
“Bye.”
“Talk to you soon.”
Kurt hung up the phone and flopped back on the bed he’d been sitting on, holding the phone in his hand. When it blanked out he activated it again, only to see the picture on the unlocking screen. It was of him and Blaine right before he’d left. In a fit of anger, Kurt entered his code and changed the picture back to one of the sketches of Adam he’d drawn and scanned in.
It was one of the pictures of him as a pre-teen and there was nothing suggestive about it. It was just of one of the moments they’d spent outside by the pond. Adam had been extremely playful that day and had scooped up a handful of water to toss at Kurt. Most of it didn’t even make it out of the pond, but a few drops had splashed Kurt. They’d proceeded to throw droplets at each other and, if they were both close enough to the pond, splash at each other, while carefully avoiding the lily pads and algae.
The picture captured Adam laughing while holding his hand in front of his eyes to protect them from a few beads of water that shone in the light of the full moon. It was one of Kurt’s favorite pictures he’d drawn of Adam. There were also several in which he’d tried to estimate what Adam might look like older. All those sketches looked completely different. He wondered if any of them came close to the truth. Kurt was glad that Blaine had never managed to find any of his pictures and sketches. He’d hidden them fairly well, but Blaine liked to look through his stuff whenever he was around - and sometimes when he wasn’t. To be sure they’d remain undiscovered; he’d taken them with to New York. He just hoped he wouldn’t regret it.
***
Kurt put up a good act of being fine. Sure, he answered even less of Blaine’s phone calls than before, preferring to text. It was easier to act like everything was alright that way. When Blaine arrived, Kurt realized just how well Eliza had advised him. He’d acted out of character and it had been almost too easy to get Blaine to confess. Afterwards, Kurt was finally able to show his grief to the world. It was a big relief. He’d never known how difficult it was to act all the time and wondered how Blaine managed it. Still, Kurt was determined to get over Blaine.
As time passed, though, Kurt started to despair. Things weren’t getting better. He was just as hung up on Blaine as he had been - as a matter of fact, sometimes he had the feeling that the feelings were growing instead of dissipating. He wondered if he’d ever get over his ex, if the distance truly only made the heart grow fonder. He wanted to be over Blaine. Sometimes he thought he’d managed it for a while, until another stab of pain and love would echo through him and remind him.
So, he tried to fill his schedule to the brim. He worked hard at his internship and in the evening he waited tables. He wanted to make sure that he’d have enough money on the side for when he started college. The fact that it distracted him from missing Blaine was secondary: really, it was. Now, if only he could convince himself and Rachel of that fact.
He really loved his internship at Vogue.com and adored Isabelle. She was fresh, fun and honest, but not blunt and she was always willing to listen and advise him. He couldn’t have asked for a better boss. Sure, he’d seen her competitive spirit at times, when it was called for. After all, if she didn’t have those characteristics, she never would have risen to her position. Still, she didn’t try to hide it and Kurt really liked that. He always knew where he stood with her and hardly even needed his empathy around her.
When he finally was accepted into NYADA and he had to give up his job waiting tables, Isabelle gave him flexible hours until they could figure out what hours he’d be able to cover. He still had to do a certain amount of hours of work, but he could decide himself when he wanted to do them. Kurt was very happy he wouldn’t have to give up the internship he loved so much. He hoped that he’d eventually move from intern to part-time employee and, if he could trust Isabelle, which he knew he could, was almost inevitable. She knew that he knew fashion and trusted his judgment. So, it was with a light heart that Kurt went to his first day of school at NYADA.
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