Chasing Dreams - Chapter 8
Title: Chasing Dreams
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 8
Kurt knew that Finn would never return his affection. He knew that he wasn’t in love with him either. He was well aware of the fact that it was just a crush that would go away in time. Still, he had a feeling that there was a reason it was there. There was something more to this than just a crush, than just his hormones finally kicking in as he slowly came off his antidepressants.
Kurt genuinely liked Finn and wanted to help him. He was in a tough situation with his girlfriend Quinn, being pregnant. He didn’t know that the baby was Puck’s. The only reason Kurt knew was because it was on the surface of both Quinn’s and Puck’s thoughts most of the time. He really didn’t want to listen in, but their thoughts were so loud. So, Kurt knew that it wasn’t going to last long between her and Finn. He also knew that Rachel was going to snatch him up as soon as she got a chance. And that bothered him.
As far as Kurt could tell, the main reason Rachel wanted Finn was because she figured that the two of them had vocal chemistry. She barely knew him. She would easily trample over him and control him. Not that Quinn was much better in that respect. To be honest, Kurt would have much preferred to see Finn with a more mild-mannered girl, who cared for him as he was and wouldn’t try to change or walk all over him.
It wasn’t until Kurt met Finn’s mother for the first time that things really clicked in his mind. It was difficult letting go and playing matchmaker for his dad and Carol. It was even more painful watching his dad bond with Finn. Still, the one thing Kurt couldn’t regret was how much happier his father was.
Kurt was relieved though, when he heard the coded questions his father would ask her. The way he assured and reassured himself that living with two psychics wouldn’t be a problem for her. After all, while Burt might be able to hide his abilities, Kurt would have more difficulties with it. It helped reassure Kurt that his father was looking out for him too.
At first, when his father and Finn started hanging out more, Kurt was able to convince himself that his father was checking out Finn to the same extent as he had Carol. He warned his father that Finn couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. So, somehow, they’d have to work around telling him.
Still, when things got out of proportion and Kurt was hurting, Burt was around to hear his cry for help. When they’d visited Eliza that weekend, as always, she’d given Burt a dressing down, “Burt, I know you mean well. You’re trying to connect with the son of your girlfriend - the type of son you always wanted. But you can’t forget that Kurt is fragile. In all reality - who does he have? He has you, me, Jake and Adam. We’re the only people he can actually talk to about everything. You simply cannot let him think that someone else is more important to you than he is. Remember, he picks up on your emotions and thoughts. He knows that you’d rather do stuff with Finn. And that really hurts him. So he acted out - just like every teenager. The thing that you have to keep in mind, though, is that when acting out he tried to satisfy what you wanted - and you still looked right past him. That shows a lot about his character - he’ll do anything to make you happy with him; to make you love him.”
Burt insisted, “But I already love him.”
“Try to express it a little more overtly sometimes. Over the time I’ve watched and observed Kurt, I’ve noticed that his empathy is heightened by touch. So try to touch him more often, remind him that you love him just the way he is. He needs that reassurance - especially right now when he’s a teenager and going through so much change. He’s coming off of his antidepressants and starting to feel his hormones in ways that he never has before. He has to get used to what could realistically end up being a new family. He needs your constant reassurance. Even if he weren’t special he’d need it. Being who he is and given the abilities he has - you can’t neglect him. A single slip and we’ll be right back where we started.”
Burt felt like someone had punched him. “But, you said he was doing better!”
She soothed, “He is. If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be lowering his anti-depressants. Still, the next time he tries to act out, we might not be as lucky as to the method he chooses. That’s all I’m saying. You’re the center of his universe. You and Adam. Jake and I just help him to keep orbiting. If the two of you are taken out, though, he won’t be here much longer. I can practically promise you that.”
***
Things were put to the test when Burt invited Carol and Finn to live with them. Kurt tried to go out of his way to make things easier for them. He showed Carol where everything was in the kitchen and helped her with the cooking. He let Finn set up his game consoles in what was currently their room. The idea that Kurt and Burt had come up with was that Burt would build an extension for Finn. In the meantime, though, they’d have to share a room.
However, Kurt felt that Finn was still nervous about sleeping in the same room as him. He tried to accept that and use that when redecorating the room. The room partition, the drapes - he wanted Finn to feel like he did have privacy. He tried so hard to make it work, but Finn still hated it.
As soon as Burt had talked to Carol and she’d left with her son, he’d returned to the basement, where Kurt was still crying. He said, “Oh, come here, kiddo,” and opened his arms wide for Kurt.
Kurt barely hesitated before stumbling into them to continue to cry on his father’s shoulder. He hiccupped. “Why…? He… he was… scared of me, dad. Am… am I that… that scary? I didn’t… I didn’t pursue him. It… it was just… just a crush. I… I love Adam. Why do people hate me?”
Burt’s heart broke. “Not everyone hates you Kurt. You have me, Adam, Eliza, Jake, Julie, Simon, Uncle Andy, Aunt Mildred, your grandparents, Mercedes, Tina, Brittany - the list goes on I’m sure.”
Kurt sniffled and rubbed his nose. “But daddy, there’s so many more that hate me for being who I am. Sometimes I think it would have been better if you hadn’t…”
Burt pushed away from Kurt slightly, resting his arms on his shoulders, looking down at him. He interrupted, “Don’t ever say that, Kurt! I know it’s tough! I know that sometimes you just want to give up. But you can’t leave me! You’re my world!”
Tearfully Kurt retorted, “You have Carol and Finn now though.”
“Oh, God, Kurt.” Burt pulled him into his arms in a bear-hug, letting Kurt feel the pain and turmoil his father was going though at the thought of losing him. “They’re not you! Finn is not my son! You are! How many times do I have to repeat this?”
“But I know you want him to be. I feel your emotions, dad! You can’t hide that from me!”
“Yeah, maybe I do. But you are my son already. I could never replace you.”
Kurt sniffled again. “I’m still sorry I got in the way of your happiness, dad. You’ve been so happy lately. I never wanted to be the reason for you not…”
Burt interrupted again, “Hold it right there, Kurt. You are not at fault here. You’re a victim. If anyone is at fault, it’s Finn.”
“But dad, if I wasn’t… if I wasn’t gay…”
Burt’s frustration and affection bubbled inside him. “How many times do I have to remind you, Kurt? You’re my son, Kurt. I told you, the place looks great. You obviously tried to stylishly create a barrier between the two of you, so he’d be more comfortable. It’s not your fault that he can’t deal with it. I bet he wouldn’t have a problem if it was a pretty girl he was sharing a room with. You’re supposed to be safe here, Kurt. I know how sensitive you are. I won’t have his thoughts and emotions poisoning this place for you. You need a place where you can retreat and get away from other people’s emotions. You’re my son. You’ll always come first. It’s part of being a father.”
“Were you really like that when you were a teenager?”
Burt nodded his head and drew back from the hug. “I was one of the worst. When your mom and I first realized you would probably end up being gay, I asked her if it was karma for the way I treated other gay kids back in high school. You know what she told me?”
“No, what?”
He smiled wryly. “She told me not to see it as a punishment but as a learning opportunity. Your mother was a very wise woman. And so selfless. Something the two of you have in common. More than I wish you did. Still, I’m glad that you, unlike her, can actually stand up for yourself. Don’t always try to make me happy. Make yourself happy first. It’s my job to look out for you, not the other way around. Keep that in mind, okay?”
Kurt smiled softly his eyes red and cheeks wet. “I love you dad.”
“I love you too, kiddo. Now, please, tell me if something’s wrong next time. How long have you known that Finn wasn’t comfortable rooming with you?”
Kurt muttered, “Since it was suggested.”
“And you never said anything. Not once.”
“I didn’t want to ruin this for you dad. I see how happy you are with Carol. I want that happiness in our house. I thought I could ignore the thing with Finn. I thought it might pass with time. Maybe he could get used to it with time. Instead… I just wanted you to be happy, dad. Is that too much to ask for?”
Burt asked, in a choked voice, “Is it too much to ask for that you be happy?”
Kurt answered softly, “Yes, it is.”
“Then it is for me too. Because I’ll never be happy as long as you aren’t.”
“Sometimes I can experience happiness because other people are happy. Does that count?”
“No, Kurt. I want you to be happy. You’re the person I care about. How did you become so selfless?”
Kurt shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it has to do with feeling other people’s pain stronger than your own. At times it’s difficult to distinguish what you’re feeling and what other people are feeling. Sometimes I literally can’t.”
“What do you do then?”
“I retreat to places like this room, where it’s silent.”
“When Finn grows up a bit and we can give this living together another try, I’ll make sure that you don’t share a room again. If necessary, he’ll take the room underneath the stairs.”
Kurt’s eyes widened in panic. “No! Don’t put him in there! That place feels wrong!”
Burt frowned in confusion. “Kurt?”
“I - I don’t know how you could have missed it when buying the place, dad, but something happened there. Something horrible. Don’t put him in there.”
“Then it’s either going to be building the extension or buying a new house.”
“If we go with the new house, can I pick my room first and help choose it? I can warn you about anything like the thing under the stairs.”
“Sure, kiddo. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Say, dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you mind if I cuddle with you a while still? You’re really warm on the inside and outside. It’s nice.”
Burt shook his head. “Anything you want, Kurt.”
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 8
Kurt knew that Finn would never return his affection. He knew that he wasn’t in love with him either. He was well aware of the fact that it was just a crush that would go away in time. Still, he had a feeling that there was a reason it was there. There was something more to this than just a crush, than just his hormones finally kicking in as he slowly came off his antidepressants.
Kurt genuinely liked Finn and wanted to help him. He was in a tough situation with his girlfriend Quinn, being pregnant. He didn’t know that the baby was Puck’s. The only reason Kurt knew was because it was on the surface of both Quinn’s and Puck’s thoughts most of the time. He really didn’t want to listen in, but their thoughts were so loud. So, Kurt knew that it wasn’t going to last long between her and Finn. He also knew that Rachel was going to snatch him up as soon as she got a chance. And that bothered him.
As far as Kurt could tell, the main reason Rachel wanted Finn was because she figured that the two of them had vocal chemistry. She barely knew him. She would easily trample over him and control him. Not that Quinn was much better in that respect. To be honest, Kurt would have much preferred to see Finn with a more mild-mannered girl, who cared for him as he was and wouldn’t try to change or walk all over him.
It wasn’t until Kurt met Finn’s mother for the first time that things really clicked in his mind. It was difficult letting go and playing matchmaker for his dad and Carol. It was even more painful watching his dad bond with Finn. Still, the one thing Kurt couldn’t regret was how much happier his father was.
Kurt was relieved though, when he heard the coded questions his father would ask her. The way he assured and reassured himself that living with two psychics wouldn’t be a problem for her. After all, while Burt might be able to hide his abilities, Kurt would have more difficulties with it. It helped reassure Kurt that his father was looking out for him too.
At first, when his father and Finn started hanging out more, Kurt was able to convince himself that his father was checking out Finn to the same extent as he had Carol. He warned his father that Finn couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. So, somehow, they’d have to work around telling him.
Still, when things got out of proportion and Kurt was hurting, Burt was around to hear his cry for help. When they’d visited Eliza that weekend, as always, she’d given Burt a dressing down, “Burt, I know you mean well. You’re trying to connect with the son of your girlfriend - the type of son you always wanted. But you can’t forget that Kurt is fragile. In all reality - who does he have? He has you, me, Jake and Adam. We’re the only people he can actually talk to about everything. You simply cannot let him think that someone else is more important to you than he is. Remember, he picks up on your emotions and thoughts. He knows that you’d rather do stuff with Finn. And that really hurts him. So he acted out - just like every teenager. The thing that you have to keep in mind, though, is that when acting out he tried to satisfy what you wanted - and you still looked right past him. That shows a lot about his character - he’ll do anything to make you happy with him; to make you love him.”
Burt insisted, “But I already love him.”
“Try to express it a little more overtly sometimes. Over the time I’ve watched and observed Kurt, I’ve noticed that his empathy is heightened by touch. So try to touch him more often, remind him that you love him just the way he is. He needs that reassurance - especially right now when he’s a teenager and going through so much change. He’s coming off of his antidepressants and starting to feel his hormones in ways that he never has before. He has to get used to what could realistically end up being a new family. He needs your constant reassurance. Even if he weren’t special he’d need it. Being who he is and given the abilities he has - you can’t neglect him. A single slip and we’ll be right back where we started.”
Burt felt like someone had punched him. “But, you said he was doing better!”
She soothed, “He is. If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be lowering his anti-depressants. Still, the next time he tries to act out, we might not be as lucky as to the method he chooses. That’s all I’m saying. You’re the center of his universe. You and Adam. Jake and I just help him to keep orbiting. If the two of you are taken out, though, he won’t be here much longer. I can practically promise you that.”
***
Things were put to the test when Burt invited Carol and Finn to live with them. Kurt tried to go out of his way to make things easier for them. He showed Carol where everything was in the kitchen and helped her with the cooking. He let Finn set up his game consoles in what was currently their room. The idea that Kurt and Burt had come up with was that Burt would build an extension for Finn. In the meantime, though, they’d have to share a room.
However, Kurt felt that Finn was still nervous about sleeping in the same room as him. He tried to accept that and use that when redecorating the room. The room partition, the drapes - he wanted Finn to feel like he did have privacy. He tried so hard to make it work, but Finn still hated it.
As soon as Burt had talked to Carol and she’d left with her son, he’d returned to the basement, where Kurt was still crying. He said, “Oh, come here, kiddo,” and opened his arms wide for Kurt.
Kurt barely hesitated before stumbling into them to continue to cry on his father’s shoulder. He hiccupped. “Why…? He… he was… scared of me, dad. Am… am I that… that scary? I didn’t… I didn’t pursue him. It… it was just… just a crush. I… I love Adam. Why do people hate me?”
Burt’s heart broke. “Not everyone hates you Kurt. You have me, Adam, Eliza, Jake, Julie, Simon, Uncle Andy, Aunt Mildred, your grandparents, Mercedes, Tina, Brittany - the list goes on I’m sure.”
Kurt sniffled and rubbed his nose. “But daddy, there’s so many more that hate me for being who I am. Sometimes I think it would have been better if you hadn’t…”
Burt pushed away from Kurt slightly, resting his arms on his shoulders, looking down at him. He interrupted, “Don’t ever say that, Kurt! I know it’s tough! I know that sometimes you just want to give up. But you can’t leave me! You’re my world!”
Tearfully Kurt retorted, “You have Carol and Finn now though.”
“Oh, God, Kurt.” Burt pulled him into his arms in a bear-hug, letting Kurt feel the pain and turmoil his father was going though at the thought of losing him. “They’re not you! Finn is not my son! You are! How many times do I have to repeat this?”
“But I know you want him to be. I feel your emotions, dad! You can’t hide that from me!”
“Yeah, maybe I do. But you are my son already. I could never replace you.”
Kurt sniffled again. “I’m still sorry I got in the way of your happiness, dad. You’ve been so happy lately. I never wanted to be the reason for you not…”
Burt interrupted again, “Hold it right there, Kurt. You are not at fault here. You’re a victim. If anyone is at fault, it’s Finn.”
“But dad, if I wasn’t… if I wasn’t gay…”
Burt’s frustration and affection bubbled inside him. “How many times do I have to remind you, Kurt? You’re my son, Kurt. I told you, the place looks great. You obviously tried to stylishly create a barrier between the two of you, so he’d be more comfortable. It’s not your fault that he can’t deal with it. I bet he wouldn’t have a problem if it was a pretty girl he was sharing a room with. You’re supposed to be safe here, Kurt. I know how sensitive you are. I won’t have his thoughts and emotions poisoning this place for you. You need a place where you can retreat and get away from other people’s emotions. You’re my son. You’ll always come first. It’s part of being a father.”
“Were you really like that when you were a teenager?”
Burt nodded his head and drew back from the hug. “I was one of the worst. When your mom and I first realized you would probably end up being gay, I asked her if it was karma for the way I treated other gay kids back in high school. You know what she told me?”
“No, what?”
He smiled wryly. “She told me not to see it as a punishment but as a learning opportunity. Your mother was a very wise woman. And so selfless. Something the two of you have in common. More than I wish you did. Still, I’m glad that you, unlike her, can actually stand up for yourself. Don’t always try to make me happy. Make yourself happy first. It’s my job to look out for you, not the other way around. Keep that in mind, okay?”
Kurt smiled softly his eyes red and cheeks wet. “I love you dad.”
“I love you too, kiddo. Now, please, tell me if something’s wrong next time. How long have you known that Finn wasn’t comfortable rooming with you?”
Kurt muttered, “Since it was suggested.”
“And you never said anything. Not once.”
“I didn’t want to ruin this for you dad. I see how happy you are with Carol. I want that happiness in our house. I thought I could ignore the thing with Finn. I thought it might pass with time. Maybe he could get used to it with time. Instead… I just wanted you to be happy, dad. Is that too much to ask for?”
Burt asked, in a choked voice, “Is it too much to ask for that you be happy?”
Kurt answered softly, “Yes, it is.”
“Then it is for me too. Because I’ll never be happy as long as you aren’t.”
“Sometimes I can experience happiness because other people are happy. Does that count?”
“No, Kurt. I want you to be happy. You’re the person I care about. How did you become so selfless?”
Kurt shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it has to do with feeling other people’s pain stronger than your own. At times it’s difficult to distinguish what you’re feeling and what other people are feeling. Sometimes I literally can’t.”
“What do you do then?”
“I retreat to places like this room, where it’s silent.”
“When Finn grows up a bit and we can give this living together another try, I’ll make sure that you don’t share a room again. If necessary, he’ll take the room underneath the stairs.”
Kurt’s eyes widened in panic. “No! Don’t put him in there! That place feels wrong!”
Burt frowned in confusion. “Kurt?”
“I - I don’t know how you could have missed it when buying the place, dad, but something happened there. Something horrible. Don’t put him in there.”
“Then it’s either going to be building the extension or buying a new house.”
“If we go with the new house, can I pick my room first and help choose it? I can warn you about anything like the thing under the stairs.”
“Sure, kiddo. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Say, dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you mind if I cuddle with you a while still? You’re really warm on the inside and outside. It’s nice.”
Burt shook his head. “Anything you want, Kurt.”
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter