Chasing Dreams - Chapter 3
Title: Chasing Dreams
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 3
Kurt sighed in comfort as he lay down on the grass next to a clear pond. On his other side was a rustic log cabin that always had a warm fire burning. He knew from other times visiting here, that it was very sparsely decorated. There was a queen sized bed, a little cooking unit, a refrigerator, which always held exactly what Kurt wanted, a table, two chairs and a soft couch vis-à-vis the fireplace. Everything was made out of wood except for the cooking unit and the inside of the refrigerator.
Some goldfish and a few other fish Kurt didn’t recognize seemed to live in the pond. Despite the pond being so clear and looking very shallow, Kurt knew that it was actually quite deep. He’d once tried to reach the bottom with his hand, but hadn’t been able to reach that far.
One of the strange things about this place was the fact that he seemed to never grow older or bigger. He still had the appearance of an eight-year-old. It was as if time stood still here since the time his mother had died.
Kurt stuck a finger into the pond and giggled slightly as a fish occasionally nipped at it. He knew, nothing here would harm him. Nothing here would do anything except give him a sense of peace - something he hardly knew in the real world anymore, other than when he was with his father.
Playing with the fish, Kurt wondered if he would come today. He didn’t always show up here; only sometimes when Kurt went to sleep early enough. Sometimes he’d only be there for a short while, before he left. Still, even if they rarely spoke, it was nice to have company in this place.
Just as he was thinking that, Kurt noticed another figure stepped out from the woods surrounding the little hut. He wondered if that’s what it looked like to him whenever Kurt appeared here. Still, Kurt smiled and removed his finger from the pond. He got up to greet the familiar stranger with wild dark blond hair and blue eyes.
The other boy smiled at Kurt. He said in, what Kurt now knew was a British accent, “Why, you’re here early.”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah. I don’t quite remember why. I think I might have tried to kill myself. I don’t think I succeeded though, or I wouldn’t be here.”
The other boy grew serious. “I’m glad. I would miss you if you were gone.”
Kurt scoffed, “But you’re not real.”
The other boy shrugged and offered Kurt a wry smile. “I used to think that you weren’t real either, until I realized that the times we meet up coincide with the overlap of our probable sleep schedule. That is, on the days you show up and I’m here. My dream is to find you in real life, so I can finally tell you my name.”
Kurt smiled. They’d tried introducing themselves when they’d first met, but hadn’t been able to speak their names. In the end, they just let it be. He replied, “I wish you would. Find me, that is. Everything here is so peaceful and calm. Back in the real world… it just hurts so much. Everyone hates me, dislikes me or doesn’t give a damn about me. Everyone other than my family, that is.”
He spoke earnestly, “You have to stay strong. If you die, then how can I find you? I’d never know. I’d just keep on searching for you.”
Kurt felt the warmth of this place seep through him, washing away all the negative feelings he’d been developing. It was impossible to be unhappy here. He should have known better. “I’m sorry.”
“Please tell me, why does everyone hate you?” he begged.
Kurt looked away. “Because I’m gay.”
The other boy frowned and asked, confused, “I am too. And certainly, there are people who frown on it. But they’re far and between.”
“Then you’re lucky,” Kurt spat. “They treat me like I have the plague or something similar. Don’t touch the fag, he might turn you into a fairy with the pixie dust and rainbows that he throws around everywhere he goes.”
The other boy frowned and furrowed his brow. “Why would they call you a cigarette? That doesn’t make sense.”
Kurt giggled and swatted the other boy. “I’ll have to use that retort sometime. In America it’s a derogatory term for someone who’s gay,” Kurt explained with a grimace.
He continued, “Additionally, haven’t they figure out yet that being homosexual is just as contagious as being transsexual is - namely not at all? It isn’t a sickness.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “They’re not the most intelligent. As a matter of fact, I’d go as far as to call them Neanderthals.”
“You do know that Neanderthals had larger brains than we do, don’t you?”
“I can’t exactly call them Homo Errectus to their faces. They’d think that I meant that they’d had a homosexually inclined erection or something as silly as that.”
“Then tell them that they’re obviously stuck in the Paleolithic era and they should stick to knocking two rocks together to make fire, rather than pick on you. If they want to enter the Neolithic, then they have to learn how to function as a society. Something they’ve obviously not learned, since they’re still picking on you, a member of society. They shouldn’t pick on you, they should band together with you against outsiders.”
Kurt sighed and smiled sadly. “Except that in this case, I’m the outsider they’re banding together against.”
He insisted, “Then just tell them to leave the Stone Age behind and enter the modern era. One day they’ll be working for you anyways. That’s what you always say, right?”
Kurt smiled. “Thank you.”
The other boy softly caressed Kurt’s cheek. “No problem at all.” He leaned forwards to rub his nose against Kurt’s as they’d been doing for the past few years. He drew back again and looked into Kurt’s eyes. “You know, if you didn’t look like a kid here, I’d totally kiss you.”
Kurt scowled. “I’m fifteen.”
He shrugged. “I’m eighteen. So it’s still not allowed. Besides, I’d prefer our first kiss to happen in real life - not here.”
“You promise you’ll find me? And you will kiss me?” Kurt implored.
The blond boy turned a lopsided smile on Kurt. “I promise. I’m going to university in the States. So that’s a step in the right direction.”
“What universities?”
“In…” the boy paused, trying to move his mouth, but finding himself unable to.
Kurt gave him a small smile. “I guess we’ll have to figure out a way around that. Personally, I’ve always dreamed of New York. I don’t know if I’ll get there though. At this point I don’t really know if I’ll survive to graduate. If things get much worse…” Kurt looked to the ground.
“Think of me.”
Kurt looked up. “What?”
“If things get worse, come here and think of me. I’ll try to respond. Somehow I can usually tell when you’re calling me here. And next year I’ll be in a different time zone. We won’t have to rely on the few hours that we have at night when we see each other. We’ll have more.”
Kurt giggled. “That would be nice. More time together in our own little Never Never Land. So, are we kinda dating now?”
The older boy shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t think so. I think it’s more like a promise to date whenever we find each other. To be honest, there’s a high chance I won’t find you. I wouldn’t want to take away the chance for you to date because you think you have to stay true to me.”
“Will you pinky swear with me to date me once you find me?” Kurt asked innocently.
The blond headed boy nodded and linked his pinky with Kurt’s. “I swear.” He smiled cheerfully. “That’s the easiest thing I ever swore to. I simply can’t imagine ever finding anyone as interesting as you, to date and fall in love with. I’m pretty sure that once I find you, you’ll be the only one I’ll ever want.”
Kurt smiled. “Same here. Cuddle?” He held out his arms.
“By the fire?”
“Sure.”
“I’d love to.” The other boy picked Kurt up and carried him into the hut, where there was two cups of steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows sitting on table. A nice warm and fluffy crimson blanket was spread out over the couch. The boys picked up their hot chocolate and cocooned themselves together in the blanket on the couch.
Kurt said, “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to stay here together forever and never wake up? To never have to face the hatred of the homophobes - or anything really - of the outside world? Wouldn’t that be nice? To just stay here together forever?”
“Yeah, but then I think about all the things I’d miss: my family, my friends, growing up, going to college, starring in a production on West End. Here I’ll always be the same twelve-year-old kid I was when I got my kidney transplant. I couldn’t put my parents through a scare like that again. They almost lost me then - can’t imagine what they’d do if they lost me for good now. It’s all I could do to make them agree to let me go to university in the States, when there’s a perfectly good musical college in England. They still forced me to audition for it. I got in too. But I still chose the one in the States.”
“But, isn’t that one in England one of the best schools for musical theater in the world? How could you choose one here over that?”
“If I stay in England, then it’s that much less likely that I’ll find you.”
Kurt blushed.
He smiled softly as he insisted, “I’m serious. And… if we stay here together forever I’ll never be able to kiss you without feeling like a pervert, because you look like you’re eight years old.”
Kurt frowned. “I really do want that, you know. Would a single kiss really hurt?”
He shook his head. “I want it too. So much. But we can’t. I love you, my strange dream companion. And it’s really all about who you are inside. That’s what I love. I mean, sure, you were a cute eight year old. But I can’t… I can’t find myself attracted to that. When I imagine what you might look like now, when I age your feature’s in my mind, then I see that you’re going to be an attractive man someday. But like this?”
Kurt sighed and pouted. “You know, I want to grow older here too. I’m still the same age I was when I watched my mother die.”
He asked, surprised, “You were there when your mum died?”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “No, I wasn’t there, silly. I had a vision of it. I felt it too, as the branch went through her head. The instant before she died, she was in so much pain. It’s a really painful, if short way to die. I never want to die like that.”
Solemnly, the other boy asked, “How do you want to die?”
Kurt smiled somewhat wistfully, “Painlessly. Preferably in my sleep. I spend too much time on my appearance to accept any other way to die. I want to look as pretty in death as I did in life, so people can comment on how it looks like I’m sleeping. I want to be a pretty dead body.”
He quipped, “I doubt you could be anything but a pretty body, unless your body was torn to shreds or hacked to pieces by a psychopathic serial killer or a machine.”
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Thanks for the lovely visuals.”
The boy chirped back, “Anytime.”
Kurt frowned. “I don’t want to leave here. You can come and go, but I’ll stay here until you find me. That way I won’t have to bother with serial killers, bullies, visions and whatnot.”
“Isn’t there anything you’ll miss?”
Kurt paused for a moment before responding, “My dad. And fashion. I can’t look through the newest Vogue magazine here.”
“Isn’t that worth going back to?”
Kurt shook his head. “It isn’t worth everything else. I mean, you reach a certain point where living is more work and so painful that you just have to get out. I know. I was there.”
His voice rose slightly, “So, you’re going to just give up and wait for me?”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah.”
He paused a moment to take a deep breath and let it out, reigning in the frustration he felt. “You’re going to give those bullies the satisfaction of knowing that they were able to get rid of you? You’re going to just let them win? I thought you were stronger than that.”
Kurt bit his lip and looked away. “I… guess?”
He turned Kurt’s face to look at him again, though Kurt still avoided eye-contact. “You know, nothing’s going to change. They’ll just do it again to the next gay kid that goes to that school - or maybe a kid that isn’t gay, just different. The kid could be a lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, intersexual - they could be a kid who grew up with New Age beliefs or a Buddhist. The only thing that matters is that they’re a minority. Do you really want to give them the message that behavior like that is acceptable? That they can get away with it and get rid of their problems by letting them kill themselves? As long as no one teaches them a lesson and forces them to listen to it, things will stay the same. If those kids follow the same path as you chose, our society will end up overflowing with jocks and idiots without enough intelligent people to survive in this day and age.”
Kurt sniffed. “I didn’t think about it like that. I still can’t go back, though. They’ll all be talking about my attempted suicide. They’ll all be thinking about how I was such a big failure that I couldn’t even do that right. I’ll be a laughing stock and I won’t even be able to ignore it because I’ll hear all their thoughts in my head.”
“Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask; did you have your abilities all your life?” he asked changing the subject.
Kurt felt relief flood him as he nodded. “Yeah. Ever since I can remember. Why?”
“I didn’t. It only showed up about the age I appear here.”
“Maybe you got it from whoever gave you your kidney.”
“Nah, that can’t be it. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer.”
“Does anyone else in your family have it?”
“Well, no. Not as far as I know at least…”
Kurt insisted, “In my family it’s hereditary. So, my bet is that it is from the person who gave you that kidney.”
He frowned slightly. “I don’t know. I’ve heard about things like that happening with hearts, but never with kidneys.”
Kurt shrugged. “Whatever. I, for one, am glad it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think we’d be meeting here.”
The pre-teen sighed. “I wish people didn’t have to think so loudly though or have so many feelings. It gets really distracting when you’re not on stage and feeding off those emotions.”
Kurt smiled wryly. “I never noticed that. I’m not really on stage enough for that.”
“Isn’t there a theater or something you can participate in school? Or something music related?”
“We have a Glee Club, but… let’s just say that I don’t trust the guy who leads it to keep his hands to himself behind closed doors. The thoughts that run through his head…” Kurt shivered. “Unlike you, he actually is a pedophile. And he finds me attractive. So I try and avoid him.”
He nodded. “Makes sense.”
Kurt pouted. “I still want you to kiss me. I want to share my first kiss with you.”
“It won’t be real.”
“I don’t care. Please,” Kurt begged.
The other boy bit his lip. “Okay.” Kurt smiled. “On one condition.”
Kurt asked, “What?”
“You live.”
Kurt blinked. “Huh? I live?”
The blond nodded. “Yes. You leave here and just come back occasionally, like we have in the past. You don’t hurt yourself, you don’t try to kill yourself. You survive and you live.”
“Do I have to?” Kurt whined.
He nodded again. “Yes. If you don’t promise, I won’t kiss you. I need a guarantee that you’ll try to find me as readily as I’m going to try and find you.”
Kurt frowned. “Fine. I promise. I’ll live and look for you as well.”
The older boy smiled. “Good. I look forward to it.” He pulled the empty cup of hot chocolate out of Kurt’s hands and placed it on the floor off to the side along with his own.
Kurt looked up at him, his cheeks burning. His stomach felt like it was full of butterflies as he smiled nervously.
The blond gently stroked Kurt’s jaw. “It’s okay. Just trust me.”
Kurt watched as the other boy closed his eyes and leaned in. As their lips met, Kurt felt a sensation of warmth pass through and envelop him. His eyes closed as well as he felt the love from both of them mingle and grow. Even though it was very simple and chaste - a simple press of lips on his own - he felt as their connection seemed to grow and thrive.
As the kiss came to a natural closure, Kurt leaned back and blinked. Simultaneously they uttered, “Wow…” Kurt giggled.
The blond continued, “I have to admit, I’ve kissed boys before. But it never felt like that. It was… it was…”
“Almost as if we were slowly becoming one emotionally,” Kurt finished breathlessly.
“Yeah. You know, even if I feel like a pedophile for asking - can we do that again?”
Kurt nodded eagerly. “Yeah.”
“Do you believe in soulmates?” he asked suddenly.
Kurt shook his head. “I don’t believe in God, let alone fate.”
With a half-smile the boy commented, “Well, I never believed in them before. But now… Now I think I’m reconsidering. I’m thinking the two of us may very well be soul-mates.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and responded stiffly, “Or it’s a byproduct of us both being empaths.”
He rolled his eyes. “Always so logical. Where is the logic of this place? Of us meeting here? What is the probability? Maybe it’s time to just believe.”
Kurt let himself relax and smiled. “Maybe. If anything led me to believe in soul-mates, it would be this.”
He brushed Kurt’s cheek with his thumb softly. “Then just let yourself believe and stop caring about the logic. Accept the fact that this thing between us - whatever it is - simply doesn’t follow logic.”
Kurt smile softened. “I think I’m starting to believe.”
The blond smiled warmly and kissed Kurt again.
***
They chatted, cuddled and exchanged innocent kisses until it was time for the other boy to wake up. Kurt decided that it was time to make good on his promise as well and wake up too. Reluctantly he let go of his hold on the place in order to return to the land of the living.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 3
Kurt sighed in comfort as he lay down on the grass next to a clear pond. On his other side was a rustic log cabin that always had a warm fire burning. He knew from other times visiting here, that it was very sparsely decorated. There was a queen sized bed, a little cooking unit, a refrigerator, which always held exactly what Kurt wanted, a table, two chairs and a soft couch vis-à-vis the fireplace. Everything was made out of wood except for the cooking unit and the inside of the refrigerator.
Some goldfish and a few other fish Kurt didn’t recognize seemed to live in the pond. Despite the pond being so clear and looking very shallow, Kurt knew that it was actually quite deep. He’d once tried to reach the bottom with his hand, but hadn’t been able to reach that far.
One of the strange things about this place was the fact that he seemed to never grow older or bigger. He still had the appearance of an eight-year-old. It was as if time stood still here since the time his mother had died.
Kurt stuck a finger into the pond and giggled slightly as a fish occasionally nipped at it. He knew, nothing here would harm him. Nothing here would do anything except give him a sense of peace - something he hardly knew in the real world anymore, other than when he was with his father.
Playing with the fish, Kurt wondered if he would come today. He didn’t always show up here; only sometimes when Kurt went to sleep early enough. Sometimes he’d only be there for a short while, before he left. Still, even if they rarely spoke, it was nice to have company in this place.
Just as he was thinking that, Kurt noticed another figure stepped out from the woods surrounding the little hut. He wondered if that’s what it looked like to him whenever Kurt appeared here. Still, Kurt smiled and removed his finger from the pond. He got up to greet the familiar stranger with wild dark blond hair and blue eyes.
The other boy smiled at Kurt. He said in, what Kurt now knew was a British accent, “Why, you’re here early.”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah. I don’t quite remember why. I think I might have tried to kill myself. I don’t think I succeeded though, or I wouldn’t be here.”
The other boy grew serious. “I’m glad. I would miss you if you were gone.”
Kurt scoffed, “But you’re not real.”
The other boy shrugged and offered Kurt a wry smile. “I used to think that you weren’t real either, until I realized that the times we meet up coincide with the overlap of our probable sleep schedule. That is, on the days you show up and I’m here. My dream is to find you in real life, so I can finally tell you my name.”
Kurt smiled. They’d tried introducing themselves when they’d first met, but hadn’t been able to speak their names. In the end, they just let it be. He replied, “I wish you would. Find me, that is. Everything here is so peaceful and calm. Back in the real world… it just hurts so much. Everyone hates me, dislikes me or doesn’t give a damn about me. Everyone other than my family, that is.”
He spoke earnestly, “You have to stay strong. If you die, then how can I find you? I’d never know. I’d just keep on searching for you.”
Kurt felt the warmth of this place seep through him, washing away all the negative feelings he’d been developing. It was impossible to be unhappy here. He should have known better. “I’m sorry.”
“Please tell me, why does everyone hate you?” he begged.
Kurt looked away. “Because I’m gay.”
The other boy frowned and asked, confused, “I am too. And certainly, there are people who frown on it. But they’re far and between.”
“Then you’re lucky,” Kurt spat. “They treat me like I have the plague or something similar. Don’t touch the fag, he might turn you into a fairy with the pixie dust and rainbows that he throws around everywhere he goes.”
The other boy frowned and furrowed his brow. “Why would they call you a cigarette? That doesn’t make sense.”
Kurt giggled and swatted the other boy. “I’ll have to use that retort sometime. In America it’s a derogatory term for someone who’s gay,” Kurt explained with a grimace.
He continued, “Additionally, haven’t they figure out yet that being homosexual is just as contagious as being transsexual is - namely not at all? It isn’t a sickness.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “They’re not the most intelligent. As a matter of fact, I’d go as far as to call them Neanderthals.”
“You do know that Neanderthals had larger brains than we do, don’t you?”
“I can’t exactly call them Homo Errectus to their faces. They’d think that I meant that they’d had a homosexually inclined erection or something as silly as that.”
“Then tell them that they’re obviously stuck in the Paleolithic era and they should stick to knocking two rocks together to make fire, rather than pick on you. If they want to enter the Neolithic, then they have to learn how to function as a society. Something they’ve obviously not learned, since they’re still picking on you, a member of society. They shouldn’t pick on you, they should band together with you against outsiders.”
Kurt sighed and smiled sadly. “Except that in this case, I’m the outsider they’re banding together against.”
He insisted, “Then just tell them to leave the Stone Age behind and enter the modern era. One day they’ll be working for you anyways. That’s what you always say, right?”
Kurt smiled. “Thank you.”
The other boy softly caressed Kurt’s cheek. “No problem at all.” He leaned forwards to rub his nose against Kurt’s as they’d been doing for the past few years. He drew back again and looked into Kurt’s eyes. “You know, if you didn’t look like a kid here, I’d totally kiss you.”
Kurt scowled. “I’m fifteen.”
He shrugged. “I’m eighteen. So it’s still not allowed. Besides, I’d prefer our first kiss to happen in real life - not here.”
“You promise you’ll find me? And you will kiss me?” Kurt implored.
The blond boy turned a lopsided smile on Kurt. “I promise. I’m going to university in the States. So that’s a step in the right direction.”
“What universities?”
“In…” the boy paused, trying to move his mouth, but finding himself unable to.
Kurt gave him a small smile. “I guess we’ll have to figure out a way around that. Personally, I’ve always dreamed of New York. I don’t know if I’ll get there though. At this point I don’t really know if I’ll survive to graduate. If things get much worse…” Kurt looked to the ground.
“Think of me.”
Kurt looked up. “What?”
“If things get worse, come here and think of me. I’ll try to respond. Somehow I can usually tell when you’re calling me here. And next year I’ll be in a different time zone. We won’t have to rely on the few hours that we have at night when we see each other. We’ll have more.”
Kurt giggled. “That would be nice. More time together in our own little Never Never Land. So, are we kinda dating now?”
The older boy shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t think so. I think it’s more like a promise to date whenever we find each other. To be honest, there’s a high chance I won’t find you. I wouldn’t want to take away the chance for you to date because you think you have to stay true to me.”
“Will you pinky swear with me to date me once you find me?” Kurt asked innocently.
The blond headed boy nodded and linked his pinky with Kurt’s. “I swear.” He smiled cheerfully. “That’s the easiest thing I ever swore to. I simply can’t imagine ever finding anyone as interesting as you, to date and fall in love with. I’m pretty sure that once I find you, you’ll be the only one I’ll ever want.”
Kurt smiled. “Same here. Cuddle?” He held out his arms.
“By the fire?”
“Sure.”
“I’d love to.” The other boy picked Kurt up and carried him into the hut, where there was two cups of steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows sitting on table. A nice warm and fluffy crimson blanket was spread out over the couch. The boys picked up their hot chocolate and cocooned themselves together in the blanket on the couch.
Kurt said, “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to stay here together forever and never wake up? To never have to face the hatred of the homophobes - or anything really - of the outside world? Wouldn’t that be nice? To just stay here together forever?”
“Yeah, but then I think about all the things I’d miss: my family, my friends, growing up, going to college, starring in a production on West End. Here I’ll always be the same twelve-year-old kid I was when I got my kidney transplant. I couldn’t put my parents through a scare like that again. They almost lost me then - can’t imagine what they’d do if they lost me for good now. It’s all I could do to make them agree to let me go to university in the States, when there’s a perfectly good musical college in England. They still forced me to audition for it. I got in too. But I still chose the one in the States.”
“But, isn’t that one in England one of the best schools for musical theater in the world? How could you choose one here over that?”
“If I stay in England, then it’s that much less likely that I’ll find you.”
Kurt blushed.
He smiled softly as he insisted, “I’m serious. And… if we stay here together forever I’ll never be able to kiss you without feeling like a pervert, because you look like you’re eight years old.”
Kurt frowned. “I really do want that, you know. Would a single kiss really hurt?”
He shook his head. “I want it too. So much. But we can’t. I love you, my strange dream companion. And it’s really all about who you are inside. That’s what I love. I mean, sure, you were a cute eight year old. But I can’t… I can’t find myself attracted to that. When I imagine what you might look like now, when I age your feature’s in my mind, then I see that you’re going to be an attractive man someday. But like this?”
Kurt sighed and pouted. “You know, I want to grow older here too. I’m still the same age I was when I watched my mother die.”
He asked, surprised, “You were there when your mum died?”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “No, I wasn’t there, silly. I had a vision of it. I felt it too, as the branch went through her head. The instant before she died, she was in so much pain. It’s a really painful, if short way to die. I never want to die like that.”
Solemnly, the other boy asked, “How do you want to die?”
Kurt smiled somewhat wistfully, “Painlessly. Preferably in my sleep. I spend too much time on my appearance to accept any other way to die. I want to look as pretty in death as I did in life, so people can comment on how it looks like I’m sleeping. I want to be a pretty dead body.”
He quipped, “I doubt you could be anything but a pretty body, unless your body was torn to shreds or hacked to pieces by a psychopathic serial killer or a machine.”
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Thanks for the lovely visuals.”
The boy chirped back, “Anytime.”
Kurt frowned. “I don’t want to leave here. You can come and go, but I’ll stay here until you find me. That way I won’t have to bother with serial killers, bullies, visions and whatnot.”
“Isn’t there anything you’ll miss?”
Kurt paused for a moment before responding, “My dad. And fashion. I can’t look through the newest Vogue magazine here.”
“Isn’t that worth going back to?”
Kurt shook his head. “It isn’t worth everything else. I mean, you reach a certain point where living is more work and so painful that you just have to get out. I know. I was there.”
His voice rose slightly, “So, you’re going to just give up and wait for me?”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah.”
He paused a moment to take a deep breath and let it out, reigning in the frustration he felt. “You’re going to give those bullies the satisfaction of knowing that they were able to get rid of you? You’re going to just let them win? I thought you were stronger than that.”
Kurt bit his lip and looked away. “I… guess?”
He turned Kurt’s face to look at him again, though Kurt still avoided eye-contact. “You know, nothing’s going to change. They’ll just do it again to the next gay kid that goes to that school - or maybe a kid that isn’t gay, just different. The kid could be a lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, intersexual - they could be a kid who grew up with New Age beliefs or a Buddhist. The only thing that matters is that they’re a minority. Do you really want to give them the message that behavior like that is acceptable? That they can get away with it and get rid of their problems by letting them kill themselves? As long as no one teaches them a lesson and forces them to listen to it, things will stay the same. If those kids follow the same path as you chose, our society will end up overflowing with jocks and idiots without enough intelligent people to survive in this day and age.”
Kurt sniffed. “I didn’t think about it like that. I still can’t go back, though. They’ll all be talking about my attempted suicide. They’ll all be thinking about how I was such a big failure that I couldn’t even do that right. I’ll be a laughing stock and I won’t even be able to ignore it because I’ll hear all their thoughts in my head.”
“Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask; did you have your abilities all your life?” he asked changing the subject.
Kurt felt relief flood him as he nodded. “Yeah. Ever since I can remember. Why?”
“I didn’t. It only showed up about the age I appear here.”
“Maybe you got it from whoever gave you your kidney.”
“Nah, that can’t be it. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer.”
“Does anyone else in your family have it?”
“Well, no. Not as far as I know at least…”
Kurt insisted, “In my family it’s hereditary. So, my bet is that it is from the person who gave you that kidney.”
He frowned slightly. “I don’t know. I’ve heard about things like that happening with hearts, but never with kidneys.”
Kurt shrugged. “Whatever. I, for one, am glad it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think we’d be meeting here.”
The pre-teen sighed. “I wish people didn’t have to think so loudly though or have so many feelings. It gets really distracting when you’re not on stage and feeding off those emotions.”
Kurt smiled wryly. “I never noticed that. I’m not really on stage enough for that.”
“Isn’t there a theater or something you can participate in school? Or something music related?”
“We have a Glee Club, but… let’s just say that I don’t trust the guy who leads it to keep his hands to himself behind closed doors. The thoughts that run through his head…” Kurt shivered. “Unlike you, he actually is a pedophile. And he finds me attractive. So I try and avoid him.”
He nodded. “Makes sense.”
Kurt pouted. “I still want you to kiss me. I want to share my first kiss with you.”
“It won’t be real.”
“I don’t care. Please,” Kurt begged.
The other boy bit his lip. “Okay.” Kurt smiled. “On one condition.”
Kurt asked, “What?”
“You live.”
Kurt blinked. “Huh? I live?”
The blond nodded. “Yes. You leave here and just come back occasionally, like we have in the past. You don’t hurt yourself, you don’t try to kill yourself. You survive and you live.”
“Do I have to?” Kurt whined.
He nodded again. “Yes. If you don’t promise, I won’t kiss you. I need a guarantee that you’ll try to find me as readily as I’m going to try and find you.”
Kurt frowned. “Fine. I promise. I’ll live and look for you as well.”
The older boy smiled. “Good. I look forward to it.” He pulled the empty cup of hot chocolate out of Kurt’s hands and placed it on the floor off to the side along with his own.
Kurt looked up at him, his cheeks burning. His stomach felt like it was full of butterflies as he smiled nervously.
The blond gently stroked Kurt’s jaw. “It’s okay. Just trust me.”
Kurt watched as the other boy closed his eyes and leaned in. As their lips met, Kurt felt a sensation of warmth pass through and envelop him. His eyes closed as well as he felt the love from both of them mingle and grow. Even though it was very simple and chaste - a simple press of lips on his own - he felt as their connection seemed to grow and thrive.
As the kiss came to a natural closure, Kurt leaned back and blinked. Simultaneously they uttered, “Wow…” Kurt giggled.
The blond continued, “I have to admit, I’ve kissed boys before. But it never felt like that. It was… it was…”
“Almost as if we were slowly becoming one emotionally,” Kurt finished breathlessly.
“Yeah. You know, even if I feel like a pedophile for asking - can we do that again?”
Kurt nodded eagerly. “Yeah.”
“Do you believe in soulmates?” he asked suddenly.
Kurt shook his head. “I don’t believe in God, let alone fate.”
With a half-smile the boy commented, “Well, I never believed in them before. But now… Now I think I’m reconsidering. I’m thinking the two of us may very well be soul-mates.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and responded stiffly, “Or it’s a byproduct of us both being empaths.”
He rolled his eyes. “Always so logical. Where is the logic of this place? Of us meeting here? What is the probability? Maybe it’s time to just believe.”
Kurt let himself relax and smiled. “Maybe. If anything led me to believe in soul-mates, it would be this.”
He brushed Kurt’s cheek with his thumb softly. “Then just let yourself believe and stop caring about the logic. Accept the fact that this thing between us - whatever it is - simply doesn’t follow logic.”
Kurt smile softened. “I think I’m starting to believe.”
The blond smiled warmly and kissed Kurt again.
***
They chatted, cuddled and exchanged innocent kisses until it was time for the other boy to wake up. Kurt decided that it was time to make good on his promise as well and wake up too. Reluctantly he let go of his hold on the place in order to return to the land of the living.
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