Roses of the Alps - Chapter Nine
Title: Roses of the Alps
Summary: Burt has his heart attack towards the end of Kurt's sophomore year and dies from it, leaving Kurt orphaned. His family, unable to care for him, send him off to an international boarding school in Switzerland, where one of his ancestors is an alumni.
Meanwhile, Sebastian got into trouble once too often and gets kicked out of his school in Paris. Figuring that he won't be able to get into as much trouble in the middle of nowhere in the Alps, his parents send him off to the same school as Kurt.
While Kurt is trying to get over his father's death, he and Sebastian meet and start a friendship with benefits, that has potential to become more.
Rating: M
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Character Death, Dub-Con
Other Pairings: None
Beta: shadowwanderer (my sister) and jassanja
Artist: Freakingpotter
Word-count: 54 076
A/N: Huge thanks to my sister and my friend Jassanja, who jumped in to beta-read for me, when none of the betas who signed up here, who I wrote, answered the messages I sent to them. Also, kudos, hugs and thanks to Freakingpotter for the wonderful art. ^^
Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three Part 1 | Chapter Three Part 2 | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven Part 1 | Chapter Seven Part 2 | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve Part 1 | Chapter Twelve Part 2 | Epilogue
Chapter Nine
Kurt managed to put off both the snowboarding and the snowball fight with Sebastian for several weeks, seeing as the teachers were all trying to cram the last tests in before the semester ended and still have enough time to correct them, grade them, return them and have talks with all the students about their grades.
Whenever Kurt was studying in the library, Sebastian seemed to have a sixth sense for where Kurt was and always managed to join him. Sometimes, he’d study alongside Kurt, sometimes he’d study with Kurt. Since he was a Math level above Kurt, he would often help Kurt study for both his own tests as well as the ones at level higher. Kurt noticed several times that Sebastian would put his own material aside when he saw that Kurt was working on Math in order to help him. Kurt just couldn’t understand why.
For their Music test, a song performed in front of their classes, with an instrument of their choice, Kurt found Sebastian critiquing him and making comments that were actually helpful instead of snide and rude. Kurt tried to return the favor as well as he could, but had the feeling that Sebastian was actually better at listening and critiquing than he was.
The thing that surprised Kurt the most, though, was when Sebastian showed up at his dorm room with books in toe. Urs and Reto actually let him in and he quickly went to the bathroom to hide his medication.
After Sebastian had left, he gave them a tongue lashing, “You can’t just let him in here! What if I’d had my pills out where he could see them?”
Urs just shook his head. “He is your boyfriend. He should know.”
“He’s not my real boyfriend. You know that as well as I do! He doesn’t have to know how fucked up I am!”
Reto piped up, “He makes you smile. He acts like your boyfriend.”
“Yes, exactly. He acts like it. It’s just a role he’s playing out.”
“That does not have hand or foot. He has never played that part around us.”
Urs added, “You are kicking his feelings with your feet. That is why he was upset in the common room when we had just returned from vacation.”
Kurt sniffed. “I sincerely doubt that. Now leave me alone. I have to concentrate here.” He sat down on his bed demonstratively with a book.
“On more homework? On more studying?” Urs asked.
Reto said, “You are leaving this room now. Everyone is required to spend some time in the common room. That’s what the rules say.”
Kurt grumbled, “Oh, fine, have it your way - but I’m bringing my books with me.”
“Als ob wir mittlerweile etwas anderes von dir erwarten würden.”(As if we’d expect anything else of you by now.)
“Ich muss lernen. Ich darf meine Familie nicht enttäuschen.”(I have to study. I can’t disappoint my family.)
“Manchmal glaube ich, du bist mehr tot als lebendig.”(Sometimes I think that you’re more dead than alive.)
“Ist das etwas schlechtes?”(Is that a bad thing?)
“Gib nicht so schnell auf.”(Don’t give up so quickly.)
Urs added, “Wie Schiller es in Wilhelm Tell schrieb, ‘Das alte stürzt, es ändert sich die Zeit. Und neues Leben blüht in den Ruinen.’” (As Schiller wrote in Wilhelm Tell, ‘The old falls, the times change. And new life blossoms in the ruins.’)
Kurt shook his head and covered his ears. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear it! He can’t care for me. He can’t. He can’t!” He started sobbing, arms clutching his legs to himself, book having fallen to the side, seemingly forgotten.
Urs sat down next to him and looped an arm around his shoulders. “Why do you say that?”
Kurt shook his head. “I don’t want him to. He can’t care for me!”
“Why?”
“Because then he’ll leave.”
“What?” Urs and Reto demanded in dismay.
“Everyone leaves.”
Urs asked, “What makes you think such things?”
“Because everyone…” he drew in a strangled breath, “eventually leaves. My mom, my dad, my friends in the States, everyone!”
Reto commented, “We haven’t left you.”
“You will. When we don’t room together, you won’t have to care!”
“But we care about you.”
“That doesn’t matter! It’s never mattered before. Why should it now?”
“Du hast echt einen Schaden, wenn du so denkst!” (You’re seriously screwed up, if you believe that!)
Kurt clung tighter to himself. “I know. I’m screwed up. That’s why I’m on meds. That’s why I have to talk to talk to a shrink. Do you think I do that just for fun? I know that I’m messed up in the head, but I always lose everyone. I’m always going to be alone. Can’t you see that?”
Urs scowled at Reto. “You are not crazy. You are just having difficulties healing. Give it time.”
“Time heals all wounds, eh? But it doesn’t. They’re still there. I should know. It’s been years since my mom died and it still hurts. It won’t be any different with my dad.”
“You are being pessimistic. We will bring you to the nurse.”
“No! I can’t go out looking like this! What if Sebastian sees me?”
“I think he already suspects something is wrong. How often has he asked you how you are doing?”
“Several times. It’s been getting more frequent, too. I tell him I’m fine.”
“How often does he accept your answer?”
“No…”
“Then, you see, it makes no difference if you go out looking like this or not.”
“Thinking something’s wrong is different than knowing it is! I refuse!”
“Do we need to carry you there?”
“Leave me alone!”
“We will, you know.”
Reto piped in. “We made a promise to you. You must see the nurse.”
Finally Kurt deflated. “Fine - but let me wash my face first.”
Reto dug into Kurt’s pack and pulled out his package of moist towelettes and handed him one. “So you can’t change your mind.”
Kurt added, “I’m wearing a hat, though.”
Urs rolled his eyes. “Wie auch immer. Gehen wir.” (Whatever. Let’s go.)
Kurt pulled out a hat and dipped it low into his face, to hide the signs of crying from anyone who might have seen. “I’m fine. You don’t have to do this.”
“You are not fine. How many times must we tell you this?”
“I am fine! I’m taking my meds. I’m talking to the shrink. I’m doing everything I’m told.”
“But it is not helping!”
“Because there’s nothing wrong with me!”
“If there is nothing wrong with you, why must you take medication?”
“Because doctors like to prescribe medication. It’s one of the places they get their money from.”
“Why do you take it, then?”
“Because I don’t want to make people worry.”
“Well, I am worried. Reto is worried. Sebastian is worried. Should I go on?”
“I’m still fine.”
“You are not fine! You are coming with us now.”
Kurt barely put up a token of resistance as he was dragged to the medical station. He kept his head down, but was glad that Sebastian hadn’t seemed to have spotted them. Kurt figured that he must have already returned to his dorm.
At the medical station, they trooped him over to where the psychotherapist was just packing up her stuff to go home for the day.
She looked up at the trio and smiled. “Ah, Kurt. One of my favorite patients. How are you doing today?”
He grumbled. “I’m fine. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“You were telling me about those boots you saw in the newest vogue issue. Have you decided what to do about them yet?”
“I still can’t afford them.”
“That’s a pity. So, these are your roommates, then?”
“Yes.”
“Will you introduce me to them?”
“No.”
“Why ever not?”
“I’m mad at them.”
“Why are you mad at them?”
“Because they forced me to come here, despite the fact that I’m doing fine.”
“Fine? Not well?”
“Fine.”
“Then it could be better.”
“It could always be better.”
“How is your new medication working for you?”
“Fine.”
“I guess we’ll have to either up the dosage then or try yet another one. You know, Kurt, you’re a very difficult boy to find the right medication for.”
“Whatever.”
“Now, why don’t you tell me what your fight was actually about?”
Reto opened his mouth to answer, but she shot him a look and shook her head minutely, effectively shutting him up.
Kurt sat down in one of the upholstered chairs. “Do I have to?”
“You know we need to talk about these things so, please, talk to me.”
“I’ve told you about Sebastian, right?”
“Your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend. Why does everyone think he is?”
“Okay, then your male friend with benefits, who acts like your boyfriend. I think I’ll abbreviate it by calling him your boyfriend.”
“Whatever. They want me to tell Sebastian about…” he gestured around with his hand, “all of this stuff.”
“And why don’t you want him to know?”
“He doesn’t have to know.”
“Why doesn’t he have to know?”
“Because it doesn’t concern him.”
“Why doesn’t it concern him?”
“Because he isn’t my boyfriend.”
“Why isn’t he your boyfriend?”
“Because I don’t want a boyfriend and neither does he.”
“Why don’t you want a boyfriend?”
“I… I just don’t!”
“Why?”
“Because, I don’t want to lose him!”
“Why would you lose him, if you dated him?”
“Because I lose everyone I care about.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I don’t think it. It’s fact. If I don’t have something, I can’t lose it.”
“How would you feel if you lost Sebastian now?”
Kurt buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know.”
“How did you feel when you were separated over Christmas?”
“I missed him. Things were slightly better when he was around.”
“What did you miss most?”
“Warmth, comfort, care. I don’t know.”
“I think you do know. You would miss him, if you lost him; wouldn’t you? You care for him; don’t you?”
“No! I don’t! I can’t! I won’t!”
“You know, Kurt, you haven’t lost everyone. You told me that Mercedes and Brittany still keep in touch with you.”
“Mercedes is too involved with herself and Brittany currently thinks I’ve been abducted by aliens. I heard from the grapevine that she still believes in Santa Claus.”
“I think that’s rather sweet. Such innocence is rare in this day and age.”
“I can’t contact Finn or Carole, though. I don’t want to remind them.”
“Are you sure that they don’t want to be reminded?”
“They haven’t tried to contact me, either.”
“Maybe they think that you don’t want to be reminded. Did that occur to you?”
“No - but they can avoid the pain. I can’t. They can just go back to the lives they had before they met us. I didn’t have a life before I met my dad.”
“And that’s the root of the problem, isn’t it? You don’t know how to live on your own yet and you don’t have anyone to show you or tell you how.”
“I’m not living on my own.”
“No, you aren’t - but you’re acting like you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Kurt, don’t get into this game with me. You know better.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
“You know, I really do like you, Kurt. You’re a wonderful teenager. You’re very mature for your age, but you’re still only sixteen years old. It’s okay to need help every now and then, okay?”
“No, it’s not. I have to be strong. Everyone’s always telling me that.”
“You can be strong and still depend on others. Even the strongest person in the world needs someone to lean on occasionally, Kurt.”
“I don’t see what this has to do with the price of tea in China.”
“How do you think Sebastian would react, if you were to tell him?”
“He’d pity me and drop me like a hot potato and head off to greener pastures.”
“Ah, now we get to the crux of the problem. You don’t trust Sebastian.”
“Well, why should I?”
“Has he given you any reason not to trust him thus far?”
“Well, no… but he’s only in it for the sex. He’s been very upfront about that.”
“If he’s only there for that, then don’t you think that he’d keep you around for that?”
“It would complicate things too much. He’d treat me differently.”
“And he doesn’t already?”
“Yes… no… I don’t know…!”
“You told me that he’s been acting differently lately. He’s become tenderer. He’s started seeking out your company. He texted you while you were in the States.”
“I still don’t know how he got that number.”
“You’re changing the subject. Now, remind me, how did that make you feel?”
“It made me smile.”
“So it made you happy. You know, Kurt, during an orgasm, hormones are released from your hypothalamus that make you feel happy. So that can account for you feeling happier after the act and how, after the act, you go back to feeling worse, because they’ve run their course. However, they can’t explain you feeling happier when you hear from him. That can only come from genuine happiness.”
“He makes me feel special.”
“Because he cares for you.”
“He doesn’t.”
She rolled her eyes. “Sure. That’s why he sent you random texts and practically jumped you when you got back here. That’s why he was upset about you talking about him sleeping around while you were in the States.”
“Well, he was. I’m sure he was.”
“Do you know for certain?”
“Well, no, but it was part of the agreement…”
“Just because he can doesn’t mean he will.”
“Of course he would. He likes sex too much to abstain that long.”
“You know, Kurt, it does happen that a friendship with benefits turns into something more.”
“That is not the case here.”
“Regardless. I think I’ll take you to hospital to have you tested more thoroughly, so we can find the right medication and dosage for you. I’m not a psychiatrist: I can’t prescribe them. Now, I know that currently you’re under a lot of stress because you’re preparing to essentially skip an entire grade in Math and German in addition to all the normal tests. I think it’s important that we get this dealt with sooner rather than later. The anti-anxiety drugs might actually help you with the studying, you know.” She winked. “So, how about I pick you up tomorrow bright and early. I’ll have one of my colleagues inform your teachers.”
“If we have to.” He paused then pleaded, “Please ask them not to inform the other students of why I’m not there? I don’t want them to know.”
She sighed. “Sure. I’ll make sure to add that to the memo. You do realize that you won’t be able to hide this from him forever; don’t you?”
“I don’t care. I’ll hide it from him as long as I can.”
She sighed. “I’ll get an appointment for us tomorrow. You just have to be here by eight o’clock, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“No need to be snarky. I’m Margarete, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“Okay, then, now skedaddle. I have to talk to your roommates a bit.”
“I never should have taught you that word.”
She whined, “But I like it.”
Kurt snorted and left the room. “I’ll wait by the door, okay?”
“Sure!” she called back.
Kurt stood outside the door, waiting. It wasn’t like he was trying to listen in. They were just talking loudly enough to be heard through the door and he had told them that he’d be waiting there.
Margarete asked, “Nun, wer vo üch isch wer?”(Now who’s who?)
Reto answered, “Ich bi de Reto.” (I’m Reto)
“Und ich de Urs.” (I’m Urs.)
Margarete continued, “Nun loset mol anne. Kurt isch im Moment nöd guet druf.”(Now listen here, Kurt isn’t doing well at the moment.)
Reto answered, “Mir händ das gmerkt.” (We noticed.)
Urs added, “Das gseht e Blindi mit Krückstock.”(A blind man could see that.)
“Guet. Den seit ihr keini Idiote. Er wet nöt gseh, dass er es Problem hät. Ihr münd eu nöd unterkriege lah. So lang er es nöd igschtehe cha, chömmer nöd viel tue. Mir chönd nur bewiese, dass mir ihn nöd im Stich lönd. Es isch wichtig, dass ihr das verstönt. Auch wenn er versuche würd eu abz’stosse dürfet ihr nöd druf igah. Verstönd ihr?” (Good. Then you aren’t idiots. He doesn’t want to see that he’s got problems. Don’t let it get you down. As long as he doesn’t admit it, there isn’t much we can do. We can only prove that we won’t desert him. It’s important that you understand that. Even if he tries to push you away, you can’t comply. Do you understand?)
Urs asked, “Händ mir hüt eigetlich richtig ghandelt?”(Did we act correctly today?)
“Wenn es zu viel für eu isch, dann isch es richtig ihn hier anne zbringe. Wenn ihr das Gfühl händ, dass er üpis mache würd, dann bringet ihn sofort hier anne.”(If it’s too much for you, then it’s right to bring him here. If you have the feeling that he might do something, then bring him here right away.)
“Üpis mache würd? Sicherlich nöd! Er wet nöd, dass sini Familie…”(Do something? Certainly not! He doesn’t want his family to…)
“Das cha siech ändre. Mer hät viel Gründ nöd sich selber oder andri üpis aztue. Aber, in einem Momant, cha mer das vergesse. Ich sag nöd, dass er üpis mache wird. Es cha aber sii.” (That can change. One has many reasons not to harm oneself or others. But you can forget that in a moment. I’m not saying that he will do something. It could happen, though.)
“Ich verstah. Mir werdet ufpasse.” (I understand. We will pay attention.)
“Guet. Wenn ihr mit üpertem drüber spreche wend, mini Tür isch immer offe.” (Good. If you want to talk to someone about it, my door is always open.)
“Merci viel mol. Gueti nacht. Schlaf guet.”(Thank you very much. Good night. Sleep well.)
“Noch nöd für miech. Ich muen noch am Spital arufe. Morn wird en lange Tag werde. Ich wünsch eu aber guet Nacht und en erholsame Schlaf.”(Not yet for me. I still have to call the hospital. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day. However, I wish you guys a good night and a regenerative sleep.)
Reto answered, “Merci gliichfalls.” (Thanks. I wish you the same.)
***
Kurt found himself wishing that he’d worked on understanding Swiss German better. He’d only caught a few words that he’d understood. Perhaps that had been the point of having it in Swiss German, yet letting him have the feeling that he could listen in, if he chose. Dr. Margarete Mächler was no dummy. As a matter of fact, sometimes she was a little more astute than he was comfortable with. Often he had the feeling that she understood his feelings better than he did.
Soon, his roommates joined him and they headed back to their room. If they watched him more carefully, then Kurt pretended not to notice.
***
The next day, Kurt got his medication adjusted, as promised. He was even back in time for his last few classes. Afterwards, he was accosted by both Reto and Urs.
Urs asked, “How did it go?”
Kurt sighed. “It went well. The new meds should work better. I’m on Wellbutrin now.”
Reto asked, “Do you feel any different?”
Kurt replied, “I feel a little calmer now, but I have a slight headache. They warned me not to take it before sleeping, as it can cause insomnia.”
Reto queried, “Insam… insomnia? What is that?”
“It ranges from difficulties sleeping to not being able to sleep at all.”
“Kurt!” Sebastian called from behind him.
Kurt’s eyes lit up. “Sebastian?” He turned around. Luckily Sebastian was still a ways down the hall, so it was unlikely that he’d heard much of their conversation, if any.
Sebastian flicked Kurt’s nose, who automatically scrunched it up in response. “Hey!” he complained.
Sebastian crossed his arms in front of him. “Don’t you dare ‘hey’ me! Where were you in class today? I asked the teacher, but he only gave me some bullshit reason about you having an appointment down in town. Why didn’t you tell me? Where were you?”
Kurt turned away cooly. “I did have an appointment and I didn’t tell you because it was fairly sudden. I don’t see why it would be any of your business, anyways.”
“Because I’m your boyfriend, for goodness sakes!”
“So I’m suddenly not allowed to have any privacy? How would you like that?”
“Privacy is one thing. I let you have your privacy! How many times have I backed off when you didn’t want to tell me something? How many times have I let you keep your secrets? For crying out loud, I hardly know anything about you and we’ve been dating for about three months now!”
“You got exactly what you signed up for.”
“Yes and, when I signed up for it, I didn’t know you!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I didn’t know what you’d do to me. I didn’t know how you’d make me feel. You make me feel, Kurt! Me! The self-declared promiscuous, emotionless jerkass!”
“I don’t care! I didn’t ask you to!”
“Well, sorry for caring, then! You happen to be a likeable person, unlike me.”
“Damn right!”
Sebastian gritted his teeth. “I don’t have to hear this from you! Fine! Don’t tell me! Don’t let me into your life! See if I care!”
“You just said that you do! You can’t take that back.”
“Damn right I can! I’ll see you whenever you want to talk to me!” He stormed off. Reto ran after him.
Urs, on the other hand, turned to Kurt. “That was mean of you. He did not deserve that.”
Kurt retorted, “I don’t care.”
“I think you do care. What will you do, if he leaves you?”
“He will return. Have no doubt about that.”
“What if he does, though?”
Kurt scowled, crossing his arms across his chest. “I didn’t need him before I had him. I don’t need him now, either.”
“Will you apologize to him when he comes back?”
“No. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to our rooms to study. I want to be alone.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“I said that I want to be alone!”
“I know what you said, but it is my room, too, and I want to be there, too.”
“Don’t you have soccer practice?”
“No, I do not. Not today. The volleyball team booked the gym today. They’re training for their big game later this week.”
“Whatever. Just don’t bug me. I have a test tomorrow.”
“Understood.”
Kurt stomped off to their rooms, not even stopping to check if Urs was keeping up.
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