..
Three-twenty...and still restless...fever finally broke, though. For that I am incredibly greatful. I think it has a lot to do with stress.
I amend that. It has everything to do with stress.
Stress with work.
Stress with Rob.
Stress with finances.
I have some very adult decisions to make. I need a back up plan in case those decisions fall apart.
Am I going to Florida with mom, or applying to a University here.
- I could go. It means I'd be three, four hours away from Rob at best. Which is better than thirteen or fourteen hours.
- I can travel like I've wanted to.
- Since it's more of a travel-tourist state, I can take courses for hotel and tourism/travel--which I am not against at all.
But lately...I've questioned whether I want to or not. I know myself. I know my feelings. When it was time for me to graduate and leave Kane. Everything screamed it was wrong. Everything around me, inside of me said no. No. You are not supposed to go anywhere, and if you do it will end badly. It felt so wrong to leave him. And the sad part is that. I feel that fear welling up again and I don't know why...
I am used to trusting my instinct. It's hardly ever wrong. I didn't this time because I felt like I didn't have a choice--but I did, and leaving cost me that. In the end, the distance killed what Kane and I had. He believed I didn't care about him. And he felt I wasn't successful enough. And quite frankly, he just wanted a physical relationship--and he got that with Summer.
I should be jumping at this opportunity to be closer to Rob...and I'm truthfully not that thrilled. And that says a lot about me, and what I strive for. Mediocrity. Jon invited me to go to a Hookah Bar with him one night this week, and I think I'm going to go. Sometimes, I wish Rob would take initiative, instead of shutting himself off. He speaks--bitterly--about how he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend. And...I understand this. I'm not trying to cling to something that's no longer there. I'm trying to help him be a better person, whether it involves us or not. I turned him down. And that hurt him. And that pushed him away. And led himself to believe he had no choice but to walk the destructive path that left him emotionless and shut off. Since he was a child he has felt nothing but love for me. And I see it there, buried under layers of darkness that I am gently peeling away.
I'm a healer. It's what I do. It doesn't mean I want to go around and fix everyone. I do feel love. I know I do--because lately I have been filled with such passion and conviction. To let it go, unbridled--free. I have learned to accept people into my life. Even if I may get hurt. Even if, say, I may never speak to Michael, or meet him or Heather, or anyone close to me ever again. I have learned that it's okay. I stick with Rob because I know these relationships are complicated and aren't easy. We question ourselves, each other, what we feel and think. We worry and stress and get angry. Everyone on the outside believes we're content being so far away. But the truth is that it hurts more than anything. TO be alone--to love someone, and still be alone. To feel vulnerable because of these feelings, and not have them there to support you and you them.
Meeting Bryan for the first time, from all our years of talking online...it was so natural. I felt as if it had been a long time since I had spent time with him. When I cried, and he held me close, and he tried so very hard to coax me smile and not to cry. I remember seeing him off when he returned to Ohio. I cried...I cried hard...and that is coming from someone who hates crying around others. He told me not to watch. Because he knew I'd make a scene if I cried. And I would have--I knew I would have. So I turned and walked away. And I tried so hard not to cry, but it came. All that pent up everything exploded. I cried to for days on end. I'm tearing up right now remembering it. I miss that so much...I miss that passion and tenderness.
And Rob...heh. When Rob is vulnerable...you see what I See. You become overwhelmed by him. He ensnares and captures you and leaves you dizzy. All of that emotion -he- holds back, just rushes. And you see and feel and realize there is -nothing- but love and fear. Fear that the object of his affection, his haunt, his muse will disappear or hurt him. And still such strong love. A desire to be free around. To love and take care of, and devote to. Since he was eleven years old, I have been a bright Star in his sky. Eyes on Me would be a very good way to describe Rob and I.
But it's a rarity to see...and I am getting older...and time is slipping through my fingers. Can I honestly display the same strength and faith that Kaoru had in Kenshin?
Michael has helped me to grow and learn things--at least within myself, and having to grow up and be an adult. I see the world in a different view sometimes. I never in a million years would have pegged myself to become such a fan of Gars, either. When I think of Michael and I, I think of Van Fanel and Hitomi Kanzaki. In the words of Hitomi, "We are kindred spirits, Van." Here's to Nous and Noesis.
I guess I have a lot more growing up to do after all.
Adulthood thy name is pain-in-my-ass.
Speaking of Escaflowne. This is my favorite scene.
The Black Dragon clan has advanced on the Abaharaki and Hitomi has been kidnapped. Van goes to save her, and faces off against Lord Dilandau, In the end, Van reveals his Dragon Blood and his wings to save Hitomi. I like this scene because it begins their transformation, and their faith in one another. Hitomi realizes that Van is alone and she doesn't want him to be. That is when she pledges to be there with him, and pushes aside her own darkness and worry. She no longer becomes the part of the prophecy that heralds their world's destruction.
www.youtube.com/watch
I amend that. It has everything to do with stress.
Stress with work.
Stress with Rob.
Stress with finances.
I have some very adult decisions to make. I need a back up plan in case those decisions fall apart.
Am I going to Florida with mom, or applying to a University here.
- I could go. It means I'd be three, four hours away from Rob at best. Which is better than thirteen or fourteen hours.
- I can travel like I've wanted to.
- Since it's more of a travel-tourist state, I can take courses for hotel and tourism/travel--which I am not against at all.
But lately...I've questioned whether I want to or not. I know myself. I know my feelings. When it was time for me to graduate and leave Kane. Everything screamed it was wrong. Everything around me, inside of me said no. No. You are not supposed to go anywhere, and if you do it will end badly. It felt so wrong to leave him. And the sad part is that. I feel that fear welling up again and I don't know why...
I am used to trusting my instinct. It's hardly ever wrong. I didn't this time because I felt like I didn't have a choice--but I did, and leaving cost me that. In the end, the distance killed what Kane and I had. He believed I didn't care about him. And he felt I wasn't successful enough. And quite frankly, he just wanted a physical relationship--and he got that with Summer.
I should be jumping at this opportunity to be closer to Rob...and I'm truthfully not that thrilled. And that says a lot about me, and what I strive for. Mediocrity. Jon invited me to go to a Hookah Bar with him one night this week, and I think I'm going to go. Sometimes, I wish Rob would take initiative, instead of shutting himself off. He speaks--bitterly--about how he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend. And...I understand this. I'm not trying to cling to something that's no longer there. I'm trying to help him be a better person, whether it involves us or not. I turned him down. And that hurt him. And that pushed him away. And led himself to believe he had no choice but to walk the destructive path that left him emotionless and shut off. Since he was a child he has felt nothing but love for me. And I see it there, buried under layers of darkness that I am gently peeling away.
I'm a healer. It's what I do. It doesn't mean I want to go around and fix everyone. I do feel love. I know I do--because lately I have been filled with such passion and conviction. To let it go, unbridled--free. I have learned to accept people into my life. Even if I may get hurt. Even if, say, I may never speak to Michael, or meet him or Heather, or anyone close to me ever again. I have learned that it's okay. I stick with Rob because I know these relationships are complicated and aren't easy. We question ourselves, each other, what we feel and think. We worry and stress and get angry. Everyone on the outside believes we're content being so far away. But the truth is that it hurts more than anything. TO be alone--to love someone, and still be alone. To feel vulnerable because of these feelings, and not have them there to support you and you them.
Meeting Bryan for the first time, from all our years of talking online...it was so natural. I felt as if it had been a long time since I had spent time with him. When I cried, and he held me close, and he tried so very hard to coax me smile and not to cry. I remember seeing him off when he returned to Ohio. I cried...I cried hard...and that is coming from someone who hates crying around others. He told me not to watch. Because he knew I'd make a scene if I cried. And I would have--I knew I would have. So I turned and walked away. And I tried so hard not to cry, but it came. All that pent up everything exploded. I cried to for days on end. I'm tearing up right now remembering it. I miss that so much...I miss that passion and tenderness.
And Rob...heh. When Rob is vulnerable...you see what I See. You become overwhelmed by him. He ensnares and captures you and leaves you dizzy. All of that emotion -he- holds back, just rushes. And you see and feel and realize there is -nothing- but love and fear. Fear that the object of his affection, his haunt, his muse will disappear or hurt him. And still such strong love. A desire to be free around. To love and take care of, and devote to. Since he was eleven years old, I have been a bright Star in his sky. Eyes on Me would be a very good way to describe Rob and I.
But it's a rarity to see...and I am getting older...and time is slipping through my fingers. Can I honestly display the same strength and faith that Kaoru had in Kenshin?
Michael has helped me to grow and learn things--at least within myself, and having to grow up and be an adult. I see the world in a different view sometimes. I never in a million years would have pegged myself to become such a fan of Gars, either. When I think of Michael and I, I think of Van Fanel and Hitomi Kanzaki. In the words of Hitomi, "We are kindred spirits, Van." Here's to Nous and Noesis.
I guess I have a lot more growing up to do after all.
Adulthood thy name is pain-in-my-ass.
Speaking of Escaflowne. This is my favorite scene.
The Black Dragon clan has advanced on the Abaharaki and Hitomi has been kidnapped. Van goes to save her, and faces off against Lord Dilandau, In the end, Van reveals his Dragon Blood and his wings to save Hitomi. I like this scene because it begins their transformation, and their faith in one another. Hitomi realizes that Van is alone and she doesn't want him to be. That is when she pledges to be there with him, and pushes aside her own darkness and worry. She no longer becomes the part of the prophecy that heralds their world's destruction.
www.youtube.com/watch