Let's turn the record over
On the way back to their own place, Spencer definitely understood why Shane had wanted him to tell Ryan. He wasn’t gonna get away with hiding what had just gone down, not a chance, he’d come to that conclusion before he’d even thought about the fact that he probably had welts on his ass. Great.
Just lucky Ryan was such a laid-back guy who didn’t freak out easily. Or something. Spencer rolled his eyes at himself as he pulled into the driveway. It might have been wise to tell Ryan before the fact. It wasn’t that he regretted what had happened, he was pretty sure he never would. Just. Ryan.
Ryan glanced up from his book for about half a second before abandoning his reading in favour of a rapid succession of barely-there facial expressions, eventually setting for that small frown that other people tended to interpret as between thoughtful and slightly pissed.
Spencer knew it was way more then that. It was fear. It was Ryan bracing himself for the inevitable. Spencer remembered Ryan had looked exactly like this when he’d told Brendon they’d keep him on as a lead-singer, trying hard not to let on how much it had cost him to admit Brendon was better then Ryan himself could ever hope to be.
Spencer dropped his keys on the counter of the open-plan kitchen and kicked his shoes off, taking a deep breath. Ryan’s face was carefully blank.
“What?” he spat out when Spencer didn’t make a move to explain, the icy chill in his voice betraying just how terrified he was.
“Couple of things”, Spencer mumbled. “let’s start with: I asked Shane to fuck me. He did, just now. And I could do with a hug.” He never asked for anything, not like this. Ryan put his book down and stared at the cover for a long moment.
“You think I’m gonna freak out, right?” he mumbled, eyes still trained on the bold capitals and gory picture. Spencer was pretty sure Ryan would have been able to recite every single sentence of every Palahniuk novel ever in his sleep, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing them off the shelf whenever he needed something to comfort him. Ryan was a weird guy.
“I don’t fucking know what to think.” It was the truth, he really didn’t.
“Brendon”, Ryan supplied after another pause, his eyes darting up and his lips curling into a damn shitty impression of a smile. Spencer should have known, really.
“He sent me a text.” Ryan jerked his head towards his ‘kick on the couch table and Spencer reached for it, scrolling through the menus.
Ill chop ur dick off if u have ago at SP 4 asking SH 4 help. Iz 4 u, ass!!!
Spencer huffed out an incredulous laugh at the message and put the phone back down. Ryan wasn’t looking at him.
“We never talk,” he mumbled, now staring at his hands, twisting and intertwining his long, slender fingers.
Spencer sighed. “Ry. It’s. I never thought you wanted to.”
Ryan looked up. “Then fucking make me, damn it. I thought. It’s what you do, Spence.”
He got up and stalked out of the room, slamming the door and leaving Spencer more confused then ever. Okay, his brain supplied from somewhere far away, fix it. Sometimes Spencer wondered if his superego was able to come up with anything except that one sentence. Apparently not. Yeah, fuck. Fix it. As always.
He swallowed and made his way up the stairs to find Ryan sitting on the bed, facing towards the window, his spine rigid and straight. That was what did it, more then anything. Ryan’s fucking spine. Ryan holding himself up, guarding himself, protecting himself, as always. Ryan doing all of what was supposed to be Spencer’s job.
He stormed over and grabbed Ryan’s arm, pulling him up and swivelling him around so he faced the large mirror opposite the window.
“Just fucking look at yourself, Ry”, he grumbled, grabbing a fistful of hair to pull Ryan’s head back. “Make you? Make you? You don’t even. Christ, I fucking try. But maybe tell me how the fuck I can ever do a single fucking thing if you don’t let me? You’re fucking… high security vault with the key thrown away. You don’t let me in. You don’t let anyone in.”
Ryan’s eyes found his in the mirror. “Don’t hate me”, he whispered, so quietly that Spencer guessed at the words more then hearing them. They were still too fucking loud for his liking, though. They shouldn’t have been there at all. Not ever.
“I DON’T! I love you, and you’re a motherfucking idiot for not believing it. For never trusting I’m gonna catch you when you fall. I have, Ry. Every single fucking time, I caught you. And it’s still not good enough, is it? You still expect me to… abandon you or some shit. Laugh at you? Hurt you? Which is it?”
Yeah, so Spencer was on one. He’d held back long enough. Ryan wanted to talk, he’d fucking talk.
Ryan’s gaze was still locked with his, but something in it had softened, his eyes widening at every word that spilled from Spencer’s lips, frustrated tears welling up the longer Spencer ranted.
Spencer wasn’t sure what it would have taken right that moment for Ryan to get a word in, get a chance to defend himself, get a chance to get the walls back in place.
He certainly hadn’t expected for Ryan to collapse, drop to the floor with a heavy breath that almost sounded painful. He hadn’t expected for Ryan to bury his face in Spencer’s crotch, hadn’t expected the look in Ryan’s eyes as he pushed Ryan’s head back softly, as honest and unveiled and urgent as Spencer had never seen him before.
“Please don’t make me look at you, Spence. Please?” Spencer sighed and let go of Ryan’s hair, let Ryan hide himself again.
“I need…” he mumbled, words muffled by the fabric of Spencer’s jeans. “I need you, Spence. Please. Need you. I. Without you, I wouldn’t even know. I. I’m nothing. Please.”
Spencer sighed again. “Get up.” Ryan did, not quite steady on his feet, the blank veneer of protection sliding into place again when Spencer stared at him.
“Don’t fucking hide, Ry. It’s okay. It’s. I want you to. I want you to need me. It’s okay. Don’t hide it.”
He wrapped his arms around Ryan, pulling him close, feeling Ryan relax into the embrace at least a little bit. He could see them reflected in the mirror, holding onto each other. Whatever else was fucked up right now, they’d always have that. They’d always hold onto each other. Co-dependent didn’t begin to cover this fucking train-wreck of a relationship, but here they were, for better or worse. There was no alternative to holding on to Ryan that he was even willing to contemplate.
He took a tentative step forward, manoeuvring Ryan backwards toward the mirror.
“Here’s the deal, Ry. I’m gonna fuck you. I want you to watch every single second of it. Don’t even think about closing your eyes. If there’s anything left to discuss afterwards, we will.” He loosened his grip on Ryan just enough to be able to pull Ryan’s shirt up at the back and off over his head, then he held up his arms for Ryan to do the same to him, moving on to jeans and boxers until they were both naked, reflected in the soft glow of sunlight in the mirror.
It was weird to see it, see them, like this. Spencer was surprised just how fucking good they actually looked together, how much everything about them screamed meant to be. How much they were right. He hooked his head over Ryan’s shoulder and smiled at their mirror reflection and Ryan tentatively smiled back, blushing slightly. Each of them came with their own extensive set of body issues (well, at least in their minds), but together… yeah.
“Pretty hot for a couple of total idiots”, Spencer whispered and Ryan’s smile broadened as he ducked his head. “No hiding,” Spencer reminded him and he immediately found Spencer’s eyes in the mirror again, nodding. Spencer curled his hands around Ryan’s slender wrists and guided them towards the mirror, not letting go until Ryan’s palms were flat against the glass. Simultaneously, he used his foot to gently nudge Ryan’s legs apart until he was satisfied Ryan would be as comfortable as was possible in this position.
“Right back,” he mumbled, pulling away for a few seconds to get condoms and lube from the dresser before stepping behind Ryan again, running a hand down Ryan’s smooth arched back, the small curve of his ass, the slender thighs.
“Look at you, Ry”, he instructed, sounding fifty kinds of turned on, cause. Well, Ryan. He trickled some lube onto his fingers and saw the way Ryan was biting down on his lower lip, dark eyes darting back and forth between Spencer’s face and hands.
“Come on,” he whined when Spencer just smiled back without making a move and Spencer bit back a laugh, but didn’t respond. Some things were too easy. Instead of formulating an answer, he pushed two fingers into Ryan roughly and immediately yanked them out again, eliciting another whine.
“Gonna be patient now?” Ryan nodded, but it turned into a lopsided grin in the mirror.
“Yeah, no way. Thought so,” Spencer commented, pushing in again, moving too quickly, scissoring Ryan for all of five seconds before adding a third finger.
“You want it like this”, he growled when Ryan moaned plaintively, wrapping his free arm round Ryan’s hips and pulling him back, effectively driving his fingers into him deeper. Ryan raised an eyebrow at him in the mirror, just the hint of a challenging smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.
“Fucking… right, that does it.” He wasn’t gonna have Ryan fucking laughing at him, not while Ryan was braced against a mirror with his ass sticking out. If Ryan thought he could take it, well, Spencer was most definitely happy to give it.
And yeah, fuck, did he ever. It was the kind of rough where moans turn into roars turn into screams and you have no idea where exactly they’re coming from, blurring together in a swirl of too hot, too tight and too fast.
In a decidedly unromantic moment, Spencer would probably have their facial expressions catalogued as something like rabid ferrets or whatever, but this moment for sure wasn’t it.
Cause this was. Whatever the fuck it was, it was exactly right. Ryan’s hair clinging to his forehead, dark with sweat, his eyes fixed on Spencer in a mixture of amusement, hunger, defiance and falling apart, his pupils blown, his spine curving and arching in a desperate effort to have Spencer push in harder and deeper, which, for the record, wasn’t humanly possible.
“Spence, I’m. I’m gonna…,” he gritted out and even though Spencer would rather die then admit it, he was pretty fucking glad Ryan was close cause he was having trouble holding back, seriously. He reached around for Ryan’s cock, squeezing roughly and slamming into him a couple more times before they came simultaneously, riding it out together before basically just crumbling on the floor, right there in front of the mirror, panting as they tore their eyes away from their reflection and found each other’s.
The silence was tangible after all that mess of sound and they both went from panting to grinning to giggling at each other’s facial expressions to full blown laughter. Ryan was the first to find words, as per usual, fucking lyricist and that.
“Remind me to send Shane flowers”, he smirked and Spencer elbowed him in the ribs fondly. “Don’t fucking get smart with me or I’ll do this again.”
“Promises, promises,” Ryan quipped back and yeah, they needed half an hour to recover, but Spencer made good on his promise, just like he always had.