Randomocity Part 17: Return of the Self-Rant
Big news: the powerbook is dead. Bad backlight element. Cost to repair (so far): $699.
Long live the linux based workstation. Until I can afford either a new screen (if it is truely worth that) or an MBP (preferred).
Now, On to the rant!
I just spent the last few hours upgrading unvax to the latest versions of the toolchain and portage. Now to emerge -uav world! That's a big step for a system that hasn't been operational since... early this year? Yeah. This is going to take a couple days. I don't really miss this in favor of the times when I could just click Software Update and download a few packages... Yeah, I am slightly spoiled by Apple's marvelous interface, but now I'm back in the driver's seat (console), and I have to deal with it.
And now I suddenly realize, it will be easier to just start the basic system anew. Save my docs and move on, yanno? Ah, well, this delete will take a while. Gives me time to write.
So, while all this mess has been occuring/wasting, I have been in deep contemplative thought over who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming. Not sure just how I feel about it, mind you, but it's the way things are and have been so far.
I have been dating/screwing people far too young to be any good to myself. Time to move up to bigger and better things, ja? I thought so. I've decided that yes, I am indeed bisexual (not just gay). This is actually somewhat of a redaction, as for the past six or so months, i've been proclaiming the other sex to be of no interest to me. Lying to myself, I guess. Happens a lot.
Oh, yeah, have I mentioned that I have a major problem with the truth? I do, and I'm fighting it like no one's business. It is not easy, really. Simple compulsion is to lie, no matter what the scenario, and it really gets me in the end. I don't think enough about what I say before (or during) the saying, and it's coming back to bite me in the ass. So that needs to change.
I've also decided to severely limit the age range of those I consider myself interested in. Does not matter how pretty/sexy/hot/fuckable they are, if they are not within three years of my own age (for the time being), I'm not wasting my time pursuing that angle. If I make any exception for this, it will be for those above my age range.
Additionally, I need to change the criteria for bedmates. Physical attraction, while a great motivator, is not near enough. I have to really be able to get along with a person to deal with them in any capacity, and it's starting to really dig into me that I haven't exactly been paying attention to that small voice in my head that says, "Boy, dinnae matter how pretty they are, if they can't discuss your interests, what's the point?" Well, that also needs to change.
Continuing on, I need to like myself far more than I do. My physical appearance is not as bad as I constantly make it out to be to myself (and, sometimes, others). Sure, I am not the glamorous thin that the world seems to desire these days, but I have an amazing smile and eyes that tend to suck one in. (No pun intended) I need to use the fact that yes, I am charming, to my own internal advantage. No one will be able to like me if I do not like myself. Let alone, any of the more pleasant familiarizations.
Working on that. Yeah.
Also, I need to curb both my tongue and my anger. Both have gotten me in trouble with all sorts numerous times, and I am running out of places to run and hide, and out of chances. (This needs to change, mon ami) This goes right in with thinking before saying (let's toss in actions, as well), and is something I am going to be focusing on for the immediate future.
I have burned many a bridge. I have lost some friends. I don't blame them. I have been, and still am, an asshole. However, I am no longer proud of this. It has landed me cold and alone in a place I do not like to find myself. The things I want, need, crave... I can not have, because of my past actions.
So, I know words mean jack shit. But I want your words, your thoughts, your actions, all to help me become what I should have been all this time.
The kind and loving Zero that everyone seems to see at first. The good one. The one people truely love, before the asshole comes out and ruins it all.
He's not dead yet, that asshole, but I'm hunting him down. And when I find him... I'll make him submit to the Light side of the Force.
What prompted all this? I was thinking of asking a mutual friend earlier why a psuedo-ex of mine is being such an ass to me, then I realized... I have been an ass to him. What goes around, comes around.
Time to get off my high horse, and gain some humility.
The modesty can go fuck itself.
Parts of me are beautiful. The other parts are expendable, and need to be removed for the whole to function properly.
Here goes.
Long live the linux based workstation. Until I can afford either a new screen (if it is truely worth that) or an MBP (preferred).
Now, On to the rant!
I just spent the last few hours upgrading unvax to the latest versions of the toolchain and portage. Now to emerge -uav world! That's a big step for a system that hasn't been operational since... early this year? Yeah. This is going to take a couple days. I don't really miss this in favor of the times when I could just click Software Update and download a few packages... Yeah, I am slightly spoiled by Apple's marvelous interface, but now I'm back in the driver's seat (console), and I have to deal with it.
And now I suddenly realize, it will be easier to just start the basic system anew. Save my docs and move on, yanno? Ah, well, this delete will take a while. Gives me time to write.
So, while all this mess has been occuring/wasting, I have been in deep contemplative thought over who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming. Not sure just how I feel about it, mind you, but it's the way things are and have been so far.
I have been dating/screwing people far too young to be any good to myself. Time to move up to bigger and better things, ja? I thought so. I've decided that yes, I am indeed bisexual (not just gay). This is actually somewhat of a redaction, as for the past six or so months, i've been proclaiming the other sex to be of no interest to me. Lying to myself, I guess. Happens a lot.
Oh, yeah, have I mentioned that I have a major problem with the truth? I do, and I'm fighting it like no one's business. It is not easy, really. Simple compulsion is to lie, no matter what the scenario, and it really gets me in the end. I don't think enough about what I say before (or during) the saying, and it's coming back to bite me in the ass. So that needs to change.
I've also decided to severely limit the age range of those I consider myself interested in. Does not matter how pretty/sexy/hot/fuckable they are, if they are not within three years of my own age (for the time being), I'm not wasting my time pursuing that angle. If I make any exception for this, it will be for those above my age range.
Additionally, I need to change the criteria for bedmates. Physical attraction, while a great motivator, is not near enough. I have to really be able to get along with a person to deal with them in any capacity, and it's starting to really dig into me that I haven't exactly been paying attention to that small voice in my head that says, "Boy, dinnae matter how pretty they are, if they can't discuss your interests, what's the point?" Well, that also needs to change.
Continuing on, I need to like myself far more than I do. My physical appearance is not as bad as I constantly make it out to be to myself (and, sometimes, others). Sure, I am not the glamorous thin that the world seems to desire these days, but I have an amazing smile and eyes that tend to suck one in. (No pun intended) I need to use the fact that yes, I am charming, to my own internal advantage. No one will be able to like me if I do not like myself. Let alone, any of the more pleasant familiarizations.
Working on that. Yeah.
Also, I need to curb both my tongue and my anger. Both have gotten me in trouble with all sorts numerous times, and I am running out of places to run and hide, and out of chances. (This needs to change, mon ami) This goes right in with thinking before saying (let's toss in actions, as well), and is something I am going to be focusing on for the immediate future.
I have burned many a bridge. I have lost some friends. I don't blame them. I have been, and still am, an asshole. However, I am no longer proud of this. It has landed me cold and alone in a place I do not like to find myself. The things I want, need, crave... I can not have, because of my past actions.
So, I know words mean jack shit. But I want your words, your thoughts, your actions, all to help me become what I should have been all this time.
The kind and loving Zero that everyone seems to see at first. The good one. The one people truely love, before the asshole comes out and ruins it all.
He's not dead yet, that asshole, but I'm hunting him down. And when I find him... I'll make him submit to the Light side of the Force.
What prompted all this? I was thinking of asking a mutual friend earlier why a psuedo-ex of mine is being such an ass to me, then I realized... I have been an ass to him. What goes around, comes around.
Time to get off my high horse, and gain some humility.
The modesty can go fuck itself.
Parts of me are beautiful. The other parts are expendable, and need to be removed for the whole to function properly.
Here goes.