Your Onion Horiscope
Your Birthday Today
You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
Libra September 23 - October 23
They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Love is in the air this week...or wait, no-that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.
I got these from: http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-24-2007
I love gag horiscopes! :)
~Raugiel
You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
Libra September 23 - October 23
They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Love is in the air this week...or wait, no-that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.
I got these from: http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-24-2007
I love gag horiscopes! :)
~Raugiel