(no subject)
There's a picture of a guy on my computer looking sad and lost laying down. I feel like that at the moment. I can't shake this feeling that the monsters in my head are coming back. But I want to live and go away next year....it's just a matter of holding out for the next 30 days. Which doesn't seem like a lot but I'm dying to get out. Why did that dream have to happen?! This is really hard trying to put into words what I feel, what I'm thinking. I just feel scared....scared for my safety even if there is no reason to be.
And then there is this part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be loved by anyone else. That I'm nothing but trash, garbage. I deserve to be abused and left on the floor beaten. I know some people are in those relationships or lives where they are abused like this and it's not fair. This isn't rightful thinking. But going back to that picture, lifeless on the floor. That's where I wanna be left. After being beaten down, knocked down, abused I don't know. What's wrong with my mind? It's like I feel like I don't deserve to feel anything nice.
And then there is this part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be loved by anyone else. That I'm nothing but trash, garbage. I deserve to be abused and left on the floor beaten. I know some people are in those relationships or lives where they are abused like this and it's not fair. This isn't rightful thinking. But going back to that picture, lifeless on the floor. That's where I wanna be left. After being beaten down, knocked down, abused I don't know. What's wrong with my mind? It's like I feel like I don't deserve to feel anything nice.