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[rattymama]

Why does it seem that I am most conscious, most comfortable, most aware when I am experiencing emotional lament…? I can’t remember how to articulate my emotions so clearly when I’m happy. Happy is so alien to me. Real, sincere happy. What the hell is that…? I know pleasure. I know fun. But happy..? When I enter the word “happy” into the search

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[rattymama]

Hahaha.

No, I agree with you. Uh, not about being an ass. ;)

I wasn't being completely clear here in this entry about absolutely everything I was referencing, first of all... I had been blocking a LOT of things. For many, many years. Because when I would confront them, I couldn't solve the puzzles. Couldn't fix them... One of the most obvious ways I was escaping internalized issues was by getting high all day every day. For eight years. I smoked marijuana until I was living in a very cozy, warm cloud of muffled everything. I quit smoking on January 2nd of this year and since then I've been having to slowly confront, well, everything there is to confront in this world and inside of myself. There are things I am having to sort and cleanse that would have already been taken care of years ago if I had just quit earlier. But. Ah, well. Better late than never and who's to say that it's come late? As far as I can tell, all is in its right place... and I know that everything happens the way it does because it's supposed to be that way. I don't see any more value in "what if" than I do in having regrets. Or... maybe they're the same thing. Anyway, I think you get what I'm saying.

Happiness in a long-term, constant default state of being IS absolutely foreign to me. But I'm growing familiar of it. ;) Life is a giant playground of bliss for my internal scientist, philosopher, psychologist, poet and artist. For those sides of myself, I have a total field day every day. Every moment is a freakin' marathon of fascination and mind-blowing experiences. Even when "in hell," to be honest. Might be unpleasant to be there but it sure is thoroughly interesting to me. It's nice to be able to explore and study the equally fascinating and stimulating world of "heaven," now.

[rattymama]

I've always wanted to quit smoking, since I was fifteen years old. I knew I wanted to quit. But I was so miserable. All of the choices I made from there made me more and more unhappy. Personally, this is just the kind of person I've always been... Nothing makes me more sad or more happy than what's happening to my heart. Everything else in life can take a back seat to that. So, that being said, I'm referencing my choices in love. The partners I chose and the experiences they offered me. Each one was less ignorant than the last... less harmful to me. Each time I transitioned from one lover to the next, I loved them more than the last. I grew closer to them. So, in a way, that made it more and more difficult for me each time we parted. It was almost never a peaceful parting, either. Always full of scorn and clinging. So hard... But. It makes sense to me that as I got closer and closer, each person I found, to who and what would actually fulfill me and make me happy... that the ones near the end of my search would stick around the longest, would be the hardest to let go of. I know I'm suddenly rambling about relationships and this might seem out of the blue but it's largely related to this entry and definitely over 90% related to my happiness today. Like I said, regret has no place in my life. Certainly not now.

I've rambled myself into a dead end here. Haha... I consider myself so very lucky for so many reasons and in many ways, I have always been SO fortunate and gifted. I have no doubt that this universe loves me as much as it loves anything or anyone else. And the feelings are mutual. :)

The funny thing is... I'm not actually really changing at all. Just imagine... that I'm removing my clothing. And my jewelry, my shoes. That's all. They're very, very heavy items. But only items I've adorned myself with. I am the same creature I was when I was born and will be when I die, underneath it all. Which is absolutely lovely. Wonderful. Just like everyone else.

Pure and simple love.