La, la la, la laaaa...
Alrighty! Now, I shall transfer writings from my present little book of magic which I carry around with me everywhere. I just woke up and am still sleepy headed, big time, so bare with me through any errors or not-making-senses. :)
January 5th, 2009
"I have always known you.
I don't care whether you know or can understand that.
I have always loved you.
I will always love you.
Even if I am not for you.
I am not talking about the David... :)
No, words can never make up for what you do,
My fuzzy little man peach. <3"
Same day.
"Thank you...
for asking me.
'What is magic?'
Y'know what's magic???
YOUR FACE.
Our imagination.
Y'know what's magic?
Art!
Y'know what's magic?
How strongly I bond with you when you're not around.
And the way that you remind me of who I am more than I do.
You know what else is magic...?
The way that imagining something in your mind or heart
Makes new change outside of you.
Manifestation is magic.
'You are that.'
Y;know what else is magic?
The things you are blind to...
The way I feel about you. <3
You are magical.
I am enchanted.
YOU KNOW WHAT IS MAGIC?
EVERYTHING.
LOVE
IS
MAGIC.
Get it?
I want you to know magic...
Even if I don't get to show you...
I long for it..."
"I hate the in between stage!
Silly, silly girl! :D"
"You can't spell 'meow' without 'me' and 'ow'."
...I'm not sure how much to put into this entry but... I suppose I'll just put everything I've written in the book so far. o_0
I don't think anyone reads this journal of mine anymore anyway seeing how it's been so long since I've written in it. :)
Why do I feel silly about what I write sometimes??? I read it and think, "That's pretty gay..." Ah, well. I wrote it. Guess I'll have to deal with that.
January 10th, 2009
"How kind of you to face me while you sleep in the morning light.
Your skin looks new like freshly born baby...
Stunning, your eye-lids with the remnants of the night's eye-liner still faintly there.
A tiny bubble rests sweetly between one corner of your perfect lips...
Chills across my cheeks.
Your eyes rolling around while you dream...
Tease me, peaking out at me
Seeming to make contact with mine
Through the dreamy slivers of your nearly pressed lids.
Your face is burned into my brain
Most unlike any burn I've ever been pained by...
Gorgeous.
You intoxicate me.
Timeless and stunning.
As always."
January 11th, 2009
"The maker.
The completer.
Stalker!
Stop following me!
But who's stalking who...?
I am peeking out at you from behind shiny objects.
While you are peeking out at me from behind shiny objects.
But somehow we're moving forward!"
Okay, I didn't say this one. I simply wrote it down:
"You'r not so much an alien... but a goddess from another world."
-The Swan Scorpion
January 15th, 2009
"Our children would be beautiful...
And fantastic!!!
You make me dangerously Happy"
Same day.
"Now that you mention troubles...
I don't see the potential for any issues
That we could not overcome together
Via: open-mindedness, honesty, communication and understanding...
And probably very little compromise.
Unless you harbor stubborn self-sabotage.
Which I have dealt with in the past...
And there isn't much I can do for that.
The only fear I have is your own fear.
Which I am not afraid of...
Hmmmmm...?"
Same day.
"A relationship should not become a distraction or a procrastination from growth -
It's quite the contrary!
A positive, healthy relationship would encourage, support and create a strong foundation
And ideal environment for personal growth as individuals
And thus, as a couple.
As we support, encourage and lovingly challenge each other in the right ways,
We can grow together and move toward our goals
Again, as individuals and ultimately, that is an essential attribute to a healthy relationship and it's future.
I intend to do everything in my power to allow the realization of our full potential
For now and for our future together
Because it genuinely appears bright
And I am very optimistic and confident about it!!!"
January 25th, 2009
"I am learning so much from and about you!
Thank you so much for all that you continue to give me.
No one has ever enriched my life so much!
I am delighted to learn to appreciate your unique identity
And your unique needs.
I find you to be literally adorable, literally precious and endlessly respectable and strong.
I want to give you the world.
You make me want to change and grow and work hard and love life, everyone and everything!
You make me feel confident, capable, ambitious and excited in general!"
The rest is just band names. Haha... and lists, doodles, verbally-creatively-useless things of the sort.
In retrospect to the things I transferred from old journals to here last night... It's clear to me that somewhere during the gap where I had not been writing journal entries anywhere at all... I changed. Dramatically. Oh... has it been eight years??? MY GOD, IT HAS! I hadn't even noticed! I wasn't even keeping track. And I'm not even sure if it legitimately means anything... but I remember that I knew a boy in high-school, another "Matt" person. He was VERY experienced with drugs of all sorts, especially acid. He told me that when you do acid, it changes your brain chemistry and it changes the way you look at the world, etc., forever. Which I totally understood after I tried the stuff. But the more important thing that he told me, I thought, was that after about eight years your brain chemistry will finally go back to normal. Now, looking back, I'm not sure if he was right or if that made any sense. BUT. What I do know... is that I do finally feel normal again in my brain. If that makes any sense. How is it that things in my life can happen ridiculously like perfect clock-work??? How can it be that it would be exactly eight years, to the month??? Because, when I think about when I started feeling the way I do now, which I can only describe as normal and sane, it was exactly eight years to the month that I started feeling this way. Which would be around the end of last September. Sure, I didn't feel this sane and normal at exactly that point... but that is when it began to shift. That just seems preposterous to me. But sheesh... what doesn't nowadays? In the best ways, anyway. Well, good. I shouldn't question goodness and sanity too much, should I? There are factors I could identify and try to rationalize all of this with. Such as actually, really breaking up with Dave and finally truly breaking that deadly solar-plexus tie. I could credit it to that and Kevin's element and to my long-awaited "sobriety," the combination, etc. But the timing makes most sense with it being eight years exactly since I did that absurd excess of specifically hallucinogenic mind-altering substances. When I break all of that down into laymen's terms for myself, really, none of it, singularly or as a combination, completely adds up to my experiencing this state of mind or being. More than anything, it could be attributed to my long-awaited exit to "exiting" or my "sobriety."
Really, though, what it comes down to in life always... Is that nothing will happen, anyhow, until you are ready for it to happen. And when it does happen, it happens ultimately because you are ready for it to happen and that is the most important factor in all that does happen. If you catch my drift.
That reminds me, I need a fucking bank account. ARG! Which also reminds me - Arginine, turns out, and I know I should have known this ages ago, is one of the sixteen essential amino acids! Such as the ones found in Bragg's liquid amino acids, Mmmmm soy-sauce-super-food. Yum. I can only hope that it's fermented... *shrug*
There is so much shit to keep on top of in this world, in my mind, in order to sense that I am "doing the right thing." I try not to obsess or stress over it or ultimately, not to let it become redundant and hypocritical by allowing it to interfere with the simple pleasantness and conscious experiencing of life in the moment. Like everything else, it's a delicate balance... and while it's okay to not be perfect all the time, it's also important not to ignore red flags and blatant messages from your body or your heart or your mind or spirit. (As if there is really a huge difference between them all, heh...)
Delicate balancing act. It is very pretty, anyway. I am feeling slightly smitten with myself when I can observe myself being less clumsy... which has always been difficult for me. A bull in a china shop, I can be at times. Refining my nature is only making myself appear more graceful and charming to myself. We are all self-critical to a delusional degree often times... but there is a part of me that, with eyes wide open, sees the "perfection" very deep within myself and, thus, in us all. - Although, the "perfection" in others appears to lay closer to the surface of the individual, in my eyes. But that is also something to be said of us all. That is, it being easier to appreciate others than it is to appreciate ourselves. This is a generalization and for all generalizations I realize that there are exceptions and extremes in all directions.
Again, balance is key. I can't be blinded by others' "perfections" or by their "faults." And maybe, no definitely, I know that both of those things are illusions in themselves because in reality, there is no such thing as "perfection" and you cannot have "faults" without an idea of "perfection."
Oooo, that's pretty, too! Damn it. I am... not stroking my own ego... but definitely stroking my fluffy, inner bunny-rabbit right now and I really need to take a shower and get ready for work! Also, stomach says "I'M HUNGRY, BITCH! FEED ME!"
Okay, okay, okaaayyyy.... "Here's some sparkly, magic cyan-colored hay and a glowing, candy-painted carrot, Mr. Fluffy Inner Bunny-Rabbit. I'll be back later for more shnugglywuggles! *HUG*"
January 5th, 2009
"I have always known you.
I don't care whether you know or can understand that.
I have always loved you.
I will always love you.
Even if I am not for you.
I am not talking about the David... :)
No, words can never make up for what you do,
My fuzzy little man peach. <3"
Same day.
"Thank you...
for asking me.
'What is magic?'
Y'know what's magic???
YOUR FACE.
Our imagination.
Y'know what's magic?
Art!
Y'know what's magic?
How strongly I bond with you when you're not around.
And the way that you remind me of who I am more than I do.
You know what else is magic...?
The way that imagining something in your mind or heart
Makes new change outside of you.
Manifestation is magic.
'You are that.'
Y;know what else is magic?
The things you are blind to...
The way I feel about you. <3
You are magical.
I am enchanted.
YOU KNOW WHAT IS MAGIC?
EVERYTHING.
LOVE
IS
MAGIC.
Get it?
I want you to know magic...
Even if I don't get to show you...
I long for it..."
"I hate the in between stage!
Silly, silly girl! :D"
"You can't spell 'meow' without 'me' and 'ow'."
...I'm not sure how much to put into this entry but... I suppose I'll just put everything I've written in the book so far. o_0
I don't think anyone reads this journal of mine anymore anyway seeing how it's been so long since I've written in it. :)
Why do I feel silly about what I write sometimes??? I read it and think, "That's pretty gay..." Ah, well. I wrote it. Guess I'll have to deal with that.
January 10th, 2009
"How kind of you to face me while you sleep in the morning light.
Your skin looks new like freshly born baby...
Stunning, your eye-lids with the remnants of the night's eye-liner still faintly there.
A tiny bubble rests sweetly between one corner of your perfect lips...
Chills across my cheeks.
Your eyes rolling around while you dream...
Tease me, peaking out at me
Seeming to make contact with mine
Through the dreamy slivers of your nearly pressed lids.
Your face is burned into my brain
Most unlike any burn I've ever been pained by...
Gorgeous.
You intoxicate me.
Timeless and stunning.
As always."
January 11th, 2009
"The maker.
The completer.
Stalker!
Stop following me!
But who's stalking who...?
I am peeking out at you from behind shiny objects.
While you are peeking out at me from behind shiny objects.
But somehow we're moving forward!"
Okay, I didn't say this one. I simply wrote it down:
"You'r not so much an alien... but a goddess from another world."
-The Swan Scorpion
January 15th, 2009
"Our children would be beautiful...
And fantastic!!!
You make me dangerously Happy"
Same day.
"Now that you mention troubles...
I don't see the potential for any issues
That we could not overcome together
Via: open-mindedness, honesty, communication and understanding...
And probably very little compromise.
Unless you harbor stubborn self-sabotage.
Which I have dealt with in the past...
And there isn't much I can do for that.
The only fear I have is your own fear.
Which I am not afraid of...
Hmmmmm...?"
Same day.
"A relationship should not become a distraction or a procrastination from growth -
It's quite the contrary!
A positive, healthy relationship would encourage, support and create a strong foundation
And ideal environment for personal growth as individuals
And thus, as a couple.
As we support, encourage and lovingly challenge each other in the right ways,
We can grow together and move toward our goals
Again, as individuals and ultimately, that is an essential attribute to a healthy relationship and it's future.
I intend to do everything in my power to allow the realization of our full potential
For now and for our future together
Because it genuinely appears bright
And I am very optimistic and confident about it!!!"
January 25th, 2009
"I am learning so much from and about you!
Thank you so much for all that you continue to give me.
No one has ever enriched my life so much!
I am delighted to learn to appreciate your unique identity
And your unique needs.
I find you to be literally adorable, literally precious and endlessly respectable and strong.
I want to give you the world.
You make me want to change and grow and work hard and love life, everyone and everything!
You make me feel confident, capable, ambitious and excited in general!"
The rest is just band names. Haha... and lists, doodles, verbally-creatively-useless things of the sort.
In retrospect to the things I transferred from old journals to here last night... It's clear to me that somewhere during the gap where I had not been writing journal entries anywhere at all... I changed. Dramatically. Oh... has it been eight years??? MY GOD, IT HAS! I hadn't even noticed! I wasn't even keeping track. And I'm not even sure if it legitimately means anything... but I remember that I knew a boy in high-school, another "Matt" person. He was VERY experienced with drugs of all sorts, especially acid. He told me that when you do acid, it changes your brain chemistry and it changes the way you look at the world, etc., forever. Which I totally understood after I tried the stuff. But the more important thing that he told me, I thought, was that after about eight years your brain chemistry will finally go back to normal. Now, looking back, I'm not sure if he was right or if that made any sense. BUT. What I do know... is that I do finally feel normal again in my brain. If that makes any sense. How is it that things in my life can happen ridiculously like perfect clock-work??? How can it be that it would be exactly eight years, to the month??? Because, when I think about when I started feeling the way I do now, which I can only describe as normal and sane, it was exactly eight years to the month that I started feeling this way. Which would be around the end of last September. Sure, I didn't feel this sane and normal at exactly that point... but that is when it began to shift. That just seems preposterous to me. But sheesh... what doesn't nowadays? In the best ways, anyway. Well, good. I shouldn't question goodness and sanity too much, should I? There are factors I could identify and try to rationalize all of this with. Such as actually, really breaking up with Dave and finally truly breaking that deadly solar-plexus tie. I could credit it to that and Kevin's element and to my long-awaited "sobriety," the combination, etc. But the timing makes most sense with it being eight years exactly since I did that absurd excess of specifically hallucinogenic mind-altering substances. When I break all of that down into laymen's terms for myself, really, none of it, singularly or as a combination, completely adds up to my experiencing this state of mind or being. More than anything, it could be attributed to my long-awaited exit to "exiting" or my "sobriety."
Really, though, what it comes down to in life always... Is that nothing will happen, anyhow, until you are ready for it to happen. And when it does happen, it happens ultimately because you are ready for it to happen and that is the most important factor in all that does happen. If you catch my drift.
That reminds me, I need a fucking bank account. ARG! Which also reminds me - Arginine, turns out, and I know I should have known this ages ago, is one of the sixteen essential amino acids! Such as the ones found in Bragg's liquid amino acids, Mmmmm soy-sauce-super-food. Yum. I can only hope that it's fermented... *shrug*
There is so much shit to keep on top of in this world, in my mind, in order to sense that I am "doing the right thing." I try not to obsess or stress over it or ultimately, not to let it become redundant and hypocritical by allowing it to interfere with the simple pleasantness and conscious experiencing of life in the moment. Like everything else, it's a delicate balance... and while it's okay to not be perfect all the time, it's also important not to ignore red flags and blatant messages from your body or your heart or your mind or spirit. (As if there is really a huge difference between them all, heh...)
Delicate balancing act. It is very pretty, anyway. I am feeling slightly smitten with myself when I can observe myself being less clumsy... which has always been difficult for me. A bull in a china shop, I can be at times. Refining my nature is only making myself appear more graceful and charming to myself. We are all self-critical to a delusional degree often times... but there is a part of me that, with eyes wide open, sees the "perfection" very deep within myself and, thus, in us all. - Although, the "perfection" in others appears to lay closer to the surface of the individual, in my eyes. But that is also something to be said of us all. That is, it being easier to appreciate others than it is to appreciate ourselves. This is a generalization and for all generalizations I realize that there are exceptions and extremes in all directions.
Again, balance is key. I can't be blinded by others' "perfections" or by their "faults." And maybe, no definitely, I know that both of those things are illusions in themselves because in reality, there is no such thing as "perfection" and you cannot have "faults" without an idea of "perfection."
Oooo, that's pretty, too! Damn it. I am... not stroking my own ego... but definitely stroking my fluffy, inner bunny-rabbit right now and I really need to take a shower and get ready for work! Also, stomach says "I'M HUNGRY, BITCH! FEED ME!"
Okay, okay, okaaayyyy.... "Here's some sparkly, magic cyan-colored hay and a glowing, candy-painted carrot, Mr. Fluffy Inner Bunny-Rabbit. I'll be back later for more shnugglywuggles! *HUG*"