"Greetings"...
I know that anyone reading this entry most likely does not need an introduction to me and/or my life, etc. but I wrote this entry moments ago as a "blog" of mine on a stupid website that I really don't care for very much and yet I do care for what I wrote so I have cut and pasted it here as my present entry for today... Meow.
My name is Channing... and I live in the god-awful lie of a paradise, Santa Barbara California... I was born and raised here and it was a shame, really. But whatever... hard lessons make for thorough understandings, I've found. So much to say... I love rats, they are bliss to me - go figure. I love all animals but nothing compares to ratties, for me. I am a freak for flowers and yet I happen to have a boyfriend who never seems to feel like giving me any... don't get me wrong, he's not a selfish fucker. He's just got "issues" like the rest of us... that just happen to be extremely distracting from our relationship. He does not have a good history of relationships with other humans so I can't blame him. People do suck, it's true, and it might take another two and a half years of being with him to finally gain some trust... who knows maybe we're screwed but there's only one way to find out and I'm not yet willing to throw in the towel. I love him, of course. There are many qualities about him that I can't just walk away from like all the others before him. He's special :P Like me! (we're all special and I'm not just saying that... but we're special in particular ways that make us like each other a lot, for the most part). I have been realizing lately that our problems are not compatable but we, without them, are perfect together... and yet such troubled people have difficulty deciphering within our interactions. Although I must admit that deep down, it's all crystal clear. Just my baggage floating on the surface of my ocean of emotion like pollution coats with thick slime... over all of my love for him. I believe that he does not have faith in me anymore and I also believe that it is because he does not have faith in himself. I do not know however whether or not he really understands what it means to have faith in one's self or another. Regardless, I am giving what little I have left of my life to my faith in our opportunity for happiness together.
Things have not been well lately... Granted, I did just adopt three new baby rats that have turned out to be precious little angels of which my older rats seem to just adore which is exceptionally happy to me... but aside from that, the kitten that I bought David for his birthday, Camilla, is a nightmare house wrecker of diarrhea hell... and I keep feeling like I'm going to die from the shit everywhere!!! It's truly disgusting. Our carpet is fucked. The other cat, Artemis, has grown into a very well behaved kitty for the most part and I really don't have much beef with him anymore. More bad news, I owe my "fashion design endorser" $15,000 and I am set to give her back $5,000 each year... the first year passed will be marked by sometime this early February and I am very much screwed as I do NOT have any money left from the loan because I have issues with money... and my mother is extremely upset with me about it as the wonderful woman who loaned me this money has been a very close friend of hers for years and years. Regardless, she is a wonderful woman and I am very disappointed in myself for letting this happen and will be a million times more so if I do not find a way to give her back her money on time. What else? Last friday my mother was in the hospital for another minor bowel obstruction(patient death rate of which is %100, not cool). She's alright now but sadly immediately after she exited the hospital, she recieved news that her life, her non-profit organization, LifeChronicles, did not recieve a $30,000 grant that we not only greatly deserved but intensely needed and now we are at a crisis for money. I work for LifeChronicles as the receptionist and general office assistant. On top of all of this, my mother has always had crazy issues with stress and overworking herself so this all is quite far from what she needs... sometimes I feel like she needs to retire as soon as possible because she can't control her obsession with working herself to death. This morning she said that she is losing sleep over not only lifechronicles' financial situation but also over mine for her good, old friend... Honestly, I have no ability to feel more guilty about it because for months now I have already been at my highest extent of stress and guilt for this stupid money that means nothing to me. Money has no value to me... but it is the value of this woman that I do not want accidentally shaken by my irresponsibility. My parents have already made it clear that they will not "bail me out" and I was very insistant that I never expected it from them. My psyche has created a poor self-preservation mechanism of shutting down all bad feeling when there is an element in my life of which to stress over or feel guilty for. My justification for this mechanism is that all of my intent is always loving and caring... and that I will do everything in my power to make it right and that that is all that should matter. *sigh* I find it to be very unfair that I work full time and yet cannot even afford to live by myself in this RETARDED town of greed, money, ignorance and obsession of material and the self. None of those things are of any significance to me... except for ignorance. Because it can easily offend me. Because I have accidentally made a personal connection with all of humanity's inner children and now I am vulnerable to my compassion for their suffering and my desire for their happiness and good health... including mental... which is horrible for me. But what can I do? As I've always said... once the eyes are open, they cannot be closed... but let me add to that by saying that oh god I hope I can only avert them!!! Yet I do not want to abandon anything that feels... nor can I pretend that I don't feel their feelings. It is a curse and a blessing, a double edged sword. And if you want my honest feelings of it all to be expressed... then I must admit that if it were not so, I do not think I would feel that life is worth living. Without this love, that is... for all things. Or perhaps you cannot truly be alive until you realise it within yourself as it is within all things, naturally, of course. That's simple common sense to me. So... any other bad news to report...? Hmmm... Ahhhh yes, I owe my father $300 for the trip that we went on last weekend, up to Sacramento to adopt these precious baby rats. A $700 trip... o_0 tell me those aren't some expensive babies, huh? It feels good to comfortably say that they are well worth it because god forbid that money not be a noose around my neck like the rest of you poor lost souls. I'm sorry to anyone who feels that I am condescending in my communication... I hope that you can understand that it is simply my weakly restrained rage coming out in condensed tone and structure... perhaps you can call it partially impatience... or a final loss of nerve... or even a self-destructive self-loathing tainting my thoughts and also my bitter finger - pointing at other humans - the responsibility for its being inside of me in the first place. Perhaps that is why it is difficult for me not to feel that I am constantly speaking to an audience of spiritual impotence. If it bothers you, be nice to me. Be mean to me... and I'll only grow more self-confident and lose my faith in your ability to understand anything... Meow.
My name is Channing... and I live in the god-awful lie of a paradise, Santa Barbara California... I was born and raised here and it was a shame, really. But whatever... hard lessons make for thorough understandings, I've found. So much to say... I love rats, they are bliss to me - go figure. I love all animals but nothing compares to ratties, for me. I am a freak for flowers and yet I happen to have a boyfriend who never seems to feel like giving me any... don't get me wrong, he's not a selfish fucker. He's just got "issues" like the rest of us... that just happen to be extremely distracting from our relationship. He does not have a good history of relationships with other humans so I can't blame him. People do suck, it's true, and it might take another two and a half years of being with him to finally gain some trust... who knows maybe we're screwed but there's only one way to find out and I'm not yet willing to throw in the towel. I love him, of course. There are many qualities about him that I can't just walk away from like all the others before him. He's special :P Like me! (we're all special and I'm not just saying that... but we're special in particular ways that make us like each other a lot, for the most part). I have been realizing lately that our problems are not compatable but we, without them, are perfect together... and yet such troubled people have difficulty deciphering within our interactions. Although I must admit that deep down, it's all crystal clear. Just my baggage floating on the surface of my ocean of emotion like pollution coats with thick slime... over all of my love for him. I believe that he does not have faith in me anymore and I also believe that it is because he does not have faith in himself. I do not know however whether or not he really understands what it means to have faith in one's self or another. Regardless, I am giving what little I have left of my life to my faith in our opportunity for happiness together.
Things have not been well lately... Granted, I did just adopt three new baby rats that have turned out to be precious little angels of which my older rats seem to just adore which is exceptionally happy to me... but aside from that, the kitten that I bought David for his birthday, Camilla, is a nightmare house wrecker of diarrhea hell... and I keep feeling like I'm going to die from the shit everywhere!!! It's truly disgusting. Our carpet is fucked. The other cat, Artemis, has grown into a very well behaved kitty for the most part and I really don't have much beef with him anymore. More bad news, I owe my "fashion design endorser" $15,000 and I am set to give her back $5,000 each year... the first year passed will be marked by sometime this early February and I am very much screwed as I do NOT have any money left from the loan because I have issues with money... and my mother is extremely upset with me about it as the wonderful woman who loaned me this money has been a very close friend of hers for years and years. Regardless, she is a wonderful woman and I am very disappointed in myself for letting this happen and will be a million times more so if I do not find a way to give her back her money on time. What else? Last friday my mother was in the hospital for another minor bowel obstruction(patient death rate of which is %100, not cool). She's alright now but sadly immediately after she exited the hospital, she recieved news that her life, her non-profit organization, LifeChronicles, did not recieve a $30,000 grant that we not only greatly deserved but intensely needed and now we are at a crisis for money. I work for LifeChronicles as the receptionist and general office assistant. On top of all of this, my mother has always had crazy issues with stress and overworking herself so this all is quite far from what she needs... sometimes I feel like she needs to retire as soon as possible because she can't control her obsession with working herself to death. This morning she said that she is losing sleep over not only lifechronicles' financial situation but also over mine for her good, old friend... Honestly, I have no ability to feel more guilty about it because for months now I have already been at my highest extent of stress and guilt for this stupid money that means nothing to me. Money has no value to me... but it is the value of this woman that I do not want accidentally shaken by my irresponsibility. My parents have already made it clear that they will not "bail me out" and I was very insistant that I never expected it from them. My psyche has created a poor self-preservation mechanism of shutting down all bad feeling when there is an element in my life of which to stress over or feel guilty for. My justification for this mechanism is that all of my intent is always loving and caring... and that I will do everything in my power to make it right and that that is all that should matter. *sigh* I find it to be very unfair that I work full time and yet cannot even afford to live by myself in this RETARDED town of greed, money, ignorance and obsession of material and the self. None of those things are of any significance to me... except for ignorance. Because it can easily offend me. Because I have accidentally made a personal connection with all of humanity's inner children and now I am vulnerable to my compassion for their suffering and my desire for their happiness and good health... including mental... which is horrible for me. But what can I do? As I've always said... once the eyes are open, they cannot be closed... but let me add to that by saying that oh god I hope I can only avert them!!! Yet I do not want to abandon anything that feels... nor can I pretend that I don't feel their feelings. It is a curse and a blessing, a double edged sword. And if you want my honest feelings of it all to be expressed... then I must admit that if it were not so, I do not think I would feel that life is worth living. Without this love, that is... for all things. Or perhaps you cannot truly be alive until you realise it within yourself as it is within all things, naturally, of course. That's simple common sense to me. So... any other bad news to report...? Hmmm... Ahhhh yes, I owe my father $300 for the trip that we went on last weekend, up to Sacramento to adopt these precious baby rats. A $700 trip... o_0 tell me those aren't some expensive babies, huh? It feels good to comfortably say that they are well worth it because god forbid that money not be a noose around my neck like the rest of you poor lost souls. I'm sorry to anyone who feels that I am condescending in my communication... I hope that you can understand that it is simply my weakly restrained rage coming out in condensed tone and structure... perhaps you can call it partially impatience... or a final loss of nerve... or even a self-destructive self-loathing tainting my thoughts and also my bitter finger - pointing at other humans - the responsibility for its being inside of me in the first place. Perhaps that is why it is difficult for me not to feel that I am constantly speaking to an audience of spiritual impotence. If it bothers you, be nice to me. Be mean to me... and I'll only grow more self-confident and lose my faith in your ability to understand anything... Meow.